Kill Tony #723 — David Lucas, Cristina Mariani
Guests: David Lucas · Cristina Mariani
Lineup
Set: Enrique discusses his girlfriend freezing eggs, Spanish accents in Texas, and his rural property with 17 animals including goats, ducks, chickens, and squirrels.
Interview: Enrique talks about his living situation, caring for multiple animals, and his obsession with a pregnant squirrel outside his window.
- Girlfriend froze eggs for $14k; egg prices are high.
- Spanish in Texas sounds like British battle rap vs weed whacker.
- Enrique sweats profusely throughout interview; David and Tony comment on excessive sweating.
Set: Rachel discusses being adopted by white parents, cross country running, mowing lawns, spanking with fraternity paddles, Disney World visits, and family dynamics with two kids.
Interview: Rachel reveals she's 9 years sober from heroin/pain pills, has two teenage sons, is dating a 16-year-younger roofer, and works as a paralegal.
- Adopted by white Mexican parents; cross country for running away.
- Dad spanked with fraternity paddle; can't orgasm without hazing.
- Family obsessed with Disney; now have transgender whale named Maybe Dick.
- Tony mercilessly roasts Rachel about her son's girlfriend (Chelsea), calling her a hooker on air.
- Extended discussion about her son dating a very young girl on birth control leads to crude sexual humor.
Set: Nolan discusses religious dogma, addiction, and blaming siblings for suspicious behavior when high. This is his third week of stand-up.
Interview: Nolan reveals he survived testicular cancer two years ago, lost one testicle, was given six months to live, and is now in remission.
- Into persistent dogma; really just saying I'm religious.
- Blame siblings when acting suspicious on drugs.
- Nolan reveals testicular cancer diagnosis; David and Tony make extensive jokes about ball size and cancer.
- David Lucas aggressively roasts Nolan's appearance, calling him 'red rum energy' and asking if he started a cult.
- Tony coaches Nolan on stage presence, telling him to look people in the eyes and project.
Set: Rudy discusses becoming a father, transitioning from raging alcoholic to just alcoholic, and jokes about Indians and Arabs and their religious head markings.
Interview: Rudy reveals he's Salvadoran, from Dallas, works in landscaping, just had a baby 6 months ago, and is friends with David Lucas who sold him coke.
- Didn't say raising baby; appreciates applause for having one.
- Indians and Arabs have religious marks but Arabs don't know until dead.
- David reveals Rudy was drinking shots when his baby was being born and had to get drunk to hold him.
- David and Rudy tell conflicting stories about a Mercedes crash; David claims Rudy hit a woman named Destiny.
Set: Aaron discusses dating black women, transitioning to fat white girls (earning nickname 'Fupa Bazooka'), and his mother Googling if 300 months is too late for abortion.
Interview: Aaron admits he prefers larger women due to jiggling/motion, has hooked up with women 350+ pounds, and works as a valet at Fogo De Chao.
- Once you go black, stressed trying to go back to normal.
- Earned nickname Fupa Bazooka from sleeping with fat white girls.
- Mother Googled if 300 months too late for abortion.
- Tony and panel extensively interrogate Aaron about hooking up with very large women; he describes everything as feeling like a tit.
- Discussion turns explicit about sexual positions with 350+ lb women and difficulty managing weight.
Set: Colin discusses therapy/court order regarding guns, attempting to date a black woman and misunderstanding the G-spot, and getting a vasectomy consultation.
Interview: Colin reveals his parents suggested vasectomy, he's shy despite golden ticket, doesn't hook up with strangers, wears condoms, and is currently dating someone.
- On Hinge; not only in therapy but court-ordered; can't own guns.
- Black girlfriend asked about G-spot; thought gangsters hanging out.
- Red Band suggests Colin should date Christina Mariani; Christina reveals she only dates black guys.
- Tony extensively coaches Colin about avoiding vasectomy if he's not having sex.
Tre Pack
Set: Tre discusses wife asking him to cum on C-section scar, wife choking him in bed by unplugging CPAP machine, and not being Jelly Roll.
Interview: Tre is a barber, does roast battles, tried cocaine once a week but quit, cuts hair for locals including Michael Gonzalez, and picked up shift at Vulcan.
- Wife told him to cum on her C-section scar.
- Wife chokes him by unplugging CPAP machine while sleeping.
