Kill Tony #297 — Matt Braunger
Guests: Matt Braunger
Lineup
Set: Observations about hanging out with cheesy people, hating love songs on radio, comparing Anne Frank to a one-hit wonder.
Interview: First time doing stand-up after a one-year break. Lives in Vaughan. Works as a painter. Lost $5k-$10k gambling on poker. Struggles to identify his own talents.
- Result of five people you hang out with would make him cheesy bread and water bottle bong.
- Every Drake and Justin Bieber song is about love, but when JP sings about love he gets kicked out of Burrito Boys.
- Anne Frank is a one-hit wonder who wrote non-fiction but we'll never know if she could do fiction.
- Tony reveals JP's father allegedly put feces in Tony's father's lunchbox, escalating the 'beef' joke.
- JP receives the 'don't kill yourself' fist bump—noted as second ever in Kill Tony history.
Set: First-time comedian contrasts playing guitar in church with DJing at strip clubs. Discusses gun violence and sister porn as two things bothering him.
Interview: 31 years old, welder-fitter by trade. Cousin introduced him to Kill Tony podcast. Got metal shards in eye from grinding, which makes stand-up seem easy. Plays guitar, went on bad date to Crabby Joe's two years ago.
- Single mothers at church and strip clubs attract creepy older dudes—both run by possible pedophiles.
- Canada doesn't have real gun violence—mentions Ron the moose got shot in Ottawa.
- Sister porn bothers him because he keeps seeing it on Pornhub while scrolling.
- Tony praises Pete's natural stage presence and calm energy as rare for first-timers.
- Jeremiah jokes that Pete looks like Ozark character, echoing earlier meme about comedians.
- Crowd erupts at Canada gun violence joke, with Tony calling it one of the funniest Kill Tony jokes ever.
Set: First-timer discusses bootleg Tim Hortons called 'Tim Hottens,' joke about Little John ordering at Southern Tim Hortons, and bootleg Tim Hortons in India.
Interview: Wrote set today in just 5-10 minutes. Former advertising/client services worker. Leaving corporate life to start weed dispensary opening April 1st. Smokes 2-3g sativa daily. Likes photography.
- Bootleg Tim Hortons called 'Tim Hottens' with Little John appearing and Lil Jon greeting customers.
- Bootleg Tim Hortons in India needs white English-speaking staff to exclude locals from working there.
- Tony criticizes Vishal for talking too fast, trying to fit two minutes into one minute.
- Red Band makes inappropriate ethnic joke about Vishal's name meaning 'loser,' Vishal doesn't correct him.
Set: First-timer tells poetic story about visiting famous Irish dolphin 'Fungi' with his mother, the dolphin biting his fingers, and him later having sexual relations with the dolphin.
Interview: From Ireland, lives in Toronto with wife Kaley from Albany, NY for 3 months (staying 2 years). Works in engineering for commissioning/validation. Married for 3 years. Trains in boxing with wife. Had sex about a week ago.
- Visited famous Irish dolphin Fungi as child with mother; dolphin bit his fingers; later had sex with it.
- Tony lets Stephen continue past 60 seconds because set was so compelling; noted as rare exception.
- Stephen accidentally says 'January' with Irish accent when asked, then forced to repeat with American accent—loses the poetic effect.
- Matt Braunger references his earlier Albany, NY show joke, making Irish comedian's wife's hometown a callback.
Set: First-timer discusses DNA ancestry tests, Asian representation in dating, stereotypes about Asian men (bad drivers, small dicks), and how low expectations mean he can only exceed them.
Interview: Just turned 30. Born and raised in Toronto. Works in social media for gun store (8k Instagram followers), also does YouTube gun reviews. Break dances as hobby. Doesn't get girls through breakdancing—mostly dudes involved.
- White people do ancestry DNA tests to find out if ancestors got 'creampied' by Black people.
- Asian men have it worse in dating market—70% of women won't even be enthusiastic about it.
- Asian stereotypes (bad drivers, small dick) are low bar, so he can only exceed expectations.
- Tony asks Robin to breakdance on stage; Robin delivers impressive breakdancing moves to crowd eruption.
- After Robin's breakdancing, Tony jokes JP Scarpelli (first comedian) killed himself again.
- Robin exits by parkour-jumping off stage, continuing the running bit of creative exits.
