Kill Tony #517 — Greg Fitzsimmons
Guests: Greg Fitzsimmons
Lineup
Set: Michael performs as 'Injured Dice Clay', Andrew Dice Clay's accident-prone brother, doing nursery rhyme jokes with dark punchlines about vaccines and blindness.
Interview: Tony and Greg riff on Michael's character, his wheelchair accessibility, his nurse girlfriend, and his construction headgear setup. They discuss his artificial intelligence adjustable bed setup.
- Three Blind Mice participated in J&J vaccine clinical trials; blindness was a side effect.
- He's on waiting list for six organs; has to use artificial intelligence to control his crostic.
- Tony asks Greg to throw something from Michael's hood; Greg pulls out a dead rat and a dice.
- Michael reveals his girlfriend has been coming to shows but never got a chair; Tony apologizes and gives her a seat.
Sid Sep
Set: Sid does observational jokes about his weight, his pediatrician, imagining Freddy Krueger at an abortion clinic, and girls wanting to have fun.
Interview: Sid reveals he just quit a 12-year country music career with his father and brother to pursue standup. He's taking vacation from his legal assistant job. He plays guitar and gets the band to accompany him on a song.
- Couldn't see his penis in the shower; his knees cry when he stands too long.
- Imagining Freddy Krueger working at an abortion clinic to stop his erections.
- Sid gets the band to play music and he sings a blues-rock song live on stage.
- Tony makes a joke comparing Sid to the character from the movie 'Up' with an orange balloon.
Set: Elijah jokes about his cauliflower ears, reusing Q-tips, and lists racist foods. He's a short, muscular UFC fighter.
Interview: Elijah is a 24-year-old MMA coach and former wrestler/fighter from 5'6". He won money at a bar punching game, discharged a firearm on Halloween, and previously appeared on the show with his father in Spokane.
- Wears cauliflower ears because girlfriend can squat more than him.
- Can reuse Q-tips like burned marshmallows; pull the top off for new Q-tip.
- Elijah does slow-motion shadow boxing on stage; Tony compares it to interpretive dance.
- Elijah reveals he discharged a firearm on Halloween after a bouncer grabbed his girlfriend's chest downtown.
- Elijah mentioned choking out his father on a previous Kill Tony episode in Spokane; his mother is dead from multiple myeloma.
Set: Jay tries to do a crowd vote between a Bitcoin joke and a Millennials joke about quantum superposition, but the premises are not fully developed.
Interview: This is Jay's second time doing standup ever. Tony is frustrated with the setup-heavy approach that wastes time. Jay is half Western European, half Mexican, and currently trying to maximize cryptocurrency yields.
- Bitcoin joke option (not delivered)
- Millennials exist in quantum superposition; ones and zeros punchline.
- Tony becomes visibly angry with Jay's format of audience voting and punchline setups.
- Jay claims the punchline to Millennials joke is about them being 'simultaneously' in sexual ways but Tony shuts him down.
Set: Christie jokes about being Ecuadorian, taking iasca, wanting a sugar daddy just for head, and DNA testing revealing she's only 11% Ecuadorian in the crotch area.
Interview: Christie gave up everything two years ago to do standup, delivery food now. She briefly dated the Coinbase co-founder for money ($500 per hangout), but he was boring and wouldn't have sex with her. She stopped partying after bombing a show.
- Only 11% Ecuadorian; it's just the crotch area where the DNA is.
- Going to Ecuador to do iasca is expensive; just give her head instead.
- Christie reveals she worked at the United Nations as a diplomat for 4 years and found it corrupt with drunk lazy people.
- Tony jokes that Greg would pay $500 to get Christie to stop talking, referencing the Coinbase guy.
Set: Hans performs about his sexual inexperience, difficulty with glasses fogging during sex, being single, and not understanding why women won't listen to him talk about the Federal Reserve.
Interview: Hans is a Kill Tony regular. Greg praises his soulmate premise. Hans previously kissed a girl on the show and puked in multiple locations. Tonight a woman named Katie (a stripper named Tara) comes on stage and makes out with Hans.
