Kill Tony #489
Lineup
Set: Comedy about Avengers movies and the unrealistic nature of Captain America being comfortable with Black Panther after being frozen since the 1940s.
Interview: Discussion of his past appearance, his job sorting used women's clothing, and personal trauma including being molested at age 8 and his sister's suicide attempt on his birthday.
- Avengers movies unrealistic because Captain America frozen since 1940s uncomfortable with Black Panther.
- Pink panther was a thief while Black Panther wasn't, joke about fictional panthers.
- Revealed he was molested by 13-year-old when he was 8 years old.
- Band refused to play him off stage, kept playing through his set.
Set: Disorganized set about playing bass in a metal core band with a disabled band member and a joke about deaf leopards that he botched.
Interview: Revealed he drove from South Houston while drinking white zinfandel and whiskey, plays bass, works as a barton, repeatedly apologized for poor performance.
- Band member paralyzed and blind, joke about mascot being deaf leopards.
- Apologized seven times in four minutes twenty-seven seconds, new record.
- Admitted to drinking white zinfandel and whiskey on drive from Houston.
Set: Jokes about ocean pollution, self-appearance, Austin culture, introverts with cocaine, and dating struggles as a comedian.
Interview: Seven years comedy experience, Lyft driver, single for a year, has thought about being furry, people say he looks like Tony, interested in performing at furry conventions.
- Masks in ocean won't kill life from covid but masks will kill them anyway.
- Austin is like LA and New York baby with San Francisco as surrogate.
- Everyone in Austin is paranoid because they have cocaine on them.
- Discussed dating a woman who wanted 10 kids immediately.
- Mentioned wanting to perform at furry convention, Tony noted furry booker present.
- Said people think he looks like Tony Hinchcliffe.
Set: Jokes about hereditary movie reference, the expression 'you win some you lose some', drinking milk to be more milk than Cherokee, and witches burning at stake.
Interview: Three years comedy experience, moved from Connecticut to Austin in September, father works for billion-dollar company, steals stroop waffles from Target, drinks IPAs, runs and golfs.
- Hereditary movie reference joke, people think he looks like creepy girl.
- If drink two pounds milk, would be one percent milk like Cherokee.
- Burning witches at stake worst punishment ever, couldn't imagine doing comedy on fire.
- Admitted to stealing stroop waffles from Target.
- Tony predicted he might murder someone, discussed body disposal methods.
- Revealed he wears slippers by his bed and has a bidet desire.
Set: Comedy about retrograde ejaculation drug side effect, Snapple facts, and doctors discovering semen in urine samples.
Interview: Six years comedy, moved from San Diego in January, sleeping on mattress from car, Lyft driver, first girlfriend during lockdown met at community pool, high on weed and anxious.
- Retrograde ejaculation from drugs makes guys jizz in bladder instead of out.
- Doctor confused why urine samples contain jizz, thought guy was joking.
- Revealed girlfriend made first move, he had performance anxiety and left.
- Said fungal infection to avoid sex, girlfriend asked him to stay.
- Walked home stoned and drunk after rejecting girlfriend, couldn't sleep.
E Lopez
Set: 45-second set about ancestry.com and family incest jokes, followed by a second joke about girls not paying on dates.
Interview: Second time performing comedy, first time was at open mic with 10 people, mail carrier from Dallas with 10 years experience, played soccer for first time last week.
- Ancestry.com joke about sleeping with cousins and whether they could use app.
- Told date cash gas or ass, she farted instead of paying.
- Admitted he was checking his watch, wanting to leave.
- Spoke about Mexico trip with father, mentioned Michoacan.
Set: Dark comedy about jungle fever, mother's misunderstanding, music festivals, Albert Einstein on ecstasy, and jokes about necrophilia and child abuse.
Interview: Been on show once before in June, been arrested four times for weed/marijuana, spent 180 days in county jail, uses cocaine every other week, works for Whammo (frisbees/hula hoops).
- Jungle fever joke mother thinks he means Jewish marriage preference.
- Albert Einstein at music festival on ecstasy would still believe E=MC2.
- Openly discussed using cocaine every other week on payment schedule.
- It's his birthday, celebrated with cocaine snort, drove to Austin from LA.
- Gave Whammo frisbees to random 10-year-old in parking lot, father approached.
Set: 55-second set reporting on crazy people outside venue, mentions of Montana camping and Austin differences.
Interview: First time performing, from Houston but raised in Montana, bartender at Horseshoe Bay resort, sees mountain lions, plays pinball for 10 years, wears gloves due to sweating, possibly on drugs.
- Outside guy warned about killing Tony, said he's the tin man.
- Handicap parking symbol looks like person on toilet, thought it was for bathroom.
- 55 seconds spent reporting sidewalk chaos instead of doing prepared material.
- Yonder was the guy outside singing Golden Girls and warning about Tony.
Ivan Garcia
Set: Comedy about bakery called KKK Cakes for gay weddings, tres leches cake diet joke, bad date with woman who doesn't sleep with straight men.
Interview: Appeared last week and bombed, been doing more sets this week, loves oldies music like Gil Scott-Heron and Beatles, has sex frequently in his car, emotional about relationship struggles.
- Bakery called KKK Cakes that only does gay weddings.
- Date rejected him for being straight, said he'd need to suck dick.
- Noted internet was tough on last week's set, this was better.
- Discussed having frequent sex in his car with women.
Set: Crude jokes about taking large bowel movements, New Hampshire state slogans, British colonial history, and absurdist observations.
Interview: Two years comedy experience, started in New Hampshire, doing shows in Massachusetts/Boston/Maine area, first time on Kill Tony, moved to Austin in November.
- Took poop so large could join prison gang, run San Quentin.
- New Hampshire state slogan live free or die is overcompensating.
- New Hampshire named after England because colonists hated it, absurdist logic.
- Tony mentioned Kill Tony East in Swansea Mass, annual 1000-seat venue.