Dan Nolan
Dan Nolan has performed on Kill Tony 14 times. Every appearance below, with set summaries and timestamps.
Appearances
Dan covers liking trans porn doesn't make you gay (chemicals do), being 6'5" with perceived small penis that was just far away, and sperm test tasting like Pepsi where almost everyone preferred it.
- Trans porn doesn't make you gay; not caring about giant beautiful penises is
- Being 6'5" made him think he had small penis until realizing it was far away
- Sperm taste test was blindfolded, almost everyone preferred Pepsi
Dan discussed his job as a professional studio audience member for CBS shows, watching Steve Harvey bully kids on 'Little Big Shots,' and the dynamics of that weird job.
- Professional studio audience: CBS pays $60 to watch Steve Harvey shows.
- Little Big Shots: smart kids vs dumb Steve Harvey, he bullies them.
Dan covers weight loss during quarantine, running, a fitness app showing 'obese' category, making jokes about a pedophile-tracking app and game show idea, ending with dark humor about children.
- Weight loss categories: 'obese' to 'concerning' — 'y'all better be concerned'.
- iPhone app tracking pedophiles in neighborhood, can't swipe or message them.
- Game show idea 'To Catch a Predator' or 'Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' with children.
Personal material about five years sobriety (with LSD caveat), AA founder history with acid and deathbed whiskey, and heroin/fentanyl future plans. Educational and darkly funny.
- AA founder kicked out for promoting acid, died sober mad
- Fentanyl patch at Washington Wizards game better than team
- Will do heroin on deathbed to avoid dying sober
Dan discussed his past heroin addiction and coping mechanisms, making jokes about blacking out from drinking and accidentally pooping his pants during fights.
- Only did heroin on special occasions; had crippling addiction to special occasions.
- People hold you accountable for drunk actions; claims he fantasized about pooping pants in fights.
- Pooped his pants during two fistfights, only lost one; should have won both on technicality.
Recovering addict comedian celebrating 18 months sobriety discussing his heroin addiction and shoplifting career: stealing and reselling Rosetta Stone software on eBay and Craigslist for drug money.
- Stole Rosetta Stone from Target; if alarm went off, just be white and ask 'are you doing?'
- Sold stolen Rosetta Stone on eBay; account shut down; started meeting dudes in sketchy parking lots on Craigslist
- Customers wanted Rosetta Stone for their maids; worked in TV and made enough to snort 2 grams heroin daily
Dark, personal standup about heroin addiction recovery (15 months clean), using heroin while working on TV shows, jail time for driving without a license, and now working in dog-walking dispatch.
- Heroin addict jokes about needles and vaccination autism
- Compares heroin addiction to a movie shoot wrapping
- Between the toes heroin storage joke
Dan is a recovering heroin addict (nearly 3 years sober) who jokes about the logistics of drug use, accidentally buying crack instead of heroin, and trying to return it to his dealer.
- Shooting heroin at Chipotle was his favorite location because nobody questions 25-minute bathroom visits.
- Accidentally bought crack, tried to return it to dealer asking to speak to the manager.
Dan discusses heroin addiction recovery and 75-pound weight gain. Makes jokes about dirty spoons now covered in pudding, jail time, making pancakes in prison.
- Used to shoot heroin; now looks like he's smuggling it
- Dirty spoons on car floor now covered in pudding instead of heroin
- Made 2000 pancakes in jail; caught one rack before dropping to look tough
Dan delivers rapid-fire one-liners including jokes about lesbian weddings, iPhone apps for sex offenders, a Simon & Garfunkel tribute band, Vietnamese prostitutes, and penguin sexuality.
- Just flew in from lesbian wedding, moms are tired
- Sex offender app won't let you swipe or wink at offenders
- Penguins mate for life; he had regrets after sleeping with multiple penguins
One-liner heavy set about penguins mating for life, donating body to math instead of science, spoofing optimist/optometrist, supporting small businesses, and shower masturbation called 'master bathing'.
- Penguins mate for life, I wish I'd known before fucking them
- Jerking off in shower should be called master bathing not masturbation
- Wanted to donate sperm but need college degree, left it on bus
Rapid-fire one-liners about sex offender apps, dating apps, dicks, and various observational topics. Delivery is fast and comedic style reminiscent of Mitch Hedberg but with his own take.
- iPhone app showing sex offender locations but no swiping capability
- Men should brag about their dick holes like women brag about stuff
Set about being five months sober with sponsor MailChimp, stealing Rosetta Stone software from Target, selling it on eBay, and Rosetta Stone company goons shutting down his operation. Also mentions selling it on Craigslist.
- Sponsored sobriety by MailChimp email marketing; uses Rosetta Stone as sponsor joke.
- Stole Rosetta Stone from Target, sold on eBay at half price until caught.
- Started selling Rosetta Stone on Craigslist after eBay account shut down by company goons.
Set about Vietnamese prostitute showing up early, running/being gay, training for a bathon, finding dad is gay, coins melted in house fire, collecting EBT stamps, finishing school without graduating.
- Vietnamese prostitute showed up 3 hours early wanting to love him wrong
- Ran 3 miles straight then 3 miles gay, training for bathon
- Dad's coin collection became medium-well coins after house fire