Kill Tony #308
Lineup
Set: Ryan discussed moving to Texas, earning three DUIs in three months on probation, and made an inappropriate joke to his probation officer about her pregnancy.
Interview: Discussed his DUI, BAC of .29, keto diet, and current probation status ending in May. Works as a manager at a fancy H-E-B restaurant café.
- Pays $10 per hour of community service, wishes he'd saved invoices from helping homeless people.
- Told pregnant probation officer 'we all make mistakes' looking at her belly.
- First comedian of the night, visibly nervous but handled the spotlight well.
Jack Yarborough
Set: Josh discussed his two-year-old daughter Zoe correcting him on what to call her, comparing shaking a baby's head to an Etch-A-Sketch, and mentioned researching serial killers.
Interview: Has 6-year-old boy and 2-year-old girl. 8 years doing stand-up. Works in animation doing commercials. Wife works two jobs as occupational therapist. Takes testosterone shots causing anxiety, runs aggressively around block.
- 2-year-old daughter insists on being called 'baby mom' instead of her actual name.
- Shook baby's head like Etch-A-Sketch to clear her thoughts; recommends no more than twice monthly.
- Discussed testosterone shots causing anxiety attacks leading to aggressive running.
- Revealed wife works two jobs while he stays home doing animation and comedy.
Set: Jeff told about sending emoji responses to an ex's nude (winky, devil, shrimp, spider web), visiting 'memory lane,' and made a joke comparing buying cookies at Subway to gaining access.
Interview: First-time stand-up. Works at Vision Works eyeglass store for 5 months. Previously worked at Amazon counting. Wears new sideburns for 2 weeks. Listens to Kill Tony during 10-hour shifts. Attends live shows and plays laser tag.
- Sent ex emoji responses (winky, devil, shrimp, spider web) after receiving nude.
- At Subway, cookies don't come free with six inches of meat; must pay separately.
- First-time performer struggled with microphone technique and clarity throughout set.
- Tony identified he looks like Meg Griffin from Family Guy based on appearance.
Set: Forrest complained about San Antonio lacking NFL/NHL teams, couldn't sell out Kill Tony, complained about the theater, then pivoted to a one-liner about calling girlfriend to check if guys left the house.
Interview: First-time stand-up, 22 years old. Student majoring in mathematics. Assistant manager at local Italian restaurant. Recently broke up with girlfriend of 6 years. From San Antonio, last name Althaus (pronounced all-tows).
- San Antonio can't get sports teams or sell out Kill Tony; maybe it's the theater.
- Calls girlfriend to ensure all guys left house before coming home.
- First-ever Kill Tony heel character, insulted the city and venue, turning audience against him.
- Tony announced intention to beat him up, calling it Kill Tony's first beating.
- Forrest revealed he doesn't work/contribute to society; assistant manages Italian restaurant.
Set: Jennifer discussed Tinder men with poor conversation skills, how she's not sleeping with every guy who messages her, and made a metaphor about buying cookies first, comparing it to Subway.
Interview: 5-6 months doing stand-up. Works at call center. Born in Washington on military base, moved to San Antonio at age 1. Uses Snapchat filters. Recently broke up. Makes keychains and coasters.
- Tinder guys can't converse; she only sleeps with hot ones, not all thirsty ones.
- Like Subway, must buy her a cookie first before getting six inches.
- Joel Berg made dark joke comparing her to groundskeeper at Wonka factory.
- Admitted to sharting after Shake Shack for lunch earlier that day.
- Joel Berg made callback joke about her killing Selena (Quintanilla reference).
Set: Robert discussed attending Catholic school and recently learning his priest was arrested for sexual abuse of children, making dark jokes about being given wine during confirmation.
Interview: First-time performer, 31 years old. Works in HR/hiring, previously managed 40-person venue events. Recently broke up with girlfriend of 6 years. Mentioned strip club DJ work.
- Priest who gave him wine during confirmation arrested for abuse; called 'Father Joe.'
- Priest being arrested was 'a tease' given the wine and confirmation.
- First-time performer with clear microphone technique and strong set delivery.
- Revealed recent 6-year relationship breakup during interview.
- Admitted to work as strip club DJ during panel questioning.
Mike C
Set: Mike discussed being a new parent for 5 years (actually stepfather of 12-year-old), finding son watching anime porn, and unclear how to handle it.
Interview: Married, has 5 and 2-year-old biological kids plus 12-year-old stepson. Mexican (last name Cavazos). Electrician. Off keto for 4 months, gained back 45 of 80 pounds lost. Doesn't want kids biologically. Wife says he's more committed to vape pen than parenting.
- Found 12-year-old stepson watching anime porn; expected 'big booty' porn instead.
- Wife not happy about weight loss; preferred when he had sleep apnea.
- Appeared heavily intoxicated/high throughout interview, struggled with microphone.
- Revealed he's been off keto 4-5 months and gained back 45 of 80 pounds.
- Tony noted Mike appears to care more about vape pen than stepson's wellbeing.
Set: Patrick discussed losing 80 pounds in 6 months via keto and meth, wife not happy about weight loss, referenced her wanting his sleep apnea to return, and joked about new life insurance policy.
Interview: 35/36 years old. Works in insurance verification for DME provider (insulin pumps). Married 6 years, no kids (wife is Latina, they use pullout method). Lost 80 pounds on keto, gained 45 back in 4 months.
- Lost 80 pounds on keto diet and meth; meth has zero carbs, very keto-friendly.
- Wife wants sleep apnea back; turned on by guys risking lives (cops, firefighters, sleep apneics).
- Got life insurance so wife is ready to 'wrap it up'; suspicious motivations.
- Participated in Mexican drum-off challenge against Joel Berg; lost decisively.
- Wife attended show; refused to answer what's weird about her genitalia on air.