Kill Tony #481 — Don Barris
Guests: Don Barris
Lineup
Set: William performs as an Arab Sheikh with one-liners about being mistaken for a terrorist, wife jokes, and observations about Saudi culture and Islam. He discusses Muhammad's diet and reveals he shit himself in the costume.
Interview: William discusses his Arab Sheikh Halloween costume, admitting he wore it for a week, shit his pants in it, and his girlfriend helped clean him up. Tony and Don discuss his relationship issues and fear of his girlfriend.
- Do I look like a guy who'd kill a journalist or do business with Hunter Biden
- What do you call a woman driver beheaded? A flying carpet.
- Tony spends more time in sand traps than Saudi drug dealers (golf joke).
- William admits to defecating in his shorts while wearing the costume and his girlfriend helping clean him
- Reveal that William is soaking with sweat during interview
Set: Fernando performs book-smart observational humor about being too white for both Mexican and white kids, calling himself a people-pleaser, and darkly joking about educational theater and heroin needles.
Interview: An 18+ minute interview where Fernando reveals he's married, has pelvic floor dysfunction in his wife preventing sex, did cocaine at 17-18, and hasn't had sex with his wife in over a year despite being married. Extremely detailed discussion of his wedding night and wife's medical condition.
- I'm too white for Mexican kids, too white for white kids sometimes.
- Wearing a condom to masturbate is like wearing a mask alone in your car.
- Never knew heroin existed until they told me about spoon collectors' irrational fears.
- Don Barris says he's never wanted to beat anyone up more than Fernando
- Revelation that Fernando and his wife had no sexual activity before marriage
- Extended discussion of Fernando's wife's pelvic floor dysfunction preventing penetration
Set: Kristy performs as an astrologer giving 2020 pandemic advice: become a sex worker, get paywall, use coconut oil, tattoo promo codes on yourself, and skip college. Topical pandemic humor.
Interview: Christy reveals she also has pelvic floor dysfunction from endometriosis, had surgery, and discusses physical therapy. She's brought tarot cards as gifts and performs readings for the panel using oracle cards.
- 2020 advice: just hoe yourself out, get paywall, use coconut oil, skip college.
- Christy reveals she also has pelvic floor dysfunction from endometriosis, creating callback to Fernando's situation
- Christy performs tarot readings for the entire panel, giving oracle cards as gifts
- Tarot reading advice for Tony's move to Austin and various panel members' futures
Set: David performs observational comedy about depression, time travel only working for white people, dinosaurs eating Black people, and his friend's 'love language' texts. Strong material with clever inversions.
Interview: David discusses writing jokes at the table, his approach to stand-up versus one-liners, a Halloween show where he performed against William, and his training/fighting with small ripped fighters.
- Time travel only works for white people; Black people would get lynched.
- If dinosaurs existed, they probably ate Black people too.
- Friend texts about love language; David asks if he wants his dick sucked.
- Tony praises the time travel joke as excellent material with expansion potential
Set: David performs about growing up with two gay dads, hearing his parents have sex, their 25-year strong relationship, and joking about their sexual prowess. Observational humor about family and sexuality.
Interview: David discusses his divorce parents, mom's remarriage to a straight man, moving from Humboldt to Thousand Oaks, working at REI, and trying new sexual experiences with his girlfriend including mushrooms and finger play.
- Kids don't cheer when hearing parents have sex; his dads say normal things.
- His dads have been fucking for 25 years; they could suck cork from wine bottle.
- David reveals his girlfriend stuck a finger in his ass during sex
- Discussion of trying mushrooms during sex in Sedona with outdoor camping attempts
Set: Mario performs about racist Italian grandfather, mistaking neighbors for raccoons after hearing 'coloreds,' and grandfather dying of lung cancer from smoking. Dark family humor.
Interview: Mario discusses taking yoga at Pacific Park, observing white people, recently rewatching The Sopranos, his long sobriety from heroin, and being compared to Luigi from Super Mario.
- Thought neighbors were raccoons because grandfather said 'the coloreds'.
- Didn't know they were called Brazil nuts until year after grandfather died.
- Grandfather died of lung cancer from carton of non-filter cigarettes daily for 30 years.
- Don Barris mentions Mario has had sex with William Montgomery's girlfriend (callback)
Set: Lisa performs about looking like various celebrities (Lorna Dern, Amy Poehler, Macaulay Culkin), people wearing masks alone in cars, and condom jokes. Observational pandemic humor.
Interview: Lisa discusses being a nurse from Cambridge, Ohio, her voting for Biden, and her plain vanilla lifestyle including coffee routines, supplements, and commute to work.
- People get mistaken for celebrities like Amy Poehler and Macaulay Culkin.
- Wearing mask alone in car is like wearing condom to masturbate.
- Tony and panel spend extended time asking Lisa about her mundane morning routine
Set: Michael, now in character as 'Steve Martian,' performs about trading sex for woodworking, his disability affecting his life, racist past, and current struggles with drugs and relationships. Dark material about becoming disabled.
Interview: Michael discusses his recent trip to Wyoming to visit his dad, obtaining a wheelchair that didn't fit the hotel bathroom, and his new character Steve Martian as a vessel for his consciousness.
- Traded fucking for woodworking; girlfriend not happy with table-building.
- 90% of life is scary; hands get stuck between drywall like Free Solo documentary.
- Was able-bodied and racist, now disabled and understands Puerto Ricans' struggles.
- Michael's return after hiatus is presented as major moment, 'return of the noble beast'
- Michael reveals new performance character 'Steve Martian' as vessel for his consciousness
- Michael discusses wheelchair accessibility fail at Wyoming hotel