Kill Tony #520 — Jimmy Shubert
Guests: Jimmy Shubert
Lineup
Set: Discusses microphone setup failures, relationship challenges, girlfriend cheating with Black men, critical race theory in schools, Broadway, Hamilton cast deaths.
Interview: Discussed ALS diagnosis, meeting Andrew Dice Clay, microphone cable tangles, fabuloso cleaner joke, Taliban summer joke. Michael frequently derailed interview with unprompted jokes.
- Everything is against him: heatwave, restraining orders, microphone cables, ALS disease.
- Girlfriend only cheating with Black men, suggesting making America great again through her choices.
- Keep Broadway open so cast of Hamilton dies from COVID.
- Michael's sound and appearance compared to Jamie Foxx/Jussie Smollett, he jokes about looking like Black celebrities.
- Andrew Dice Clay story told during set and interview, emotional memory from 1986 HBO special.
- Tony points out Michael spent interview time telling jokes instead of answering questions.
Set: Observes he looks like light-skinned celebrities (Lenny Kravitz, Prince, High School Musical actor). Jokes about Walmart selling condoms, Plan B, and rifles. Imagines French DMX.
Interview: Started comedy 2018 after failed 2017 attempts. Lived in LA then on road touring nationally. Recently returned to Austin (from Sherman, Texas). Currently unemployed with last day of benefits Sept 6. Sister went to UT.
- Looks like Lenny Kravitz, Prince, High School Musical actor, Scishow Bob.
- Walmart sells condoms, Plan B, rifles in one transaction: plan A, B, and C.
- DMX if he were French, sounds like bonjour with French food references.
- Jordan performs Michael Jackson dance moves on stage with music.
- Jordan reveals girlfriend is spiritual wellness teacher, does tarot and meditation, encouraged him to focus on comedy.
- Jordan discloses exact duration of sexual stamina: 44 minutes and 24 seconds.
Set: First time performing. Wife is trans and transpender (changes spending based on feelings). Wife has pronouns 'nasdaq and gdp', works at library teaching financial responsibility.
Interview: Age 48, first time stand-up. Does government contract work he cannot discuss. Was in hip-hop group in school. Flies single-engine aircraft (pre-solo stage). Married to 24-year-old Thai woman for 4 years, met at bakery.
- Wife is transpender, changes spending according to her truth, has NASDAQ and GDP pronouns.
- Tony mocks David for looking like Red Band, calls him 'sporty Harvey Weinstein'.
- David attempts rap battle to beat, performs poorly, Jimmy heckles from panel.
- Reveals married Thai woman age 20 when met 4 years ago, wife now 24, David 48. Discussion becomes uncomfortable about age gap.
Dakota Henze
Set: Prison jokes about dropping soap misconception; rapists are go-getters who rape regardless. One new minute of dark, absurdist humor about prison rape.
Interview: Did acid two days ago, got tooth pain from grinding without mouthguard. Has girlfriend from San Antonio (second visit to show). Made out with audience members multiple times during show. Discussed Planet Earth reference as euphemism.
- Drop the soap prison myth wrong; real issue is bending over, rapists are go-getters.
- Hans creates call-to-action for audience members to make out with him, multiple women come on stage.
- Hans's date watches him kiss multiple other women, Tony jokes about him remembering their faces later.
- Multiple audience members kiss Hans, creating chaotic on-stage kissing sequence.
Set: Says he's racist for not wanting fried catfish breakfast. Had $200/day heroin habit four years. Comments on drug dealer quality: white dealers say payment later, good dealers demand upfront.
Interview: Age 38, heroin addict for 4 years, featured comedian all week. Got DUI on heroin, fell asleep hitting guardrail. Started comedy at 30 in Maine, took 4-year break for drugs. Recently quit heroin cold turkey after 3-day detox. Girlfriend moved to Maine during pandemic. Works at Creek and Roma Room comedy clubs.
- Friends call him racist for not supporting minority-owned fried catfish breakfast.
- White drug dealers say pay later, good dealers demand upfront to prevent overdose.
- Craig admits to 4-year heroin addiction, says he quit cold turkey after 3-day detox.
