Kill Tony #693 — Jeff Dye, Rick Glassman
Guests: Jeff Dye · Rick Glassman
Lineup
Set: Discusses OnlyFans monetization for women, friend dating an OnlyFans girl, and domestic life priorities. Uses joke structure about treating women like a business.
Interview: Tony asks about immigration concerns given Ari's Estonian background. Discussion of OnlyFans subscription costs and Twinkies reference.
- Homeless woman on Sixth Street could make money on OnlyFans instead
- Friend quit OnlyFans for crypto boyfriend, living poorly in small apartment
- As father would put whole family online for financial needs
Set: Hardware store encounter with trans employee who responds to gendered parts question with crude joke about personal situation. Strong callback material with confident delivery.
Interview: Third time on show, started comedy months ago, hauls horses for living. Discussion of belt buckle gift to Tony and border security comments.
- Trans employee says their dick is in jar when asked about male/female parts
- Carlos revealed he made Tony a belt buckle that Tony wore on Brady roast
- Carlos expresses happiness about immigration enforcement as border resident
Set: Story about friend asking what gay thing he's done, leads to ChapStick joke about masculinity and vulnerability. Self-deprecating humor about lacking assertiveness.
Interview: Former child actor on Spy Next Door Netflix, moved to New Mexico during housing crisis, now welding and pipe fitting. Joining fire academy, lives in Oklahoma with med school girlfriend.
- Can't put on ChapStick assertively, tells mechanic story about transmission costs
- Maverick mentioned making leather goods, Rick recalls Carlos's belt buckle gift
- Jeff D coaches Maverick on bedroom performance after 'try his hardest' answer
Set: New Netflix special 'The Dark Queen' debut at midnight. Topics include breast cancer, Middle East politics, Palestine/Israel conflict, and dating Hispanic men. Controversial material about genocide and racial tensions.
- Every minute woman dies from breast cancer, bathroom lines still long
- Proposes exchange program sending Puerto Ricans to Israel, Jews to Bronx
- Dating history exclusively Hispanic men looks like starting baseball league
- Netflix special 'The Dark Queen' premieres at midnight same night
Set: Jokes about autism and ADHD diagnosis, comparing random behavior to training day musical remake. References cancellations and belief lyrics causing singing outbursts.
Interview: 41 years old, been doing standup one year in Austin. Photographer/videographer by trade. Estranged from Boomer parents. Has connective tissue condition (Ehlers-Danlos). Married almost a decade.
- Autism ADHD like random singing breaks in training day remake
- Autism doesn't track cancellations, sings any lyric including cancelled artists
- Rock demonstrates extreme flexibility from Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, bends fingers back
- Rick Glassman's famous line 'it's not your fault' delivered to Rock about parent beatings
- Rock performs guitar solo but gets stopped mid-performance by Tony
Set: Ex calls about new girlfriend, jokes about dick getting hard at wedding bombing scenario. Discusses toxic personality. References Akron, LeBron James, and therapy practice.
Interview: Regular performer at Kill Tony. Recently went to Akron which was terrible. Has therapist credentials, helps audience members with life advice.
- Ex threatens to bomb wedding with bomb strapped to chest, dick gets hard
- LeBron James only fourth greatest player, not second like previously thought
- Tony and panel argue about basketball rankings with Cam, multiple interruptions
- Rick Glassman reveals he played basketball with Cam, they debate betting on rematch
Set: Explains Syrian name meaning 'Sunday' in Spanish, boxing team taught him. Makes Mexican jokes, World War II Japanese pilot jokes. Girlfriend called him terrorist in argument, finds it funny despite being racist.
Interview: Been on show four times from California/San Diego. Fights 7-1 record, retired due to brain damage. Former military. Deaf until age 3 after ear surgery. Father absent, parents were related (inbred joke).
- Name means Sunday in Spanish, boxing friends say it wrong
- Mexican jokes always work unlike black and Arab jokes which bomb
- Girlfriend calls him terrorist during argument, finds it funny and racist
- Rick Glassman brings out Ben's actual father on stage as surprise guest
- Father delivers Rick's signature line 'it's not your fault' to Ben
Set: Military service in Iraq 2009, jokes about Taliban, magic carpet shop sting. Sexual acts with goat, Tom Brady reference with football penalty about deflated balls.
Interview: Former episode in old Austin venue. Four years doing comedy. Mail carrier and Marine veteran, worked on F-18 avionics. One Iraq tour. Enjoys smoking/cooking brisket and ribs.
- Taliban in Iraq, magic carpet shop owner offers rug, implies bestiality
- Tom Brady and deflated balls joke using NFL penalty metaphor
Set: Jokes about hand jobs and protein shakes, watches incest porn for romantic reasons. Dating red flags metaphor: dyslexia as 'knowing German,' anger issues as 'drywall protection.'
Interview: 22 years old, working on Kill Tony production team, two years standup. Moroccan African heritage, didn't wear t-shirts until 19. Reads poetry, makes bread, used to breed Dobermans.
- Bad at hand jobs because protein shakes clumpy, watches incest porn romantically
- Misses red flags: dyslexia as 'German knowledge,' anger as 'drywall protection'
- Tony awards Aya golden ticket as newest breakout talent
Set: Diddy's 1,000 bottles of baby oil and GHB scandal, assassination jokes about Biden and drone strikes. References to Diddy parties and exotic cheese. Baby oil consumption and transportation jokes.
Interview: Hall of Famer returning after long tour with multiple kids. Discussion of Trump election, Only Fans merchandise, basketball rankings. Extensive roasting of Rick Glassman and Jeff Dye.
- Diddy had 1000 bottles baby oil with GHB, Biden might drone strike
- Would buy baby oil by six-pack like cherry flavor black people call red
- Extended roasting of Rick Glassman about appearance and personality
- David roasts Jeff Dye about One Direction reference and appearance
Mio Love
Set: Recently separated, right breast 'cockeye' like Biggie Smalls, gets waxed by esthetician. Esthetician yanks strip aggressively causing pain and kicking. Ends with asymmetrical grooming (one bushy, one smooth).
Interview: Four years standup from Kerrville Texas (garbage island), Puerto Rican origin. Six-year Army veteran, logistics specialist. Retired, full-time mom to two daughters. Oldest autistic, now verbal and starting regular school.
- Right breast asymmetrical like Biggie Smalls after cosmetic issues
- Waxing appointment disaster, esthetician rips strip, causes blindness and kicking
- Ends with yin-yang pubic grooming after waxing trauma
Set: Moved to Austin, discovered dating app 'Chispa' for Latinos. Joked about hypothetical 'Cracker' app for white people. Created ginger dating app with five users, two matches potentially related.
Interview: Four first names from grandfathers Joseph and Peter. From Portland Oregon, worked finance at country club, FedEx driver two weeks. Has $12,500 savings, German Shepherd dog. British citizen through mother. Has two-year-old daughter in Oregon he's never met.
- Dating app 'Chispa' for Latinos exists, joked about 'Cracker' app
- Created ginger dating app, five users, two matches possibly related
- Red Band brings out fake redheaded stripper as 'David's daughter'
- David reveals he's never met his actual two-year-old daughter in Oregon