Kill Tony #556 — Jake Shields, Brian Simpson
Guests: Jake Shields · Brian Simpson
Lineup
Set: Observational humor about names, Christians and the footprints poem, dating American women, and racial docility. Includes story about massage gunning girlfriend's buttocks and intimate details about sexual performance.
Interview: Discussed girlfriend who is a comedian and dancer, theragun use, oral sex frequency (1 for 4), smoking weed from HEB apple, upcoming MGM Grand arena show with Joe Rogan.
- Christians have footprints poem but homophobic Jesus wouldn't carry dudes on beaches
- Difficulty dating American women because they're tough; other races are docile and nice
- Tony and panel extensively joke about massage gun incident from green room
- Hans reveals he's 1 for 4 on making girlfriend orgasm during oral sex
Set: Anti-trans humor, mahoganist relationship joke, autism and Minecraft references, dark web origin claim, QR code reading ability, YouTube algorithm commentary.
Interview: Revealed as 32-year-old who looks 13, retired web developer made money from dogecoin, owns Tesla and Miata, plays with gun ranges, Jewish parents don't talk to him much.
- Claims to be trans-phobic, came out as bigot finally
- Mahoganist relationship, coffee table girlfriend reference
- Tony and Brian comment on his impossibly young appearance despite being 32
- Booked for five minutes on Thursday show during interview
Set: Asian heritage month observation, Samoan body shape comparison, vaccinated sperm commentary, Johnson & Johnson vaccine joke.
Interview: Discussed being beautician from Dallas, celibate since November, fire-eating talent from attending class, Vietnamese grandfather fought in American side of Vietnam War.
- Asian American Pacific Islander month too complicated, just call it Chinese
- Built like lower case Samoan, looks like Lilo if she did psychedelics
- Reveals fire-eating skill, Jake jokes about Hans potentially dating her
- Extended jokes about celibacy and asexuality from panel
Set: Dark observational comedy about Ukraine war and soldiers partying. Followed by extensive improv segment where Michael comes up with bad advertising slogans for brand names audience suggests.
Interview: Legendary improv olympian and coach who handed pre-written material to Tony. Performed 'loco promotion' bit creating intentionally bad ad slogans for brands like Froot Loops, Trojans, Gerber, Clorox, Pixar, Spotify, Twitter.
- Froot Loops: love cereal and your [ __ ]
- Pixar: you're 45-minute virgin who loves animation
- Michael performs structured improv advertising bit with audience suggestions
- Suggests replacing 'cauliflower ear' with inclusive term for wrestlers of color
Set: Wizard/Hogwarts joke that becomes wart joke. Apple watch workout competition wins through edible consumption and YouTube pedestrian accident videos. Very short 30-second set.
Interview: Flew in Saturday from Chicago, medical device sales, first-time stand-up performer. Parents and girlfriend brought on stage mid-interview, mother is fifth-grade teacher, father also in medical sales, girlfriend is physical therapy graduate student.
- Wanted to go to Hogwarts, ended up with warts on hog instead
- Wins Apple watch competitions by eating edibles and watching accident videos
- Jack's entire family brought on stage: parents and girlfriend, wholesome family moment
- Mother encourages him to move to Austin, Tony discourages, family dynamic shown
- Booked for five-minute set Thursday and given joke book
Set: Jokes about looking like discount ice cream, haters messaging him in daytime only, quitting acting due to insulting agent submissions (being told 'potentially on the spectrum', 'conventionally unattractive').
Interview: Actor/comedian in Austin, frustrated with agent, dressing better with safari outfit. Discussed girlfriend, challenged to do push-ups (did 31 very short ones), mentioned being in Good Hearts Club movie and Invite Us on Apple TV.
- Looks like ice cream ordered off Wish, doesn't need strangers pointing it out
- Agent only messages during daytime, wants him to die before bedtime
- Tony provides 'Martin Luther Tiger King' one-liner about safari outfit
- Ellis challenged to do push-ups, performs 31 very shallow ones on stage
Set: Story about wife returning emotional from women-in-business event, Tony doing math on how many women cried, reveal that he's analyzing rather than comforting.
Interview: Swedish man married one week ago (Wednesday), moved to Austin August from Sweden, runs solar company. First-time stand-up, recently started smoking weed in America, met wife in Oslo, Norway.
- Wife crying at women-in-business event, he does math on participation rate
- Tony makes fun of Swedish accent difficulty understanding
- Accidentally hired to job at Garrison Brothers Distillery through crowd-work
Set: Accidentally said 'I love you' on molly, now in relationship. Period sex for iron health, doctors prescription, period blood on penis comparison to prize fighter.
Interview: Five to six years stand-up experience, started in North Carolina then Chicago four years, moved to Austin over a year ago. Living in car before girlfriend let him stay, now looking for job, worked docks in Chicago.
- Took molly, accidentally said I love you, now stuck in relationship
- Doctor prescribed period sex for iron, blood makes penis feel like prize fighter
- Brian Simpson praises set and jokesmanship, call backs to Swedish performer's weak set
- Real job opportunity offered from audience CEO at Garrison Brothers Distillery
BJ
Set: From Midwest, likes hunting, shot pheasant on neighbor's land, roshambo (groin-kicking) competition for pheasant, neighbor too hurt to continue after seven minutes.
Interview: Never signed up, randomly pulled from audience, real debut. From Midwest hunting background, got picked on spot by Tony after audience interaction.
- Shot pheasant on neighbor's land, offered roshambo competition for it
- Pulled directly from audience without signing up, first-ever performance
- New cousin-in-law Heather brought on stage during interview
Set: Jokes about filming planes for crash footage, ethnic comedians exaggerating appearance, English as second language, Dennis Rodman in airport bathroom, kidnapping/babysitting wordplay, Muppet movie rating system.
Interview: Tony asks about taxes (William hasn't done them), Jake Shields initially thought to be tax attorney. Discussion about Miami swimming plans, matching swimsuits, confused about ocean versus pool swimming.
- Just filming planes in case one crashes for later sale footage
- New movie rating: children under 30 can't watch Muppets, they're nightmares
- William kicks audience member out for saying 'no' to tax question after asking
- Bathroom undressing incident with Ellis Aych, naked clothes-swapping story
- Describes peeing at Applebee's with shorts all the way down, getting soaked
Jake Shields
Interview: UFC fighter and panel guest, made comments about comedians and roasted other performers throughout show. Tony thought he was tax attorney when googling his name.
- Tony confused Jake Shields with tax attorney when googling
Interview: Comedian and Netflix The Stand-Ups Season 3 cast member, panel guest making observations about performers throughout show. Praised Sam Prickett's performance.
- Praised Sam Prickett's jokesmanship and ability to follow weak Swedish performer