- Tony jokes about having heroin to offer on show, implies casual access to drugs.
Set: Jokes about looking down checking pants zipper, mentions moving to Austin, COVID testing, eighth-grade negative test innuendo, catfishing vice principal.
Interview: One month comedy, lived in LA briefly post-college before moving to Austin 8 years ago. Works in construction for brother's company. Addresses construction work vaguely. Tony frustrated with evasive answers.
- Prayed harder for negative test in eighth grade than now for COVID.
- Tony repeatedly frustrated with Jeanne's vague answers about construction work.
- Tony cuts interview short, ends with criticism about her future being single.
Set: Never met another Winston, explains not named after Churchill but after Winston cigarettes his mother smoked pregnant. Brother Newport with middle name 100s. Turned 22 today.
Interview: Age 22 (birthday day of show), 16 months comedy, sold cell phones on commission, moved to Austin 5 days ago from Memphis. Went to same school as William Montgomery (who graduated), Winston got kicked out for skipping study hall for Chick-fil-A.
- Named after Winston cigarettes, not Churchill; brother Newport with 100s middle name.
- Winston reveals it's his 22nd birthday, performing on Kill Tony same day.
- Tony suggests Winston was kicked out for being lazy/unmotivated.
- Show shadow boxing after boxing discussion, Tony jokes about losing to the shadow.
Set: Dedicates set to grandfather who 'died', reveals grandfather actually deported to Mexico running cartel. Does 44 seconds of joke content about hometown Laguna Heights.
Interview: Grandfather died couple years ago (contradicted earlier), hung himself. Works at axe-throwing place in south Austin. Started comedy 2 years ago, took 1-year break, first day back.
- People from Laguna Heights either use drugs, sell drugs, or do both.
- Opens set with solemn dedication to dead grandfather, revealed as lie/joke, grandfather deported.
- Tony becomes frustrated with Charlie's dishonesty and evasive answers during interview.
Tyler Braun
Set: Disabled amber alerts, jokes about recruiting at-risk youth, made inappropriate comments about children to students getting him fired from virtual teaching. Offers sexual favors for money.
Interview: Age 31, started comedy 2 months ago, moved to Austin from Hawaii for comedy scene/Joe Rogan. Math teacher fired for saying dirty things about kids. Previously sold drugs, taught scuba in Thailand, broke up with Florida girlfriend to stay in Thailand.
- New cell phone lets him disable amber alerts; has enough to start fight club.
- Math teacher at recruiting centers for at-risk youth; fired for cursing about kids.
- Tyler asks Joe Rogan about mechanical elves on DMT, displays fandom.
- Tyler solves Rubik's cube as special skill, completes in about one minute.
Set: Long-form set about mask wearing, condom analogy for masks, coffee orders, protein scrambles, chicken omelets as vendetta, celery as dangerous/negative calories, Peter North porn star celery diet.
- Mask over nose like condom over balls; coffee culture triple-pass latte orders ridiculous.
- Protein scramble with chicken is double-chicken vendetta, like hamburger dipped in milk.
- Celery is dangerous negative-calorie food; porn star Peter North eats celery for volume.
- Tony introduces Jimmy as Comedy Store royalty, longtime Kill Tony guest since inception.
Set: Has mono not COVID. Wagon-running joke about Red Band's great grandmother. Taliban vs Democratic Party joke. Hunter Biden widow joke.
Interview: Has mono. Red Band jokes about great grandmother. New eyebrows discussed. Wears new Walmart stolen shirt, greased-back hair, glitter on face. Ate 1.5 loaves raisin bread this week. Reports seeing shadow people/ghosts in apartment.
- Drinking with twins lets you drink twice as much, same absorption.
- Red Band's great grandmother before trains, wagons ran on her.
- Taliban vs Democratic Party; Hunter Biden should beg dead brother's widow.
- William has new eyebrows, glitter on face, greased-back hard-as-rock hair with spray.
- William reports eating 1.5 loaves of raisin bread this week, throws away half loaves, retrieves from trash.
- William claims apartment is haunted, sees shadow people in peripherals, roommate won't pay rent.