- Tre admits to cocaine use; David calls him out on mixing cocaine with powdered sugar daily.
- Tony invites Tre to secret show; enthusiastic acceptance.
Set: Alex discusses English degree being useless, girlfriend 20 years older (former math professor), C-section scar joke, student loan debt, and living with mom.
Interview: Alex has been doing stand-up 6 months seriously, from Boston, girlfriend is Jenny Fitz (more successful comedian), currently visiting Austin.
- English degree from state school; makes more money from comedy.
- Girlfriend 20 years older; math professor; her pussy roped off like museum exhibit.
- 30, live with mom, one argument from homeless, one stroke from homeowner.
- Tony brings up girlfriend Jenny Fitz and suggests she's funnier; has her do her set.
Set: Jenny discusses open mics like middle-aged sex, divorce, dating 20-year-younger guy (Alex), birth control when post-menopausal, Gen X parenting, and accidentally racist kids.
Interview: Jenny is 50, math professor, has three sons (16, 12, 12 twins), was in sexless 20-year marriage, pursued former student Alex, and has tenure.
- Open mics like middle-aged sex: 3-6 minutes, new stuff if full time.
- Boyfriend thought I still had period; post-menopausal birth control flattering.
- Uber Eats figured out custody schedule from takeout orders.
- Tony extensively interviews Jenny about pursuing student; she admits texting him after course ended, visiting his apartment, seduction.
- David jokes about ex-husband being variable needing whole number; comments on town manager position.
- David threatens to send clip to ex-husband; predicts he'll be pissed enough to harm himself.
Tatum Raley
Set: Tatum discusses marriage problems after catching husband wiping ass standing up, resulting in bathroom 'keister kibble' and extended poop-related jokes about the situation.
Interview: Tatum is 25, married drunk on Tinder 14 days prior, has 5-year-old daughter, married husband who's welding inspector, doesn't drink anymore.
- Husband wipes ass standing up; creates 'keister kibble' everywhere.
- Form of standing ass-wipe passed down through generations of fecal flickers.
- Toilet at 3AM feels like beach; someone left sand everywhere.
- David asks Tatum to demonstrate husband's standing wipe; she backs out like penguin from Madagascar.
- Extended discussion about standing vs sitting wipe; David claims bidet, Tony gives masturbation health advice.
Set: Cameron discusses girlfriend asking if he'd be upset about hypothetical daughter on OnlyFans; he prefers son having OnlyFans to daughter because he's been giving away his penis for free.
Interview: Cameron moved from Orlando 2.5 years ago with Cam Patterson, graduated with data analytics degree, dated Asian girl, has girlfriend in England 6 months.
- Girlfriend upset he'd be opposed to daughter OnlyFans; he's progressive.
- Fine with son on OnlyFans; been trying to give penis away free whole life.
- Tony references Cameron losing testicle; extends metaphor about being backup quarterback.
- David aggressively roasts Cameron's imaginary girlfriend in England; suggests she's cheating.
- David directly threatens to have sex with Cameron's girlfriend.
- Tony tries to get Cameron to dance; he refuses and leaves angry.
Set: Timmy does Dice Clay impression with punchline format; nut store $100 bill, doctor with cancer diagnosis $100, absurdist humor with repetitive structure.
Interview: Timmy is 24 (corrects multiple times), from Jersey, did 2 months stand-up, worked for fishing father, did 2 months jail for coke, sells weed now.
- At nut store; cashier says $100; Timmy questions cost.
- Doctor says cancer, costs $100; Timmy approves deal.
- Timmy does heavy Andrew Dice Clay impression; Tony comments on it sounding like Dice.
- David roasts Timmy as gay; very aggressive; Timmy defends mother.
- Timmy's mother died two months ago; she was cremated in a kiln.
- Tony gives Timmy straight A grade for set and interview; Timmy immediately gives A to audience member.
Interview: David is Kill Tony Hall of Famer, best friend and arch nemesis of Tony, appears extensively on panel making roasts of all performers.
- David reveals Rudy was drinking when baby was born, had to get drunk to hold infant.
- David threatens to have sex with Cameron's girlfriend in England.
- David aggressively roasts Nolan's appearance, cult potential, and appearance.
Interview: Cristina is first-time panel guest, famous for Black guy crossing street joke, known for being nervously quiet, only dates black guys.
- Cristina reveals she only dates black guys in response to Red Band's suggestion she date Colin.