Jam Easy
Set: Former strip club DJ turned truck driver with one year stand-up experience. Graphic jokes about various types of vaginas (cold cuts, ice cream, absinthe), cunnilingus, explicit sex acts.
Interview: DJed at strip club, now drives truck. Been doing stand-up one year. Has girlfriend of 3 years. Had sex Tuesday. Got DJ name from hip-hop artist while working at strip club. 'Jam Easy' merchandise has white power symbol accidentally.
- Vaginas compared to cold cuts falling out of sandwich; considered calling Arby's to report.
- Some vaginas taste like ice cream on hot summer day, others like absinthe.
- Sometimes have to lick ass just to get bad vagina taste out of mouth.
- Jam Easy wears unofficial white power symbol hand gesture on merchandise; discusses accidental racist connotation.
- Jeremiah Watkins (as mafioso) tries to get Jam Easy to eat spaghetti and spit-feed it to him; Jam Easy refuses despite crowd pressure.
- Despite having girlfriend 3 years, spent first 57 seconds of set talking about eating various vulvas.
Set: First-timer from rural Caledon discusses people looking identical to their dogs, mentions taking edibles, admits bombing, short set about Bee Gees music video aesthetic.
Interview: Michael, wedding/event planner. Admits on edibles, very nervous and sweaty. Wears multiple layers (jacket, sweater, shirt), uses headwrap for sweat. Has done LSD (half tab). Keeps edibles in wallet. Recently took LSD before show.
- People and their dogs are identical in appearance and personality if you look similar to your dog.
- Girl walking down street looked like she was in Bee Gees music video.
- Michael appears visibly intoxicated on edibles; becomes increasingly shifty and uncomfortable during interview.
- Michael takes off jacket mid-interview to reveal layered clothing underneath; Tony compares him to various characters.
- Matt Braunger notes most dangerous drug Michael took was the show itself (Kill Tony).
Set: Rapid-fire dark jokes: fat enough girls can blow him in rain and stay dry, father died two years ago (had to clean eavestroughs/close pool), wishes sister would use dildo on him, drew the 'mom straw' instead.
Interview: Been doing stand-up 9 months. Comfortable with 10 minutes of material. Tony offers him 5-minute guest spot for Tony's midnight show tomorrow at the Royal Theater.
- I'm so fat girls can blow me in rain and stay dry.
- Father died two years ago; hardest year was cleaning eavestroughs and closing pool.
- Wished sister would strap on dildo and 'take one for the team' but drew the mom straw.
- Tony praises perfect joke structure with no wasted words; compares to perfect cut steak.
- Tony offers Mark guest spot for midnight show tomorrow due to tight, effective material.
Set: Boss celebrated National Boss Day by stripping nude and masturbating in office. Wren works for herself now. Jokes about men miscalculating measurements (four inches vs seven inches) in construction.
Interview: Second time on show after Los Angeles appearance. Been doing stand-up 9 months (same as Mark). Just completed second tour of US states. Active in Toronto comedy scene. Asked if she's given in to comedian advances; says 'once' but not with named comedians.
- Boss celebrated National Boss Day by getting drunk, stripping nude, and masturbating fiercely in office.
- Can't trust men to build houses because they think four inches are seven inches.
- Tony notes she's worked with Mark Corakionitis; both have exactly 9 months stand-up experience—calls them 'twinsies'.
- Sara mentions being hit on by comedians regularly; Tony asks if she's given in, gets vague 'once' answer.
- Show runs long; Tony cuts interview short due to time constraints at venue.
Interview: Described as one of favorite Kill Tony guests, funny human, has been on show 4-5 times. Arrived Monday, loves Toronto. Makes jokes throughout episode, participates in interviews, provides comedy commentary on performers.
- Opens bottles of Flow sponsorship drink before episode to avoid crowd struggling with caps; table becomes soaked.
- References earlier Albany, NY material in response to Stephen's wife being from Albany.
Interview: Kill Tony band leader. Character for this episode: Italian mafioso named Vinnie Mencino. Stayed in character throughout show, ate spaghetti and bread during interviews, attempted to get Jam Easy to accept food spitting.
- Appears as Italian mafioso character 'Vinnie Mencino' with cigar, stays fully committed to character throughout entire episode.
- Eats spaghetti and bread throughout interviews; second course of pasta arrives mid-interview.
- Attempts to convince Jam Easy to accept Italian-spat food; Jam Easy ultimately refuses despite peer pressure.