Kill Tony #538 — David Lucas
Guests: David Lucas
Lineup
Set: Hans discusses growing up Christian as an Asian person, the Bible's narrative structure, and his atheism. He jokes about fossils and ideology being destroyed by facts.
Interview: Hans recently moved from a van to a house-sitting situation at the comedy store GM's place, threw a party that got police called, and has been spending time with local comedian Candace Medina who plays Settlers of Catan.
- Bible doesn't mention Asians until halfway through, then kills main character repeatedly
- Being atheist less stressful than ideology destroyed by scientific facts like fossils
- Tony makes fun of Hans for naming his local comedian girlfriend on air, David Lucas warns him to keep secrets
- Discussion of watching Starcraft 2 with a girl; Tony mocks this as unsexy, suggests watching TV dramas instead
- Hans agrees to get a Texas outline tattoo on his chest next week on the show
Set: Ray delivers dark one-liners about his appearance, sexual assault, AIDS, and controversial topics including ISIS and beheading videos. Heavy shock humor style.
Interview: Ray has been on the show before, was previously compared to a nutcracker. Now dating someone very PC who he can't show his Kill Tony sets to. Previously with someone; recently met new person on Bumble.
- Only girls who would date him were sexually assaulted by Tobey Maguire
- Claims to have two types of AIDS: hearing aids and actual AIDS from getting fucked in ass
- Tony points out Ray appears to be reading jokes from a book, challenges authenticity
- Ray mentions new girlfriend is super PC and he hides his comedy from her
- Ray jokes girlfriend spit out his jokes when he told her one; David Lucas makes serial killer accusations
Maximus Lawless
Set: Taylor's first stand-up set ever. South African comedian explaining her country name, jokes about being bitten by lion as toddler, and playing with audience guessing game about her origin.
Interview: First-time stand-up performer. Moved to US 2014, lives in New York doing PhD in biomedical science with computational research. Boyfriend is big Kill Tony fan, visiting Austin for the week.
- South Africa has most self-explanatory country name; people think she's from England/Australia/New Zealand
- Been bitten by lion which is true but was baby lion and she was toddler so fair fight
- Tony makes offensive Nigeria/blood diamond jokes about South Africa
- Tony aggressively pushes Taylor toward D Madness bass player, fake offers romantic setup
- Interview reveals boyfriend works in finance, Tony jokes he works at check cashing place
Set: Brad, LGBTQ thespian, jokes about Texas governor Abbott not standing for women's rights, identifies as gay, and makes meta-joke about thespians being too gay.
Interview: First-time appearance, 4 months stand-up, from San Antonio, now lives Austin. Works as barista. Sings Amy Winehouse beautifully on stage; hasn't kissed anyone in a year but receives kiss from audience member.
- Governor Greg Abbott doesn't stand for women's rights, he doesn't stand for anything
- Self-identified thespian who identifies as gay, making meta-joke about thespians being too gay
- Brad sings Amy Winehouse song live with band, gets standing ovation and audience response
- Tony arranges for audience member to come on stage and kiss Brad, his first kiss in a year
Set: Anastasia delivers dark material about childhood sexual abuse, victim-blaming, cops, and pedophiles. Graphic and controversial content throughout.
Interview: On show 2 weeks prior, 6 months stand-up, bartending on 6th Street Austin. Recently mentioned father who grew cannabis and died in head-on collision 2 years ago; waiting on settlement. From San Antonio.
- Sucking dicks since age 4, still getting messages from high school people about past dome
- Cops slow to catch pedophiles because future victims give best blowjobs
- Anastasia discusses father's death in head-on collision during cannabis delivery, case still pending
- Tony asks about settlement money, Anastasia jokes she and brothers might each get a meal
Set: Kristie jokes about lying to father about dating, father thinking she did cocaine, catching her with rough sex partner, father on Tinder, and him being bad kisser.
Interview: Back on show after 5 months, 3 years stand-up experience. Just moved to Austin mid-June from Dallas. Entire family dead: mom died cancer, grandparents dementia/Alzheimer's, dad alive but unstable.
- Told dad she hung with friends, he assumed cocaine, reality was blowjobs with white substance
- Since mother died, father became horny teenager, pulls up Tinder with Kristie in his age range
- Tony asks how whole family died; mom cancer, grandparents dementia/Alzheimer's, dad still alive but crazy
- Tony jokes Kristie looks like protest activist with BLM billboard; compares to Katy Perry locked in Bucky's
- Kristie sings for audience, receives standing ovation, Tony compares to Adele
Set: William jokes about Maximus staying with him, Home Alone 1 vs 2 debate, sex swing vs sex zipline, University of Pennsylvania swimmer transition and records.
Interview: Over 6 months sober. Stopped liking raisins/raisin bread. Recently got hemorrhoids, drinks 2-3 jugs of prune juice weekly. Illegally purchased gun, fires it into storm drains near Barton Springs mall, chases people threatening him.
- Home Alone 2 is so bad he voted for Trump to get him out of acting
- University of Pennsylvania swimmer identifies as female, breaking women's records including dick size
- Built sex zipline in backyard, more extreme than sex swing
- Red Band accuses William of stealing jokes from Red's tweets about Home Alone 2; William admits it
- William discusses getting hemorrhoids, drinking prune juice, carrying unlicensed gun in holster
- William says he shoots into storm drains at Barton Springs mall, was on news for chasing people with gun
- William threatens Red Band's house over joke theft, Red Band and William joke about shooting up his place