Kill Tony #276 — Jeff Garlin
Guests: Jeff Garlin
Lineup
Set: 21-year-old describes embarrassing trips to the pediatrician, inability to swallow pills, and theories about Naked and Afraid raw footage being taken home as pornography.
Interview: Jacob discusses moving from Maryland two weeks ago in a Kia Optima that broke down, his fifth time performing stand-up, and dropping out of Towson University after two years.
- 21-year-old still goes to pediatrician, guarantees largest penis in group
- Can't swallow pills orally but can take suppositories
- Naked and Afraid raw footage taken home as pornography by editor
- Jeff Garland unexpectedly emotive, tells Jacob world is cruel, gives sincere advice
- Jacob compares bees to flying needles, both Jeff and audience appreciate the metaphor
Set: Nick discusses being a foster kid after father's death at 15, jokes about unconventional childhood including being locked in closets, and compares stepdads to products like 'I Can't Believe It's Not Dad.'
Interview: Nick reveals he's 21, from Orange County, studies psychology at Chapman University, and had a strict religious aunt and uncle who banned phones in bathrooms to prevent masturbation.
- Foster kid means dad dead, mom had no maternal instincts
- Stepdads as substitute fathers like 'I Can't Believe It's Not Dad'
- Thought everyone got locked in closet, had to befriend vacuum
- Jeff gives sincere compliment about bravery and being grounded despite trauma
- Brian makes inappropriate rape joke, Jeff calls him out
Set: Justin discusses isolation in high school, beatboxing as failed social strategy, listening to Biggie with his mother who was his only friend, and a girl's breakup advice involving Big Papa.
Interview: Justin is 34, retired from real estate investment in Boston, moved to LA five months ago, met someone at the Comedy Store, and five-year stand-up comic.
- White kid beatboxing at party ruins everything for everyone
- Mother was only friend, listened to Biggie, turned heroes against him
- Cried over breakup, mother asked what Biggie would say
- Jeff tells Justin to take off backwards hat immediately, harsh truth bomb about looking like idiot
- Justin shares father's bucket list inspired him to do comedy, deeply personal moment
- Jeff praises Justin and gives modeling/confidence advice about sunglasses
Set: Kristen jokes about red-dyed hair making her look like a used tampon, rolling her own tampons with tobacco, airport tampon string explosion, and Dayton Ohio inventing flight to escape.
Interview: Kristen is an ice sculptor working in LA for two months, waitresses at vegan restaurant Olaac, from Dayton Ohio with aerospace engineer father and welder mother.
- Red-dyed hair from shower looks like used tampon, expensive high-class tampon
- Used to roll own tampons with tobacco for flavor
- Tampon string hanging out at airport, pulled it and exploded
- Jeff gives harsh critique on tampon jokes and appearance, advises dressing conservatively despite wild persona
- Jeff does character bit as angry vegan restaurant customer Billy Pool
Set: Kiernan discusses lack of confidence compared to Post Malone, jokes about tattoos being badass, and criticizes inner lip tattoos as stupid, especially Gemini sign tattoos obscuring gingivitis.
Interview: Kiernan is 24, moved to LA April 20th from New York, works in advertising writing for Toyota, drives a leased Corolla, surfs as a hobby in South Bay.
- Wishes for Post Malone's face tattoo confidence moxie
- Fifty years ago any tattoo made you badass, even Virgin Mary on ankle
- Inner lip tattoos stupid, nobody sees them, makes you look like idiot
- Jeff yells at Kiernan not to apologize, demands confidence and swagger
- Jeff coaches Kiernan on putting on sunglasses with swagger, multiple takes shown
- Jeff encourages Kiernan to enjoy present moment during late-night thoughts
Set: Justin jokes about Greyhound being ghettoest airline, grandma discouraging his move to LA, criticizing people with 20/20 vision wearing fake glasses, wishing AIDS on fake glasses wearers, and Disney character experience.
Interview: Justin has seven years stand-up experience, moved to LA in December from Orlando, grew up in Portland Oregon and Memphis Tennessee, did Disney College program as Tigger, Blue, Genie, Woody.
- Greyhound is ghettoest airline, planes don't get off ground, horrible magic school bus
- Grandma upset about move to LA, says not funny enough, wants him to sell soap
- People with 20/20 vision wearing fake glasses are dicks, should catch AIDS
- Jeff harshly criticizes AIDS joke as cheap closing, demands authenticity
- Jeff explains comedy should be real or absurd, not middle ground
- Jeff and Brian discuss Tigger pronunciation controversy, racial dynamics of the joke
Set: Malcolm does observational comedy about fat black girl confidence eating chicken, comparing to skinny white girls, black men's reactions to dating questions, story of being caught eating Oreos at girl's house when boyfriend arrived.
Interview: Malcolm is 24, regular on the show who performs new minute weekly, writes and performs original material, Jeff gives him high praise with no notes.
- Fat black girl confidence: eats chicken, admits it; skinny white girl says 'in shape'
- Black men rubbing themselves when asked if fucking a girl, bizarre ritual
- Ran through kitchen, grabbed Oreo when boyfriend arrived, fled with snack
- Jeff praises Malcolm's callback about fat black girl confidence eating Oreos
- Jeff gives Malcolm his only comedy advice: keep working, no notes needed
- Jeff calls Malcolm back out just to shake his hand, spiritual moment
Set: Nicky discusses being old enough to perform weekly if comedy went by age, offers misogynist and racist jokes, jokes about being called racist for calling a black idiot idiot while white people called genius, Italian heritage with big mouth energy.
Interview: Nicky is older, very talkative and combative with panel, has written two books and five screenplays, Jeff suggests character acting career instead of stand-up stage work.
- Called racist for calling black guy idiot, call white people idiots labeled genius
- Italian full-blooded Italian, also IBN Italian big mouth
- Italians make love like meal: spaghetti sauce, meatballs, pepperoni
- Panel cuts Nicky's mic off due to unbearable talking and rule-breaking
- Jeff tells Nicky not to do stand-up ever except toasts, but cast him as character actor
- Nicky walks out opposite direction from entrance, gets laughs on exit
Set: Jesus discusses not liking his name, mother's affair with milkman named Johnny, two-foot chorizo from milkman that mother hugged, neighborhood finding out, Dunko the cholo grabbing his dick as reaction.
Interview: Jesus is 59, just retired in January, trimming trees since 1968, married for 39 years with two daughters, attended Catholic school and was altar boy who had inappropriate encounter with priest.
- Mom had affair with milkman named Johnny, gave extra quart chocolate milk
- Milkman left two-foot chorizo, mother hugged it, whole block found out
- Dunko the cholo saw him at school, grabbed his dick as reaction
- Jeff praises Jesus as Mexican Brock Lesnar, incredible first-time set
- Jesus discusses altar boy experience with priest, moment turns serious
- Jeff advises Jesus to stop eating sugar given recent near-death in August