Kill Tony #487
Lineup
Set: Set about regional sports, opioid crisis, Richard Nixon, and Santa Claus with southern charm and self-deprecating humor about his appearance.
Interview: Discussed his trip to Austin, holiday celebrations, weight gain from eating cookies, pandering to crowds, and upcoming gigs. Tony roasted his appearance extensively.
- Vanderbilt had female kicker; Texas A&M's response about cheerleaders.
- G. Gordon Liddy broke into Watergate but not show business.
- Santa Claus is not Muslim (historical reference humor).
- William uses problematic phrase 'coons age' multiple times; Tony instructs him to stop.
- Reveals he ate 40 pounds of cookies his mother sent, causing visible weight gain.
Set: Graphic set about ex-boyfriend sleeping with ex-best friend on her donated bed with period stains; heavy sexual and bodily fluid humor.
Interview: Discussed driving from LA, car breakdown in El paso, relationship history, and did spirit totem animal readings. Tony noted she's become a regular despite pre-selection.
- Ex-girlfriend was lesbian; his dick wasn't curved right for conversion.
- Period stains on old bed like Jackson Pollock vs. straight pomegranate red.
- Mentions car died in El Paso with starter taped together; had to keep running.
- Tony calls her 'one of the best performances by a female comedian' at end.
Set: Set about COVID vaccines, racism jokes about Latinos, assault rifles, girlfriend rejection story with video proposal, and dark subject matter.
Interview: Discussed being from Minnesota, memoir writing, ghostwriting for CEOs, proposing to girlfriend Nicole who said no, borrowed ring from her mother.
- COVID vaccine for puppies causes autism; joked about Latinos getting Taco Bell's Palsy.
- AR-15s named that because you must be 15 to kill math teacher.
- Revealed he videotaped his failed proposal to girlfriend Nicole; she said no and didn't answer.
- Tony plays video of the failed proposal on screen for audience.
Set: Set about catching parents having sex, masturbation story, Arnold Schwarzenegger movie observations, bedroom technique without using hands.
Interview: Discussed Sunbury Ohio, 20-hour drive to Austin, state of Texas job making attorney courses, did the worm for crowd, no special skills.
- Dad said 'can't you knock' while having sex; teen learned to knock back.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent never mentioned in movies despite being central.
- Claims he doesn't use fingers going down, keeps hands to sides like crucified.
- Performs the worm dance on stage with energetic music.
- Reveals he doesn't use fingers during oral sex; Tony extracts confused details.
Set: Set about COVID causing loss of taste/smell during Thanksgiving, gained weight, getting taste back eating various meats, roasted by panel.
Interview: Discussed Tinder in Austin, weight gain, trying Ostrich burger, Texas barbecue, new trainer, dietary changes, wrestling longhorn, fishing plans.
- Lost taste/smell; got it back eating pennies; tasted like spare change.
- No taste/smell during Thanksgiving as fat guy; experienced first white Thanksgiving.
- Panel roasts David extensively about weight, appearance, bleached ass, smell.
- David reveals he has a trainer and is making dietary changes.
Set: Set about abusive upbringing in Portugal with boxing ring mother, being called 'shitty little piggy', dating abusive men, family dysfunction.
Interview: Discussed Portugal origins, marriage to government worker, moved to Austin in March, no sex in marriage for years, worked as flight attendant.
- Mother beating her like Mike Tyson vs. Sofia Vergara while coaching.
- Mom called her 'shitty little piggy' in Portuguese; normalized abusive relationships.
- Tony mentions taking her girlfriend for wine (which confuses her); apparent strange moment.
- Called 'one of the funniest performances by a female comedian' by Tony.
Set: Set about being 21, homeschooled, single dad, ex-girlfriend calling him trash on social media, continued sleeping with her after breakup.
Interview: Discussed being first one to show up, missing front tooth (pulled it himself with floss/doorknob), skateboarding injury, private pilot's license.
- Ex posted trash can pic calling him trash; he kept sleeping with her.
- If called trash but still sleeping together, he's now compost (one step up).
- Reveals he pulled out his own tooth six months ago with floss and doorknob.
- Tony notices he's missing a tooth and obsesses over it; audience finds it compelling.
Set: Set about being half Mexican/half gay, bisexuality, tasting herself, relationship with IBM worker with IBS, Republican dating boycott.
Interview: Discussed almost 2 years in comedy, born/raised Austin, working for father in oil/gas, unemployed after college, graduated without clear direction.
- Identifies as half gay, half Mexican, prefers being called just 'dumb bitch'.
- Tastes herself more than others; she's wild salmon vs. frozen tilapia.
- Dated IBM worker with IBS; discovered no common ground except mutual dysfunction.
- Watches Wizard of Oz XXX porn clip with midgets; discusses it casually.
- Called 'one of the funniest performances by a female comedian' by Tony at end.
Set: Set about spelling his name, insecurity despite bragging, being chubby not fat, approaching women with 'your dad' joke, general self-deprecation.
Interview: Discussed being terrified on stage, insecurity about size, Italian heritage confusion, working in unemployment, bartending previously, recent hammy injury playing golf.
- Only one way to spell Brian with 'i'; not Ryan with 'b' or Brain with 'a'.
- Not fat, chubby—fat people don't talk to women; he says 'you got a dad'.
- Forgets rest of jokes and says audience intimidates him.
- Tony cuts interview short saying he talks too long after each question.
Set: Set about being Jewish with mullet, converting to Christianity for free Bible, service dog exploiting regulations, transgendered dog story, eharmony dating.
Interview: Real name Eli Halpern, previously seen in LA at Comedy Store, very energetic on drinks/Adderall, works in Amazon/e-commerce, building cricket protein bars.
- So Jewish he grew mullet to pay for haircuts every two weeks.
- Dog named Pablo Escobar Jr.; service is fighting/exploiting federal loopholes.
- Told people dog was transgendered in LA; people related with cousin's cat story.
- Extremely high energy throughout; admits to Adderall use, energy drinks, previous drug use.
- Mentions pterodactyl porn; Tony encourages audience to Google it.