Kill Tony #540 — Ehsan Ahmad
Guests: Ehsan Ahmad
Lineup
Set: Hans discusses police hand fetishes, blames rich people instead of Mexicans for economic problems, and makes observations about wealthy people's sex lives.
Interview: Hans made out with a middle-aged Ukrainian woman at midnight on New Year's Eve. He ate mushrooms, fixed his van brakes for $1000, and met his mechanic at the show.
- Cops have a hand fetish because they're always asking to see hands.
- People blame poor Mexicans for economic problems instead of rich people.
- Rich people don't miss out on anything after good sex.
- Hans's mechanic from the brake shop was in the audience and recognized him from Kill Tony.
Set: Christopher jokes about his dad thinking he was gay, discusses vaginas and phone sex, critiques women's fake orgasms, and makes a callback about his jeep.
Interview: Christopher is from Providence, started comedy in November 2020, just left the Coast Guard after 4 years doing search and rescue (mostly on radio), now sells solar panels. He's in a long-distance relationship with a girl in New Hampshire, also in the Coast Guard.
- Dad thought he was gay, but he's just a jeep guy.
- Women calling vaginas cookies is a bad name since he's never paid $500 for one.
- Made a mold of his own penis to show girls how to perform better.
- Christopher's set ran over time and he tried to add a punchline after being cut off.
- Tony questioned if Christopher actually rescued people in the Coast Guard.
Set: Arash criticizes single moms on dating apps, comparing them to homeless people, discusses their demands and lack of appeal to successful men.
Interview: Arash is Persian from Iran, works as a programmer in video games, loves basketball. His girlfriend recently moved in with him. His grandfather was an Olympic wrestler. He admits his jokes come from resentment toward women now that he's locked down a relationship.
- Single moms on dating apps are like homeless people of dating sites.
- Real men don't want to raise another man's kids and get laid.
- Tony plays Iran national anthem joke after learning Arash is Persian, similar to Christopher Mueller bit.
- Discussion of Arash's grandfather being an Olympic wrestler connects to Iranian wrestling tradition.
Set: Ryan jokes about wearing the same condom like Steve Jobs wore the same outfit, discusses his girlfriend being jealous of his Minecraft addiction, and her ownership of the PlayStation.
Interview: Ryan is 23 from suburban Utah (Salt Lake area), started comedy 1.5 years ago, works at a sandwich shop. He has a mustache and was previously on the show. He disclosed past heroin and drug use, now clean 1.5-2 years, drinks moderately.
- Wears the same condom every time, passed down from father and grandfather.
- Girlfriend jealous of Minecraft addiction, worried he'll leave her for the game.
- Ryan revealed he used to smoke heroin and traded pizza for crack in LA.
- Ryan has been on the show before and attempted disguise with new mustache.
Set: Haseeb starts with knock-knock joke referencing ISIS, clarifies he's Muslim and not bothered by terrorist jokes, then makes comparative jokes about Mexicans vs Pakistanis and substance abuse.
Interview: Haseeb is from Anaheim, Pakistan background, started comedy in December 2018 (3-4 years). He's 26, had a girlfriend in high school only, recently started dating in the past year through comedy bars. Never kissed a girl since high school. Works DoorDash.
- Knock-knock joke with ISIS punchline; clarifies he's Muslim freedom fighter, not terrorist.
- Mexicans play with illegal explosives in July, Pakistanis don't need alcohol to abuse kids.
- Tony attempts to get audience members to kiss Haseeb after learning he hasn't kissed a girl since high school.
- Extended interview coaching Haseeb to be more honest rather than joke-deflecting in conversation.
Set: Jacob discusses his parents' divorce in middle school coinciding with his romantic interests, and his dad re-entering the dating pool, creating a weird competition between father and son.
Interview: Jacob is 23, college student, works as head manager for school basketball team. His parents divorced when he was in 6th-7th grade due to father's porn addiction or mother being 'crazy' (conflicting accounts). Father in advertising sales. Jacob lives with his mom, not on campus.
- Parents' divorce in middle school created competition with father in dating pool.
