Kill Tony #569 — Theo Von
Guests: Theo Von
Lineup
Set: Hans discusses his frequent trips to Florida, being mistaken for a Coke dealer, meeting fans, and recent unprotected pool sex with his ex-girlfriend.
Interview: Hans talks about his arena bookings, pool sex details, reconciliation with his ex, and his famous pool goggles from Las Vegas.
- Biden got COVID, predictable during pandemic with 77-year-old president
- Old people running government can't figure out iPads or outlets
- Florida sex trafficking capital means he's not only Asian performing for old white men
- Hans shares details about unprotected pool sex with ex at apartment complex
- Tony recalls Vegas hotel story of Hans walking around with pool goggles
Set: Joe describes getting caught watching VR pornography at his grandparents' house on his grandma's 69th birthday, with details about his nervousness and shame.
Interview: Joe discusses his recent VR headset purchase, the reality of checking for unlocked doors, his nervousness after a year break, and dating a girl from Pennsylvania.
- Got caught watching VR porn at grandparents', wasn't sure who saw him
- Brother told him grandma said worst birthday ever after catching him
- Joe reveals he watches VR porn with 30-minute prep window when roommate is gone
- Theo shares childhood story of his mom catching him masturbating with towel
Set: Max's set runs long (1:14) with jokes about monkeypox/Joe Rogan, Lightyear/gay subtext, and trans Mr. Potato Head references.
Interview: Max is 24, has a food science degree from A&M, brews kombucha, recently broke up with girlfriend, takes boxing classes for self-defense.
- Monkeypox would hit Joe Rogan hardest, making him look like Tony
- Lightyear should have gone gayer with it, call it Boy Story
- Trans Mr. Potato Head always switching out his parts
- Max shadow boxes on stage after Tony asks to see his boxing skills
- Max reveals he broke collarbone in 5th grade, fantasized about revenge
Set: Ellis discusses his cousin falling for a roughneck ex-convict, his own ex wanting him to be tougher, and contrasts his theater background with her criminal boyfriend's prison time.
Interview: Ellis talks about his Amazon job, attending a rich person's party with animals, basketball playing, and acting experience including Othello.
- Cousin fell for roughneck fresh out of pen, he beat her as expected
- Ex wanted him tough, her ex was in MS-13, he's a theater major
- He was in Othello doing community theater, her ex in community service
- Tony asks Ellis to roleplay a breakup scene to demonstrate acting skills
- Ellis performs emotional breakup scene with Theo as girlfriend
Set: Patrick does 52 seconds comparing himself to Jesus with eating disorder, Jason Momoa decomposed, Jason Lee, and Ari Shafir on mushrooms.
Interview: Patrick's first time ever, from San Antonio, signed up many times, musician plays guitar/bass/drums, drums compete against Michael Gonzalez.
- I look like Jesus with eating disorder, smacked on ass by mistake
- Look like Jason Momoa after decomposing decades, Jason Lee version
- Patrick challenges Michael Gonzalez in drum competition on his first appearance
- Patrick loses drum battle badly, audience votes overwhelmingly for Michael
Set: Yonder does self-deprecating Jesus jokes about living in Pflugerville, diabetes jokes, crystal meth hippies, and diarrhea pregnancy comparisons.
Interview: Yonder moved to Austin October 14th, discusses leaving Myrtle Beach, anxiety around crowds, impressing with William Montgomery impression, performs Ring of Fire-inspired guitar song.
- Jesus if born in Pflugerville with diabetes instead of dying for sins
- White trash hippie chicks recharge crystal meth in moonlight
- Diarrhea from three fast foods like pregnancy, Taco Bell/Whataburger hybrid
- Yonder does impressive William Montgomery impression, gets praise from Tony and Theo
- Yonder performs Jewish grandfather voice impression and other characters
- Yonder performs original song with guitar, demonstrates musical talent
Set: Mike does material about growing up rich, Halloween full bars, rich bullies with credit cards, getting bitch tits in 5th grade, and hating being poor now.
Interview: Mike's been doing Santa 4 years, moved to Austin from LA, gets window AC unit, family name is Eaton ironically as he's the only fat one, family includes comedian Connor Stevens.
- Grew up rich, Halloween was full bars, still getting amber alerts
- Rich bullies worse than poor ones, dad had credit card not job
- Got bitch tits in 5th grade, first in school, treated poorly
- Theo guesses Mike plays Nintendo Switch accurately without prior knowledge
- Mike reveals he dies 6 times per night from sleep apnea
- Tony and Mike discuss going to get peach cobbler ice cream at Besame
Set: Monica compares AirPods to butt plugs, discusses poor financial situation, references Poland/Schindler's List, makes horse jokes.
Interview: Monica from Dallas suburbs, 8 months comedy experience, server at Fireside restaurant, previously IT, dyslexic, lives on family ranch with horses, sings karaoke Ring of Fire.
- AirPods like butt plugs, hard to get in at first, never comes out
- Jesus take wheel while I roll the weed, watch out for cops
- City cops ride horses, country cops ride each other
- Tony requests Monica perform karaoke Ring of Fire on stage
- Monica sings Ring of Fire but gets too nervous halfway through
- Monica reveals she's horse girl, lives on family ranch with horses
Set: William jokes about losing Adidas sponsorship, becoming sexual preference developer (WG=wiener grabber), adds LGBTWG to acronym, discusses Shark Week attractions.
Interview: William mentions $20k bet with Theo on NBA, has been calling Theo daily, Theo forgives debt and requests no more contact, William now sober after cocaine use.
- Developed WG sexual preference code: wiener grabber, expanded LGBTWG
- Red Band's mom so fat, instead LGBT she's TCBY
- Shark Week has boats, sunburns, bathing suits, shirtless cameramen, Miami
- William confesses to $20k NBA bet with Theo, hasn't paid, calls daily
- Theo forgives debt if William stops contacting him about it
- Fool the Dee segment where William and Yonder argue about Chuck E. Cheese cocaine
- William mentions bringing gun to show, practicing trigger pull, accidentally shot himself Easter