Kill Tony #266 — Bret Ernst
Guests: Bret Ernst
Lineup
Set: Keanan discussed having a college degree but telling jokes on the bus instead, compared himself unfavorably to his cousin who got out of prison with higher income, and shared a controversial anecdote about meeting a burn victim on Facebook.
Interview: Tony and panel discussed Keanan's background, his work at Staples, his eight years of stand-up, and his claim about dating a burn victim, which escalated into increasingly crude jokes from the panel.
- College degree comparison: cousin got master's in IT from prison with no student debt.
- Almost got hit by car earlier; would say 'Fruity fuck rolls' before dying.
- Met burn victim on Facebook, had sex with her despite burns from house fire.
- Panel made increasingly crude jokes about burn victim, including 'burnt catfish' and ashy skin references.
- Tony corrected Keanan's punchline delivery on the car bit.
Set: Matt discussed a workplace incident involving a glove on a stick with a middle finger, his 22 years at a job bottling milk and juice, and his recent three-year ponytail experiment.
Interview: Tony explored Matt's background, his ponytail, his prison-like appearance, his job bottling milk, and his single parent upbringing from Moreno Valley.
- Workplace CSI investigation over glove-on-stick middle finger prank after 22 years employment.
- Matt's first time ever on stage, Tony made Steven Seagal comparison.
- Tony demonstrated ability to guess performer's location (Moreno Valley) through observational details.
Set: Josh performed a joke about his 43-year-old mother's tongue ring and her making oral sex gestures, accidentally ending with a 'fifth month' joke that got a big laugh.
Interview: Tony struggled to establish basic facts about Josh (his age, his mother's age, month of year), discovering he frequently makes things up and lies about his material being true.
- Mom's 43 with tongue ring, makes oral sex gestures that Josh can't respond to appropriately.
- Accidentally says 'fifth month' and gets huge laugh, realizes it was accidental comedy.
- Josh reveals he makes up material and lies about its truthfulness.
- Jeremiah the mime physically approaches Josh and stands menacingly during interview.
- Tony gives up on extracting truthful information from Josh mid-interview.
Set: Saad performed observational comedy about being from Kuwait, his mother calling him a clown for pursuing stand-up, and Middle East stereotypes. He demonstrated strong stage presence and comfort.
Interview: Tony and panel discussed Saad's background in Kuwait, his move to America at 18 in 2009, his Arabic background, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, media production company, and gave him genuine encouragement as a rising comic.
- Mother calls him a clown for pursuing stand-up instead of respectable career.
- Americans see entire Middle East as Call of Duty maps; under five Middle Easterners safe.
- Mother's joke about parents investing in kid's education only for him to become clown.
- Saad asked Tony if it's okay to be nice to bucket pull performers, breaking character.
- Tony genuinely praised Saad's stage presence and confidence as a rising comic.
- Panel made multiple Middle East/airport security jokes, including 9/11 reference.
Set: Brett performed self-deprecating jokes about his resting angry face, looking like a default Madden character, and a comparison to the Trivago guy.
Interview: Tony discussed Brett's five-year comedy career, skateboarding, abusive mother (who poured water on him and made him take Latin), his marriage of 18 years, his house, lack of intimacy with wife, and therapy for sexual frustrations.
- Face looks like default white guy in Madden 2018, looks like defendant in court.
- Tony disclosed Brett's lack of intimacy with wife for two years, related to his own marriage.
- Brett discussed wanting wife to roleplay as busty nurse but she refuses.
- Brett mentioned smelling girl's hair on escalator at Beverly Center as fantasy.
- Brett owns house with low mortgage from early purchase, contrast to Tony's homelessness.
Set: Malcolm performed observational comedy about black people going to jail with celebrations, not hearing cop sirens (jogging instead), and a joke about trusting half a mixed-race friend, and a joke about mothers beating kids hard.
Interview: Tony discussed Malcolm's growth, new Volvo car purchased by fans, new house, recent breakup with girlfriend after three years, newfound single life with women, and Vegas trip.
- Black people go to jail with celebrations—cookout, baby shower—like extended party.
- Mixed friend says don't trust white people, borrows $20; gives him $10 instead.
- Fans raised money for Malcolm to buy new Volvo to replace 1992 Ford Taurus.
- Malcolm disclosed recent breakup with long-term girlfriend after three years.
- Multiple female audience members physically responded to breakup news.
Set: Sarah performed jokes about vaccinations, a friend who couldn't have sex due to boyfriend's large penis, a dwarf friend's ironic workout caption, and a joke about being tall.
Interview: Tony discussed Sarah's Australian background, four years in LA, two years in Dubai DJing, move to America, work with her cocktail company Cali Craft Cocktails, music production, and new comedy career (started January).
- Friend couldn't have sex because boyfriend's penis too large, asks what's the issue.
- Dwarf friend's Instagram workout caption: 'pushing myself to grow' is darkly ironic.
- People tell Sarah she's tall; she responds 'What gave it away?'
- Tony made small breast jokes throughout the interview, multiple times.
- Sarah forgot her next joke and time ran out; Tony acknowledged the awkwardness.
- Jeremiah left the stage during interview, apparently offended by small breast jokes.
Set: Matty performed jokes about a girlfriend who covered her face during orgasm, Pavlovian conditioning from hearing deaf people talk, and his porn search habits versus Amazon audiobooks narrated by Marlee Matlin.
Interview: Tony discussed Matty's Boston background, three years of stand-up, bartending job, street art background, running as hobby, drinking habits (8-10 Miller Lites when he drinks), and accent helping him with women.
- Girlfriend covers face during orgasm; becomes Pavlovian trigger for arousal from deaf people.
- Searches Amazon Prime for audiobooks narrated by Marlee Matlin instead of porn.
- Matty disclosed his Boston accent helps him get laid; Jeremiah joked they 'double team' girls.
- Matty confirmed he received advance at bar for unknown favor one time.