- Father using old man strength backing him to rim like guilt tripping about dating.
- Jacob revealed he broke his bed during sex with an overweight woman after Christmas party.
- Extended story about mother walking in during masturbation, dropping lotion bottle.
- Tony impersonates bedroom mother noises, creates awkward but comedic moment.
Erol
Set: Erol discusses minimalism leading to van life and homelessness, then mentions driving around lending a helping hand.
Interview: Erol is van-lifer, started comedy at 20-21 in Portland Oregon for one year, then taught 8th grade science at University of Oregon. Bought 1999 Astro van for $700 two years ago, traveling mostly the last month. Has voices in head telling him to brush teeth and do good things. Killed a bird with blow dart gun once. Has small dog in van. Loves ping pong.
- Take minimalism seriously and end up living in a van.
- Erol brought notebook with drawing of Tony from behind, revealed it during interview.
- Extended discussion of voices in Erol's head, relationship to drug use and mental state.
- Erol admits to killing bird with blow dart gun and feeling terrible about it.
Set: Ellis discusses his brother getting girls easily by wearing a bandana like Tupac while Ellis looks like Tracy Morgan. Complains about disparities in attractiveness, discusses double dating, makes monkey comparisons.
Interview: Ellis had a pregnancy scare with a 205lb Jamaican woman, joked about Plan B not working on heavier women. Had sex while watching 'You Got Served', watched it at her place with snacks, did prep work 2 hours before. Plans to drive Uber after. Invited back for secret show Thursday.
- Brother wears bandana as Tupac, Ellis looks like Tracy Morgan from Longest Yard.
- Plan B doesn't work on heavy women, need Plan C (flan B).
- Ellis introduces and debuts 'flan b' joke after 15 years of waiting for opportunity with heavy girl pregnancy scare context.
- Ellis detailed sexual cooking metaphor about heating chicken in girlfriend's body.
- Tony offers Ellis regular spot to replace David Lucas when he's unavailable due to babies and health.
Set: Irma discusses her overly Mexican name without being taught Spanish, bullying with 'Irma Sperma' nickname in school, being a teacher-alcoholic, and ultimately choosing alcohol over her job.
Interview: Irma has retinitis pigmentosa (eye disorder), quit teaching due to vision loss, been doing comedy 6 years. Married 10 years to Mexican IT guy who works in Mexico City and Brazil. Has 4 blended kids (all 18+), three work in landscaping, one doesn't. Owns Comedy House in San Antonio. Husband supports family of 6. Likes karaoke, sings Nicki Minaj 'Super Bass'.
- Parents gave her most Mexican name but didn't teach her Spanish.
- Kids bullied her with 'Irma Sperma' nickname in school while she taught.
- Hard being a good teacher and alcoholic simultaneously; alcohol always wins.
- Irma's eye disorder mentioned, Tony notes D Madness laughing at her blindness.
- Berto (likely Berto Colon) was supposed to walk Irma on stage but didn't show up.
Set: William opens with dark joke about being raped at comedy house, discusses New Year's resolutions about selfishness, and makes extensive Elizabeth Holmes securities fraud joke with Steve Jobs costume comparison.
Interview: William spent holidays in Tennessee with father Larry doing puzzles (1000-piece Christmas puzzle, 500-piece puzzle). Toured with unlicensed gun in trunk, fantasizes about shooting strangers. Surprised with appearance from 'son' Jameis/Trey left at Exxon in Memphis. William had fake buzzer hand shake prank prepared for Red Band.
- Got raped at the comedy house in San Antonio; beware the place.
- New Year's resolution is to stop murdering people, unlike people saying 'focus on needs'.
- Elizabeth Holmes securities fraud conviction; imagines her saying 'oh fuck' when verdict read.
- William confesses fantasies about shooting people from his car while traveling.
- William reveals unlicensed gun in trunk during family visit to Tennessee.
- Hand buzzer prank where William tricks Red Band into shaking hand with buzzer.
- William's 'son' Jameis/Trey appears on stage claiming to be left at Exxon in Memphis.