Kill Tony #428
Lineup
Set: Matt's first stand-up set covers absurd observational humor about depression, masturbation with a hot dog, and wordplay about cheeseburger farts as mustard gas.
Interview: Matt discusses his engagement after 7 years together, took girlfriend to Selena murder sites in Corpus Christi for proposal, cleans pools, worked at pet shop.
- Masturbated with hot dog up ass at 16, broke and panicked thinking he needed hospital.
- Cheeseburger farts should be called mustard gas due to condiment reference.
- Tony and panel extensively probe the specifics of the hot dog incident, establishing it as cooked, refrigerated, 3/4 inserted.
- Matt reveals he's engaged to girlfriend he met through hot dog incident era, now uses strap-on.
Set: Fluffy discusses a motorcycle accident in Porter, Texas where he got t-boned by a 1996 Ford Mustang, did a front flip, broke both legs, and mentions brain damage aftermath.
Interview: Fluffy confirms first time doing stand-up, from Cut and Shoot Texas, was hospitalized with broken legs, operated on an air bed due to inability to lift him, has diabetes and foot infection concerns.
- Got t-boned by Mustang, did front flip, broke both legs, saw dementors while waiting for oncoming traffic.
- Tony questions Fluffy's understanding of what 'successfully landing a front-flip' means given the broken legs outcome.
- Fluffy reveals he was nicknamed after Gabriel Iglesias during 2007 encounter, nickname stuck despite weight changes.
Set: James does first-time stand-up with crude sexual references about his girlfriend wanting to sleep with Joe Rogan, and a poorly structured joke about YouTube black girls and Hoover drivers.
Interview: James is 28, from North Side Houston, works on trucks, been with girlfriend 12.5 years, she's a cheer coach. Tony relentlessly mocks his truck fumes confusion and lack of answers.
- My girlfriend wants to sleep with Joe Rogan, so I threatened to sleep with YouTube girls with Hoover drivers.
- Joe Rogan unexpectedly phones in during the interview after James mentions his name during the set, catches Joe eating elk and jalapenos.
- Tony struggles to extract basic information about James's job, eventually discovering he works on trucks but James provides minimal useful answers.
Set: Kyle discusses having two cocaine lines in the bathroom as a joke, then talks about his girlfriend choosing a safe word for rough sex and her choice being 'cooked' which doesn't make sense as a punchline.
Interview: Kyle is 22, first-timer, works in logistics scheduling pickups, been with girlfriend 4.5 years, no special skills, not good at fantasy football, parents still alive.
- Had fake cocaine in bathroom when bucket name called, safe word with girlfriend is 'cooked' for rough sex.
- Tony explains Kyle's cocaine bathroom joke makes no sense because he wouldn't have heard his name called due to distance and doors.
- Kyle reveals he loses in the fantasy football championship every year, mislabeling it as 'Super Bowl'.
Set: Gabe discusses stereotypes about Texans, his uncle using roofies, and his unusual hunting activities. Minimal coherent material in set.
Interview: Gabe is 23, first-timer from Conroe, growing first beard, been watching Kill Tony forever, came to San Antonio show yesterday, has three kids with one woman at age 23, married young to avoid being deadbeat.
- Uncle used to use roofies for fun and take 'the gay away' on hunting trips.
- Gabe reveals he has three kids at age 23, had first at 15-16, married to avoid being deadbeat, wife struggling with postpartum depression and has apparently left with the kids.
- Tony suggests Gabe focus on getting his life together and stop blaming his wife's depression, situation reveals wife likely with another man in Arizona.
Set: Zahid discusses being mistaken for Indian, recent legalization of gay sex in India (medicinally not recreationally), and his mother buying a family mousepad customization fail without actually customizing it.
Interview: Zahid has done stand-up 6 years, started in Houston, parents from Tanzania (Indian descent), moved to New York then Houston, discusses racism experiences and parking lot incident with racist employee.
- India legalized gay sex but only medicinally not recreationally, joke about distinction.
- Mom bought family mousepad with strangers' pictures thinking it was customized family photos.
- Tony engages Zahid in serious conversation about racism, whether it's increased or just more visible, leads to discussion of Trump's make America great again rhetoric.
