Joe Marrese
Joe Marrese has performed on Kill Tony 5 times. Every appearance below, with set summaries and timestamps.
Appearances
Set about how Tom Hanks' characters in Big and Castaway could have been jerking off the whole time instead of doing their actual plot.
- In Big, young kid wakes up as adult man, should just jerk off instead.
- In Castaway, Tom Hanks stuck on island with nothing to do but masturbate.
Observational bit about gas stations, squeegees, and the middle-grade gas option. Clean, Seinfeld-style comedy about mundane details nobody notices.
- Nobody picks up squeegees anymore at gas stations
- Who buys middle-grade gas, the strange middle option
- Car owners manual never recommends middle grade
Joe describes watching his neighbor shower through an open window and getting obsessed with critiquing the neighbor's shampoo technique, escalating to angry observations.
- Can't waste shampoo like that, need proper quarter-size amount
- Neighbor scratches head like he's scrubbing lottery tickets
Joe discussed the iPhone snooze button being stuck at 9 minutes instead of 10, speculating about Steve Jobs yelling at you to wake up, and the frustration of wanting exactly 10 minutes of sleep.
- iPhone snooze stuck at 9 minutes, we need 10 minutes
- iPhone 14 won't have snooze, Steve Jobs yells at you
Joe discusses settling down with women at age 14 to secure 20-30 years of firm breasts. He passionately advocates for marrying girls young with energetic delivery and yelling, comparing relationship investment to securing premium assets.
- Best age to settle down is 14, get cool girlfriend with firm breasts from 14-40+.
- References watching Olympics gold medal winners, bank accounts, and watching porn as reality checks on life progress.