Kill Tony #331
Lineup
Set: Jokes about his overly nice girlfriend, ignorance about female anatomy as a teenager, and family alcoholism. Closed with a Coors Light advertisement-like joke.
Interview: Discussed being one of the few multi-show performers, moving to LA on April 4th via train, girlfriend's pegging, and T-Mobile/Sprint switching jokes.
- Girlfriend asks to touch his penis; he offers to let her grab it
- Thought vagina and butthole were one thing; pooping was fake news
- Alcoholism runs in family but Coors Light made him better at hopscotch
- Appeared on both Philadelphia shows same night, moved to LA shortly after
- Girlfriend pegged him, discussed multiple times
Donn
Set: Jokes about white people inventing passive-aggressiveness, coworker calling him a 'character,' and comparing himself to Oscar the Grouch.
Interview: 23-year-old investment consultant from Hartford Connecticut. Revealed his mom smokes crack and does heroin, father was a pimp, has crack-baby backstory. Met girlfriend on Tinder.
- White people invented passive-aggressiveness; coworker called him a character
- Called colleague a name when she said he was a character
- Revealed mother smokes crack and heroin, father was pimp
- Joked about being a crack baby and Hartford Connecticut origin
Set: Jokes about getting porn before internet by asking older guys outside Sunoco, buying a foot fetish magazine, and confusing feet with reproduction due to the magazine.
Interview: Turning 31, white Philadelphia native, crack baby (mom smoked crack), no contact with mother for 13 years. Sister recently addicted to heroin. Works in restaurant.
- Had to beg older guys to buy porn before internet
- Bought foot fetish magazine and confused feet with reproduction
- Second back-to-back crack baby revelation of the episode
- Discussed 13-year estrangement from crack-addicted mother
Set: First-timer with controversial opener about being intrigued by 15-year-old girls (explained by having young daughters), Sephora story about dismissing young women.
Interview: Has four and five-year-old daughters, wife in audience, line cook for one year, previously worked at residential facility for special needs people. First time on stage.
- Been intrigued by 15-year-old girls because of own daughters' future
- Got high, went to Sephora, thought all young women were gross
- Controversial opener about teens immediately followed by explanation
- First time on stage, mother-in-law doesn't peg him unusually
Set: First-timer, 60 years old, jokes about being short and dealing with road rage while her daughter needed to poop in traffic; she found a bag for him.
Interview: First-time comedian ever, turning 60 in April, been with her 31-year-old boyfriend for 11 years (met him when he was 20), extremely blunt and honest about sexual practices.
- Short, road rage, daughter needed to poop in traffic
- Honest discussion of age gap relationship and sexual practices
- Made out with her boyfriend on stage
- Became beloved by audience for honesty despite age gap scandal
Set: Jokes about Philadelphia's contradictions (Rizzo statue vs progressive mayor), Black Rocky, Michael B Jordan's middle initial confusion, and Jeffrey Dahmer.
Interview: 37-year-old plumber for SEPTA (buses/trains). First time on stage. Found a fetus in plumbing 12 years ago. Met wife at bar, got drunk/made out. Been married 8 years.
- Philadelphia has contradictions: Rizzo statue but progressive mayor
- Michael B Jordan has middle initial unlike Michael Jordan
- Jeffrey Dahmer vs L Ron Hubbard names for cults
- Revealed he found a fetus in plumbing 12 years ago
- Met wife while drunk at bar during her bachelorette party
Akash
Set: Jokes about Philadelphia's working-class racism and contradictions. Had difficulty with material, seemed nervous. Brought a ransom note asking for signatures.
Interview: Multi-time performer (not first-timer), fan of the show, has a friend in LA who was on Kill Tony. Started a restaurant called 'American Tavern' on Ridge.
- Philadelphia has working-class racism and political contradictions
- Brought ransom note asking for signatures from panelists
- Performance derailed by awkward signature request during interview
Set: Jokes about masturbating dry causing discoloration on penis, not knowing how to ask ex for anal beads back, moving to Colorado feeling lost.
Interview: Third-time performer from Denver, flew in specifically for this show. Discussed ex-girlfriend and on-air phone call attempt to retrieve anal beads and smoking bowls.
- Dry masturbation caused three different colors on his penis
- Can't ask ex for anal beads back after moving to Colorado
- Tony called his ex-girlfriend live on-air to ask for anal beads
- Ex-girlfriend became uncomfortable during on-air call
- Chase flew from Denver just for chance to perform
Set: First-timer self-sabotaging set about wishing his mom did crack (to be funnier), shouldn't talk about small dick or molestation. Set fell apart early.
Interview: Nursing student, former cheerleader in college, plays tennis/football. Tony criticized his setup and lack of confidence. Tony encouraged him to believe in himself.
- Wished his mom did crack to be funnier like crack babies
- Self-destructed before real set by saying what not to do
- Tony gave coaching to not show weakness on stage
- Audience member tried to tickle him on stage
Dan Callahan
Set: Jokes about full Irish name, recently engaged and moved in together, Venmo history showing girlfriend paying dudes for eggplant emojis, online dating failure with UberPool.
Interview: Two years stand-up experience, performs regularly at Helium Philadelphia, engaged since October, proposed in Canary Islands at sunset. Has thick wallet with college diploma pocket insert.
- Full Irish name, blood type is Jamison whiskey
- Girlfriend's Venmo shows years of eggplant emoji payments to dudes
- Got banned from UberPool; mom and four kids didn't want to date him
- Strong material delivery and comic instincts praised
- Banned from all Walmarts worldwide after Michael Vick prank