- Zahid mentions parking lot incident where someone told Iranian parking attendant to go back to his country, sparks Tony's deeper conversation about racism.
Set: Dylan discusses millennials and participation trophies, finding corn in the woods as kids, describes it as titties, and finding/burying it as childhood treasure.
Interview: Dylan is 30, drives Nissan Frontier, first-time stand-up, builds houses, plays guitar, goes to live music (Deadhead/Fish fan), girlfriend in law school (biracial), met on Tinder, 4 years sober, youngest of 4 siblings.
- Millennials get participation trophies, millennial origin based on finding corn in woods as titties as kids.
- Dylan reveals he's 4 years sober after drug addiction and homelessness, now building healthy life through stand-up despite being nervous.
- Tony praises Dylan for taking chance on stage despite difficult past, turning adrenaline rush into healthy outlet.
Set: Enrique discusses being called a ten-year-old lesbian, having feminine face with masculine shoulders making him look strongest in yoga class, uses racial code-switching for different friend groups.
Interview: Enrique is 23, returning 3rd time on Kill Tony, became Texas semifinalist for funniest comic, still has braces (missed payments), in committed relationship with 30-year-old biracial woman for one year, uses safe sex punchlines.
- Called ten-year-old lesbian, has feminine face masculine shoulders, looks strongest guy at yoga class.
- Girlfriend is biracial and taller, during sex positions resembles chihuahua trying to help husky.
- Gavin (flight attendant panel guest) tries a joke mid-interview that bombs, tests his comedy on Enrique's set.
- Enrique reveals grandmother practiced El Salvadorian black magic ritual that supposedly killed stepmother via thunderstorm curse, demonstrates family tradition comedy.
- Tony reveals Enrique as 'Texas Kill Tony regular' who came in as semifinalist in state funniest comedian competition.
Brian B
Set: Brian discusses rudeness in society, eating out a one-armed girl for 30 minutes, then finding she has a mini second arm and using half-nelson with tickling as revenge sexual play.
Interview: Brian is 44 from Maryland, first-time stand-up, daughter (17) bought him tickets to DC sold-out show last year, drove to Houston to see show with buddy from Maryland, married 20 years, does voiceover work.
- Dates one-armed girl 30 minutes, discovers she has mini arm, uses half-nelson and tickling as sexual revenge.
- Brian reveals 17-year-old daughter bought him Kill Tony tickets for his birthday, drove to Houston to see him perform after missing DC show.
- Brian does multiple voiceover impressions including SportsCenter, emergency landing, Gatorade/Pulp Fiction opening, demonstrates professional voiceover talent mid-interview.
- Discussion about allowing teenage daughter to have boys in bedroom, Brian explains open-door policy to prevent sneaking around.
Olivia
Set: Olivia discusses sucking dick for first time, looking severely underage, bouncers thinking she has nefarious plans, one bouncer bit her ID to verify authenticity.
Interview: Olivia is 23, first-time stand-up, has associate's degree in liberal arts, cleans houses for a year, from around Texas (moved frequently), father is airplane mechanic, lives in College Station, didn't like Houston so left.
- First time sucking dick I'm pretty good at it, look severely underage so bouncers are suspicious of me everywhere.
- Tony notes Olivia casually insults Houston (the city the show is in) but does so smoothly that audience barely reacts, praising her likability.
- Tony encourages Olivia to do more stand-up despite her saying she hates it, praising her strong execution for first-timer.
Colt McNeely
Set: Colt discusses baby wipes for butt-wiping instead of toilet paper, comparing sensation to oral sex, jokes about ex-girlfriend selling nudes on Snapchat for pizza prices.
Interview: Colt is returning Kill Tony regular and competitive Taekwondo fighter going to Spain for international tournament, demonstrates board-breaking with Jeremiah and discusses kicking abilities.
- Baby wipes feel like oral sex but you never worry about them throwing up on your butt cheeks.
- Ex-girlfriend sells nudes on Snapchat for same price as pepperoni pizza, pepperoni nipples joke.
- Colt performs board-breaking live on stage with Jeremiah holding wood, demonstrates Taekwondo competitive skill, part of Kill Tony's recurring physical comedy bits.
- Second piece of wood offered for Tony to break, Tony refuses claiming he's never kicked wood, requests Colt break it instead.