Kill Tony #621 — Don Barris
Guests: Don Barris
Lineup
Set: Jokes about partying with white dudes, feeding homeless people vegan tacos which turned illegal, and being mistaken for homeless himself when police arrived.
Interview: Discussed his job at Bucky's, his girlfriend who is 6'2", getting bitten by a rattlesnake, and paying $1800 for anti-venom for his pit bull.
- White dudes with green hair have good weed and party hard
- Homeless people don't care about vegan food, just want money for sex
- Claimed to be homeless to police to avoid arrest for prostitution
- Enrique broke/knocked over an alien sculpture in the green room during pre-show
- Discussed being bitten by rattlesnake and the $1800 vet bill
Set: Jokes about his nickname C.B.A.S. standing for 'Can't Buy Anything Expensive,' being poor at movies, and his wife being a wedding planner.
Interview: Discussed being Cuban-Chilean, doing stand-up for 6 years, starting in Miami, moving to Austin 1.5 years ago, working as a server/bartender, and his wife's wedding planning business.
- Can't afford vowels, needs coupons and gift cards just to go to movies
- Girls with small clutches should stay home; need beach bags for partying
- He and girlfriend got drunk watching Despicable Me with cheap wine
- Tony pointed out his ring is too loose and questioned whose it is
- Tony got Cbas to do a quick joke during the interview
Set: Dark comedy about his Catholic school principal being a pedophile, racism saving him, and white privilege being beneficial in his case.
Interview: Discussed 4 years of stand-up, moving from Dallas to San Francisco in March 2020 right before pandemic shutdown, wife's Apple promotion, experiencing depression during lockdown, now hosting at The Improv.
- Catholic school principal was pedophile and racist, but racism saved him
- Wife should be at home where she belongs after paying high SF rent
- Moved to San Francisco March 13, 2020, the exact day before pandemic lockdown
- Wife forced the move for Apple promotion despite Tony's advice about taxes
Set: One-liners about getting a racist haircut, being homophobic after being held at gunpoint, surviving homeschool shooting (parent shooting), and drunk driving arrest.
Interview: Discussed previous appearance 5-6 weeks ago, living alone with a cat, peeing in his sink instead of toilet, working remotely for biotech lab, about to be laid off.
- Barber asked on scale of 1-10 how racist he wanted to look, said 7
- Homeschooled and mom shot his dad when he was 5, calls it relieving
- Arrested for drunk driving; the technicality was that he was actually drunk
- Someone made a burping/belching noise during his set, he denied it was him
- Revealed he pees in his sink because it's closer than the toilet
Set: Comedy about envying lesbians who can choose partners, his small penis, and comparing adding a friend with a bigger penis to his girlfriend calling tech support.
Interview: First-time regular, performed on Last Week Tonight, absolute standout performer, only 2 years experience but shows incredible laugh density per minute.
- Envies lesbians because they get to choose their partner's penis size
- If girlfriend says go deeper, he calls his friend Daquan who has bigger dick
- Don Barris revealed his own famous genitalia and compared to Pringles can
- Tony called him one of the great future stars, set of the night so far
Set: First-time comedian from Fort Worth with new bipolar diagnosis, jokes about Airbnb immersive experience gone wrong, loosely structured set with forgotten notes.
Interview: Got diagnosed bipolar 2 weeks ago after hospitalization, just started meds, works as audio engineer, plays drums since age 5, participated in Mexican drum-off challenge against Michael Gonzalez.
- Airbnb immersive experience had bad reviews saying don't bring family
- First-time performer, just hospitalized for suicidal ideation 2 weeks prior
- Participated in Mexican drum-off challenge against Michael Gonzalez, lost decisively
Set: Comedy about BDSM toys being main consumer product for white people (cultural appropriation of slavery), marrying Mexican woman with surprise step-kid, and joking about being 'one of the good ones.'
Interview: 6 years stand-up in El Paso, took 2 years off, back 1 year in Austin, went to college with wife studying theater, has one stepdaughter, works as chef, recently learned correct anatomy.
- BDSM sex toy consumers being white people is cultural appropriation of slavery
- Marrying Mexican woman meant getting instant step-kid with two jobs
- Dead squirrel vagina tastes nutty, suggesting he had necrophilia experience
- Don Barris told story about Nick hitting squirrel with car and strange aftermath
- Nick performed brief theatrical scene at request, demonstrated acting ability
Set: Comedy about dating a guy who keeps glasses on during sex, going on date with BDSM-loving doctor, having master's degree in environmental engineering, and not reading red flags.
Interview: 5 years stand-up in LA, in Austin for a week doing 11 shows, electrical engineer for 8 years, dating Lithuanian 6'3" guy who works in cancer research, met at diner, watched The Last of Us, from Compton.
- Guy keeps glasses on during sex so he can see; she took hers off to hide
- Doctor into BDSM like having immigrant parents, can read code but not red flags
- She's a twin but made the other disappear when born, she's a murderer
- Karina spit in Don Barris's mouth during interview after crowd chanting
- Don tasted semen in his mouth from previous action, discussed openly
- She went to same high school as Kendrick Lamar in Compton
Set: Jokes about smoking pot to stay Asian (otherwise Mexican), being raised by Viet Cong, texting while driving on dates to test vulnerability, and committing manslaughter in a Volkswagen.
Interview: Third time on show, all in Austin, comedian with martial arts background, has home comedy club in living room in Pflugerville, wrote and performed original rap song about his city.
- Smokes pot to stay Asian, otherwise would be Mexican like Hans
- Raised by Viet Cong, tests girlfriend vulnerability by admitting texting while driving
- Committed manslaughter in Volkswagen; if girlfriend okay with it, straight to anal sex
- Performed original rap song about Pflugerville with band accompaniment
- Discussed his home comedy club business in his living room with neighbors
Set: Topical jokes about finding cocaine at White House, Juneteenth for white people as invasion metaphor, trans athletes in women's sports and drag for children humiliating women.
Interview: Drove late from Newark airport due to flight delays and cancellations, Tony caught him lying about severity using location tracking and weather checks, arrived just in time after initial cancellation threat.
- Found powdery white substance at White House, at least it was powdery this time
- Calls Juneteenth 'Juneteenth for white people,' then jokes about invasions
- Trans people educate children and humiliate women in sports, need dressing down
- Initially claimed he couldn't make it due to airport delays; Tony caught him lying
- Arrived at last minute and delivered set of the night caliber performance
- Mentioned slightly peeing on girlfriend after sex, wet dribble when cuddling
Set: Jokes about White House cocaine, Juneteenth as white invasion day, Pete Davidson rehab, celebrity dating history, doubting moon landing, Knots Landing reference, and father giving him shovel at age 5.
Interview: Going to Hawaii with Tony this weekend, won't vaccinate dog due to conspiracy beliefs that vaccines make dogs gay, can't find kennel, plays synthesizer weekly on show, dating someone's daughter, one of best sets ever.
- Pete Davidson rehab for PTSD from dating Ariana Grande and Kardashians
- Father gave him shovel at age 5 after telling him about death
- Questions moon landing credibility, also questions Knots Landing TV show
- Spit in mouth incident earlier now discussed as connected chain of events
- Won't vaccinate dog due to gay conspiracy, genuinely concerned about kennel options
- Playing synthesizer song weekly as promised; doubling down on controversial musical choice