Kill Tony #561 — Ari Shaffir, Chris Distefano
Guests: Ari Shaffir · Chris Distefano
Lineup
Set: Hans opens with jokes about vegans being annoying, then pivots to jokes about borders and maps. Topics include fitness, relationships, liberal girlfriends, and minority groups.
Interview: Tony discusses Hans's recent Joe Rogan theater shows, workout experiences, and spending habits. The interview culminates in a controversial bit where Hans lists his three least favorite minority groups.
- Vegans are worse than animal murderers due to annoying personalities
- Self-help books can be found on roadside with evicted family belongings
- Borders are necessary for maps and geography
- Hans reveals his three least favorite minority groups during interview segment, with crowd reactions ranging from concern to laughter
- Tony references Hans's recent success opening for Joe Rogan at theaters
Set: Dareon jokes about pedicabs, moving to Austin, scooters, and being larger. He recounts an incident where someone commented on the strength of scooters while he rode by.
Interview: Tony and panel discuss Dareon's weight (424 lbs), his work at Vulcan Gas Company, his job as a door guy where he stole money, his gambling addiction, and his marriage. Topics include his wife's teaching job and his crippling poker habit.
- Pedicab driver died, people yell mean things at him on scooters
- Man on curb commented on scooter strength without realizing he could hear
- Dareon gets on reinforced scale and weighs 424 lbs, revealed to be heavier than comparison mentioned but discussed good-naturedly
- Tony reveals the story of catching Dareon taking money at the door as a door guy two weeks ago wearing a green shirt
- Dareon admits to taking $150 from a customer but eventually gave most of it back
Set: Owen makes jokes about having a large penis, references the Elon Musk sexual misconduct allegation with flight attendant, and makes autopilot/ludicrous mode car jokes.
Interview: Tony discovers Owen is homeless/car camping since Saturday from Maine, first time ever on stage, just listens to the podcast. They discuss his Doordash job, college dropout status, and his voluntary homelessness situation.
- Penis so big it would reach from stage to Kansas
- Elon Musk showed flight attendant his penis and offered horse for massage
- If penis was on autopilot or ludicrous mode, could be problematic
- Owen reveals he is literally homeless, living in a tent in his car since moving to Austin from Maine on Saturday
- D Madness (bass player) faces the opposite direction during Owen's interview, creating visual comedy moment
- Tony gives Owen a full pair of socks as a gift during interview
Set: Michael Lehrer returns as a legendary regular with ALS/Lou Gehrig's disease. He discusses being disabled, Jewish heritage, and confronting hate speech protesters in downtown Austin from his wheelchair.
Interview: Tony and panel praise Michael's material and mic control. Discussion touches on his disease progression and his fearless approach to comedy and social interaction.
- Got ALS which slowed him down, making comedy easier since he talks slowly
- Cops don't know what to do when wheelchair user tells them to fuck off
- Interrupts hate speech protesters in downtown Austin asking for dollar change
- West Hollywood Bear stays back out of respect for Michael's performance and wheelchair status
- Michael performs over 4 minutes of material, far exceeding standard 60-second format
- Ari notes Michael has Joe Gehrig's disease (playful reference to Ari's own health)
Set: Timmy discusses being a toxic male fan of Louis CK since his scandal, jokes about preferring to masturbate behind women's backs, and works a corporate gig at a KKK rally.
Interview: Tony notes Timmy is from Chicago, very pale, has a fanny pack. They discuss his weight (127 lbs), his crypto investments in dogecoin, and his Jewish/German heritage.
- Became Louis CK fan in 2017 after scandal, inspired by his misconduct
- Prefers masturbating behind women's backs rather than in front
- Worked corporate gig at KKK rally, told he was too racist
- Timmy weighs in at 127 lbs, one of smallest performers, containing heavy gold bars in fanny pack
- Tony gives Timmy a gold bar as joke payment, Timmy then gives it to Chris Distefano during interview
- Discussion of Timmy's gold hoarding, crypto investments in dogecoin, and Jewish/German heritage
Set: Liz discusses big dick energy, her appearance and pink hue, aggressive personality, vibrator arguments, couples therapy with a butt plug, and men not making her orgasm.
Interview: Liz discusses opening for Joe Rogan, her upcoming headlining show, recent shroom experiences at birthday party, her coffee/vegan shake morning routine, and recent breakup with her fuck buddy when he secretly recorded her.
- Prefers 'big fuck energy' over 'big dick energy' due to appearance
- Vibrator died mid-orgasm, went to couples therapy with butt plug
- When men don't make her cum, she wishes they would die
- Liz reveals she recently took mushrooms for first time and had breakthrough realizing she's most gorgeous woman in world
- Liz caught boyfriend secretly recording them having sex, tackled him to delete video but he probably uploaded to iCloud
- Red Band warns about iCloud syncing potentially keeping the sex tape accessible despite deletion
- Liz offered future appearance on secret show by Tony
Set: Chelby jokes about staying in giant potatoes in Idaho vs Austin, practicing self-love by spitting in her own mouth, boyfriend taking her to shooting range, and hand jobs vs guns.
Interview: Discussion of Chelby's Houston background, 7 months of stand-up, self-deprecation coping mechanism, recent text breakup with boyfriend who never expressed he liked her, and her father's death from emphysema.
- Can stay in giant potato in Idaho but just ask nicely in Austin
- Practices self-love by spitting in her own mouth
- Shooting guns like giving hand jobs, not good at either, prefer putting it in mouth
- Chelby reveals she broke up with her boyfriend via text today after 6 months, he wasn't expressing he liked her
- Disclosed her father died when she was 15 from emphysema smoking
- Tony offers Chelby a secret show appearance, boosting her career
Set: William opens with girlfriend breakup text, references Dash from Incredibles as description of audience member, jokes about Forensic Files dentist misunderstanding, and monkeypox spread at music festival.
Interview: Discussion of William's recent road work in Salt Lake City, his recalled Jiff peanut butter concern about salmonella, his new Cameo at $400, and extended banter about his knee appearance.
- Girlfriend broke up via text, opening for Dash from Incredibles grown up and joined Aryan Nation
- Forensic Files dental student ate chalk and played in ball pit at 17
- Old woman at Belgium music festival spread monkeypox, Red Band's mom involved
- William mentions recalled Jiff peanut butter and concerns about salmonella
- William demonstrates his knees which are described as having faces/looking like aliens, generates extended discussion
- Paul Diemer trombone player confrontation where William gets aroused and band plays romantic music
- William jokes about murdering Mormon people in Salt Lake City during recent road work