Kill Tony #518 — Michael Lehrer
Guests: Michael Lehrer
Lineup
Set: Hans opens strong with jokes about the Olympics, child molestation timing, and African water access. He jokes about his sister and toilet water in Africa.
Interview: Hans discusses a girl he made out with and had sex with in the broom closet, describing it in graphic detail including the duration and positions.
- Child molesters wait until victims are 25 before they get revenge, so Hans only molests the elderly.
- Sister says African drinking water is dirtier than toilet water; Hans offers to let African people drink from his toilet.
- Hans brought a date to the show who he met on Instagram and kissed her on stage, then another woman from the audience came up and kissed him instead, sabotaging his date.
- Hans describes in explicit detail having sex with an audience member in the broom closet the previous week, including positions and duration.
Set: Jimmy performs as a firefighter new to Austin, making 9/11 jokes and discussing meeting young adults. He includes a knock-knock 9/11 joke.
Interview: Tony interviews Jimmy about being a firefighter, discovering he works in DFW, does jiu jitsu, and has been in a 4-year relationship. Tony finds him boring.
- 18-year-olds born in 2003 can be dated legally, which feels like a trap with Chris Hansen implications.
- Knock-knock joke: 9/11 who, 'I thought you'd never forget.'
- Jimmy reveals he's a firefighter and made 9/11 jokes because of his profession, comparing it to how Black people say the n-word.
Set: Irish comedian Jason performs about returning to stand-up after 10 months off, dating, and meeting a QAnon believer on dating apps. He includes crowd participation.
Interview: Tony interviews Jason about being Irish, living off-and-on in Austin for 5 years, working as a cameraman in Ireland, and his comedy podcast.
- After pandemic break, last gig was a Parkinson's convention with big movers and shakers.
- Dating app match who calls him 'tater tot' for being 5'7" Irish; he calls her 'misinformation' after discovering she's QAnon.
- Jason dances an Irish jig on stage when Tony asks him to.
Set: Dallas performs jokes about being named after the Cowboys, getting called a [ __ ] by a Packers fan, observing his nephew eating spicy foods, and relating it to serial killers.
Interview: Tony discusses Dallas's lesbian appearance, adoption, meeting his biological mother Rhonda who was a pill head, and his excitement about being part of the Austin comedy scene.
- Named after Dallas Cowboys, got called a [ __ ] by a Packers fan whose husband was a Saints fan using NFL as aphrodisiac.
- Nephew eating wasabi peas, sauerkraut, and horseradish shows signs of being next Ted Bundy; it hurt him like marriage.
- Dallas reveals he was adopted at birth and his biological mother Rhonda, when asked who his father was, simply said 'f*** if I know.'
Set: David performs as a regular about dating white women, QAnon believers, and his observations about interracial relationships and white women's behavior.
Interview: Tony and David have extensive back-and-forth jokes about each other's appearance, with David making fun of Tony's shirt and earrings, discussing touring and YouTube demonetization.
- As he gets successful, he finds white women attractive but not 'TSA white girl' types; wants Taylor Swift level whiteness.
- Hard to discipline white women because they turn red when grabbed by neck; can't even poke her forehead without her turning purple.
- Extended roasting between David and Tony about appearance, with Michael Lehrer delivering a counter-punch joke about David's haircut looking like Forrest Gump after a horse accident.
- Discussion about YouTube demonetizing the podcast because David says the n-word 16 times in 8 minutes; they tried bleeping and editing.
Set: Sunny performs about his ambiguous sexuality, his father's want for a sports star, trading his father's things for drugs, and discovering his ex-girlfriend used to be 14 (herself).
Interview: Tony questions Sunny's appearance and age (29), his life in southeast Texas, unemployment and drug dealing, and his music talents, with Tony becoming increasingly frustrated.
- Father wanted NFL star so he wouldn't pay for college; Sunny started trading his father's things for drugs following his advice.
- Recently broke up with girlfriend after discovering she used to be 14 years old (herself when they met).
- Sunny struggles to answer interview questions clearly; Tony becomes visibly frustrated and criticizes his responses, telling him to stop playing sound effects.
Kiko
Set: Kiko performs about his voice change from female-sounding to male after puberty, being mistaken for a woman at drive-throughs, and his Colombian heritage during narco times.
Interview: Tony interviews Kiko about his drug-dealing background, his father's cocaine smuggling at JFK, his living situation with kids and animals, and shows his notable surgical scar.
- Voice sounds like a woman at drive-thrus, gets told he has pregnancy hormones when he looks up with his 'luxurious hair.'
- Father smuggled cocaine in his stomach through JFK airport and got caught; the narco Brazilian actor is worse than real narcos.
- Kiko shows his dramatic surgical scar from gallbladder removal and infected recovery; Tony and others react with shock and disgust.
- Kiko reveals he has a monk parrot that flew onto his kid's head during the snowpocalypse and stayed; the parrot is the alpha of the household.
Set: Alan performs about marrying a white girl to experience white privilege, his alcoholism (750ml daily), his Mexican heritage, and his wife's family's wealth.
Interview: Alan reveals he drinks 750ml of whiskey daily, reveals his wife spent the weekend at her parents' lake house while he watched Mexico play USA in soccer, and discusses a fight after pissing himself.
- Married white girl to get taste of white privilege; now realizes it's not fun and his wife hates him, partly because he's an alcoholic.
- Watches Mexico vs USA soccer game while making fajitas; wife doesn't come home when promised from her parents' house.
- Alan downs a shot of Doers whiskey during the interview, becoming more agitated afterward.
- Alan reveals he pissed himself while drunk and fighting with his wife about her staying at her parents' house.
- Alan mentions he's been free from cocaine for 5 years, and someone brings him a Modelo beer as a callback.
Set: Jonah performs her first-ever stand-up set about being single with cats, masturbation, and how her cats know to ask for breakfast only after she's finished with her vibrator.
Interview: Tony grills Jonah about her first time on stage, her beeswax candle business (6 years), being stung by killer bees, and her vegan friend she recently had sex with.
- 31, single, has three cats; her cats are trained to only ask for breakfast after she's done using her vibrator in the morning.
- Tony repeatedly roasts Jonah for her appearance, comparing her to Nikki Glazer but calling her 'Nikki Glazed Donuts' and threatening to call her Amy Schumer.
- Jonah reveals she was molested as a child by someone who called her a 'slut,' making Tony's use of that word particularly insensitive.
- When asked if she should have sex with Michael Lehrer, the audience boos loudly; Tony jokes about Michael's girlfriend being present.
Set: William performs his regular minute about inserting Mickey Mouse into famous movies (Mary Poppins divorce storyline) and makes political jokes about forced vaccination and discrimination.
Interview: Tony asks about William's performance; William admits he got high before the set, wrote jokes on a paper plate, and is selling the paper plate for $200.
- Mickey Mouse dressed as British nanny (Mary Poppins) to get closer to kids after divorcing Minnie, then Minnie found out.
- Biden forcing vaccination; Asians/whites get vaccinated double the rate of Hispanics/Blacks; proposes putting unvaccinated in jail and on back of buses.
- William admits he smoked a one-hitter before performing and wrote his jokes on a paper plate instead of note cards.
- William claims he can't write and that someone in the bathroom wrote the jokes for him; Tony is skeptical.