Kill Tony #587 — Kurt Metzger
Guests: Kurt Metzger
Lineup
Set: Hans discusses licking buttholes without making it a personality trait, clubbing with couples, and a Thanksgiving sex marathon with his girlfriend. He wraps with a pilgrims/Indians joke connecting to butthole eating.
Interview: Hans talks about his relationship, recent comedy club sales, a new Roomba purchase, and addresses Reddit criticism about his sex-focused comedy. He gets emotional about online feedback affecting his confidence.
- Licking buttholes shouldn't be a personality trait like Gatorade flavor
- Clubbing with significant other is watching people try to cheat
- Thanksgiving sex marathon where he ate her butt while she ate his
- Kurt gives a surprisingly positive review of Hans's set, rating it 3.5 'FTX goofy looking girlfriends'
- Hans becomes emotional about Reddit feedback affecting his comedy confidence
Set: Nipple Mike does edgy conspiracy-adjacent comedy about pronouns, Trump's OnlyFans, and the January 6th Capitol riot. Heavy LGBTQ/political content with shock humor.
Interview: Tony and panel discover Mike is 47 years old, lives in Honolulu for 22 years as a Forester managing wildland fire programs. Got the 'Nipple Mike' nickname from kite surfing community due to nipple rings he used to have.
- Proud member of LGBTQ Anon community with pronouns 'bro' and 'dude'
- Trump secretly an OnlyFans creator who's actually a Butch lesbian in drag
- Would have Jan 6th'd Nancy Pelosi's house with the concept of January 69th
- Revelation that Mike is 47 years old surprises Tony, who thought he could be 11 or 104
- Panel discusses the origin of 'Nipple Mike' nickname from kite surfing community and nipple rings
- Audience member types question asking if he gives off pedophile vibes; Tony addresses it
Set: Uncle Lazer delivers high-energy comedy about poverty, getting a color TV at 19 and discovering The Simpsons weren't Black, and making money. Builds absurdist humor with catchphrases and intensity.
Interview: Uncle Lazer is 32, reveals his mother worked at Frito-Lay for 33 years with Doritos dust on her eyes. Performs a harmonica blues number mid-interview about his hot red woman. Invites Tony to a secret show and agrees to perform New Year's Eve.
- Growing up so poor, thought The Simpsons were Black on black-and-white TV
- When got color TV at 19, realized Simpsons are yellow/Asian, not Black
- Uncle Lazer pulls out harmonicas and performs a full blues number mid-interview
- Kurt asks if he makes up stories about his age to avoid reality checks
- Reveals his mother did his hair in garage with running car (carbon monoxide joke)
Set: David Lucas does explicit sex comedy about preferring fat women, describing their body heat and sexual attributes with graphic detail. Dark punchlines about condom melting and rejection.
Interview: David just returned from headlining in Canada (Winnipeg). Panel roasts his appearance extensively. David fires back with insults about Tony's fashion and sexuality. Energetic roast battle with multiple participants.
- Loves fat women because of big areolas and intense body heat during sex
- Can't wear condom with fat woman because body heat melts it
- When fat girl says 'no' at 380 pounds, that shouldn't be her vocabulary
- Kurt compares David's appearance to Ari Shafir's dad and Iranian George Jefferson
- Extended roast battle where David attacks Tony's clothing, sexuality, and physical appearance
- David claims to have been involved in stopping the Colorado Springs shooting
Set: Chris does comedy about being gay and Asian, covering lockdowns, monkeypox, and referring to himself sarcastically as 'Dickachu.' Topics include COVID coverage and LGBTQ community orgies.
Interview: Chris is 25, from the Philippines, grew up in US. Marine Corps veteran who came out while serving. Engaged to a Turkish man who is a virgin waiting for marriage. Works multiple jobs including Tesla and other companies.
- Being gay Asian during COVID lockdowns led to monkeypox in monthly orgies
- Sarcastically calls himself Dickachu regarding monkeypox discourse
- Chris reveals he's never been with a woman and came out in Marine Corps
- D Madness visibly disturbed by revelation that Chris and partner haven't had sex yet, just kiss goodnight
- Kurt makes gay Asian Forrest Gump callback that causes him to break character
Zito
Set: Zito's first comedy attempt based on drunk bar advice about Brazilian wax making dick bigger. Unclear punchline about waxing, confused audience reaction, admitted to panic during set.
Interview: Zito is 25, works in finance, lives in 5-bedroom house with one roommate. Has poker room and personal office. Girlfriend of 8 months works 3 jobs. Limited hobbies (mostly disc golf and poker). Previously sold cars for Ford and Cadillac.
- Getting Brazilian wax costs $80 but claims it doubles dick size
- Zito admits drunk person at bar told him this premise would work as a stand-up bit
- Zito laughs at his own setup, Tony notices and calls out that he was pranked
Set: William does rapid-fire topical one-liners about penis pills, monkeypox renaming, Saudi Arabia journalism, climate reparations, released sex offenders, and Cyber Monday ending with a joke about uncle incest.
Interview: William obsesses over Cyber Monday, bought short corduroy pants online that look like pirate outfit with cowboy boots. Has tiny ankles from genetics and soccer injuries. Discusses Thanksgiving with Red Band's awkward prayer about his wife Janice.
- Penis pills made his penis shrink by 2 inches from already tiny size
- Monkeypox renaming to '[ __ ] blisters' by WHO; acknowledges it sounds offensive
- Saudi Arabia winning World Cup means beheading journalists like Jamal Khashoggi
- Band responds immediately to every mention of 'Cyber Monday' with coordinated sound effect
- William admits blood in stool due to hemorrhoids from not wiping for 3-4 years
- Red Band reads an awkward prayer at Thanksgiving dinner mentioning his wife Janice repeatedly