- 99% of sex career was solo; hard to orgasm while someone fogs glasses.
- Single; soulmate is a loser and needs to get out more.
- Friends say learn to talk to women; Hans counters women should learn to listen about Federal Reserve.
- Katie/Tara comes on stage, identifies as stripper with OnlyFans, and makes out with Hans in front of audience.
- Tony orchestrates escalating banter where Katie's date Jonah also comes on stage, leading to sexual innuendo about potential threesome.
Set: Gabriel jokes about being high, a homeless man asking to hit a joint, and then asking to perform oral sex on his boyfriend.
Interview: Gabriel has been on the show every other week on a schedule. He's married with a child and engages in threesomes with his wife. Recently the threesome girlfriend asked 'where is this going' after seeing the Kill Tony episode, causing relationship complications.
- Homeless man in car asks to hit joint, then asks to suck boyfriend's dick.
- Gabriel reveals the girlfriend from the threesome saw his Kill Tony appearance and asked 'where is this going', causing relationship tension.
- Greg admonishes Gabriel for telling the girlfriend about the show appearance, ruining the arrangement.
- Greg appears to initiate physical contact with Gabriel on stage to make a point about consequences.
Set: Fuzzy jokes about cleaning YouTube algorithm before dates, looking up OJ Simpson highlights, Shari Richardson weed ban, and smoking weed before racing in lane seven.
Interview: Fuzzy is Pakistani, has had wet dreams on airplanes multiple times (once on a 14-hour Pakistan to Chicago flight), masturbates on planes to deal with flying anxiety, and can twist his left arm unnaturally.
- Cleans YouTube algorithm before dates to hide competitive tag videos.
- Looked up OJ Simpson highlights before date because girl loved football and murder documentaries.
- Let Shari Richardson run and smoke joint in lane seven to make it fair.
- Fuzzy reveals he has multiple wet dreams (nocturnal emissions) and had them on a 14-hour international flight.
- Fuzzy describes detailed technique of masturbating in airplane bathrooms to manage flying anxiety, lining toilet with paper.
- Fuzzy demonstrates ability to twist his left arm in an unnatural way on stage.
Set: Matt jokes about being 38 with a male roommate (sign of life failure), cheap underwear, and going to Barton Springs hoping to see breasts but finding 'bargain bin' bodies instead.
Interview: Matt is 38, wearing a Superman tank top, works with Rebecca and does camera work for Shane Gillis specials. He's nice/cordial, goes hiking, walks his roommate's husky, and last had sex in July with a girl who looked like Laura Cox.
- Over 35 with male roommate means you made mistakes; underwear is a bungee cord.
- Barton Springs has wrong titties; not Whole Foods yoga Amazon Prime titties, but bargain bin.
- Greg compares Matt's jokes to Kryptonite and notes Superman's phone booth changing reference.
- Matt reveals he used to masturbate in his underwear as a kid and his mom would wash out the cum without telling him.
- Matt does impressions of Jewel and Shakira singing; Tony shuts down the guitar performance.
Set: Jonah does race-based observational comedy, joking that not laughing at his jokes as a white person is a hate crime, and that Tony has racist red flags.
Interview: Jonah is mixed-race (Italian and Japanese via his father's side); his great-grandfather was in an internment camp. He's an actor who was a zombie on 'Fear The Walking Dead' and does customer support work.
- White people not laughing = hate crime; everyone committed hate crime tonight.
- Tony is from Ohio so definitely racist; but has potential for second chances.
- Jonah threatens to rename the show 'Racist Tony' if Tony continues to have racist red flags.
- Jonah makes a baby crying sound impression on stage.
Set: William opens by claiming he tested positive for COVID two days ago, then performs jokes written on LSD about Minnie Mouse gaining weight.
- Minnie Mouse put on weight.
- William thanks Tony for letting him on the show despite testing positive for COVID two days ago.