Kill Tony #513 — William Montgomery
Guests: William Montgomery
Lineup
Set: Hans discusses having small eyes but a long face, jokes about Asian men and dick size, and describes himself as sapiosexual looking for intellectually stimulated women.
Interview: Discussed his dick size (5.5 inches), his white ex-girlfriends who were comedians, recent homelessness after a van accident, staying with Riley Gilmore, and his sexual encounters with Black women.
- Even if Asian men had small dicks, they wouldn't give up—they'd learn to use it like a sewing machine.
- Sapiosexual means looking for girlfriend intellectually stimulated by challenge of finding him attractive.
- Tony and William probe Hans about his dick size and sexual history extensively during interview.
- Hans reveals he's homeless and living in Riley Gilmore's room due to van accident.
Set: Jesse jokes about his hairstyle making him look like a drug dealer, discusses not being racist while having white female friends, addresses toxic masculinity with his dad's crude response.
Interview: Discussed his move from Worcester, Massachusetts 2-3 months ago, living situation with two other comics with a pool, factory job cleaning parts, and his sexual encounters in Austin including losing his two-year sobriety.
- Asking barber to make him look like he sells bad weed but has good coke.
- When dad asked what toxic masculinity is, he said 'shut the fuck up.'
- Jesse reveals he had sex twice on first date, attempted third time with hungover erectile dysfunction.
- Extended discussion about visiting strip clubs, Red Rose lap dances, and vaping at the club.
Set: Ben jokes about people bragging about bad handwriting and wonders if other languages have this same problem, making fun of how Chinese writing always looks like museum art.
Interview: Ben was on the previous week, got laid since last appearance, discussed nervously looking Ron White in the eye, has some voice/accent talents but uncomfortable showing them.
- People brag about bad handwriting like it's no big deal, despite it being foundation of communication.
- Wondering if Chinese people have people who suck at writing symbols in Shanghai.
- Tony and panel get frustrated with Ben's reluctance to demonstrate voice impressions after he brings them up.
- Ben mentions he played pool in Phoenix for years, audience reaction suggests they want interview to end.
Set: Christian discusses moving to Austin with his best friend and his boyfriend, Austin's political nature, COVID school bells replaced by cannons like Hunger Games, and why hockey is great because you're still ice skating even if you lose.
Interview: Christian moved from Lumberton, Texas (near Louisiana/Beaumont), has a twin brother who looks nothing like him, just started stand-up a month ago, plays soccer and basketball, and does animation/popping dance.
- School replaced bells with cannons that announce how many kids died like Hunger Games.
- Hockey is best sport because even losing you're still ice skating and happy.
- Tony forces Christian to demonstrate his animation/popping dance on stage with dubstep playing, very awkward white dancing.
- Red Band causes audio issues when he stands up during Christian's dance performance.
Ben Horn
Set: Ben argues that anal sex with women isn't gay, but refusing it is. He discusses the logic that if you won't fuck a girl in the ass, you would fuck a guy, making you gay.
Interview: Ben has been doing stand-up for 2 years all in Texas, works at HEB grocery store, had a terrible date with a psychic medium girl who claimed touching her leg was sexual assault, met her on Hinge/Bumble.
- Only thing gayer than fucking a girl in the ass is NOT fucking a girl in the ass.
- Ben tells extended story about terrible date with psychic medium girl who claimed touching her leg was sexual assault.
- Ben admits the girl was very attractive and shows phone picture to panel for evaluation.
- Red Band makes cocaine jokes about Ben's frequent bathroom visits during interview.
Set: Sam discusses bestiality being legal in Canada 2016-2019 with specific rules, describes himself as the defending West Coast of Canada roast battle champion wearing a belt.
Interview: Sam is a five-time West Coast Canada roast battle champion, performs illegally in Canada under strict speech laws, does private shows and bachelor parties, has never met William Montgomery before.
- Bestiality legal in Canada 2016-2019 but with rules: no penetration, only peanut butter and seeing-eye dogs.
- Sam and William Montgomery engage in roast battle exchange, Sam roasts William about not taking care of himself.
- William roasts Sam back: 'You look like a painter that just got laid off.'
- Sam reveals he was detained over an hour at US customs coming from Canada.
Set: Leonarda discusses COVID lockdown in New York, confronts unmasked woman who gets aggressive, shoots her, and kidnaps her baby to raise as his own with boyfriend, describing himself as a cold-blooded assassin.
Interview: Leonarda recently moved from New York to Austin, getting booked a lot, met the band and David Lucas, trying to move out of Pflugerville, has a Black boyfriend who is a photographer.
- Woman confronts him about mask, he shoots her and raises her baby as his own with boyfriend.
- Leonarda mentions performing for rich liberals who refused to laugh after he pointed out Black girl in audience.
- William makes callback to his Quentin Tarantino role-play about Leonarda's relationship.
Set: Riley discusses seeing a camel and looking at its toe, jokes about camel toe being disgusting, mentions fighting someone in a wheelchair who claimed to be armed, discusses astrology being discriminatory.
Interview: Riley has been on show before, discussed intimacy issues where he can't come during sex and needs to jerk off separately, Hans Kim's roommate, has stayed at Hans's house.
- Camel toe not attractive despite people saying it is, it's disgusting and covered in shit.
- Fought guy in wheelchair, he said he was armed and I said I'm lagged.
- Riley reveals Hans Kim makes giant ribs every day and is sensitive about the smell.
- Tony and panel learn Hans Kim sleeps on thin mattress on floor with GPS holder above his bed.
Set: Gabriel jokes about looking like Jason Momoa's before picture, discusses racial slur controversy where comedian was called racist while Asian comic was assumed shorter, makes punch-down jokes about Tony's height and Brad Williams' disability.
Interview: Gabriel has been doing stand-up for 1.5 years starting in San Jose California, moved to Austin 2 months ago, is a stay-at-home dad with two kids (ages 4 and 1), wife works at Google as engineer.
- You might recognize me as Jason Momoa's before picture.
- Racial slur controversy was weird double standard while assuming Asian comic shorter than Tony.
- Gabriel reveals he and his wife have a Venezuelan girlfriend in a threesome arrangement for about a month.
- Venezuelan girlfriend is revealed to be in the audience; Red Band gets very intoxicated during extended sexual discussion.
- Yoni brings tape measure on stage to measure Gabriel's height; Gabriel claims 6'4" but measures shorter.
Audrey Scott
Set: Audrey discusses having diarrhea/gonorrhea, learning what diddling meant after thinking it was innocent, friend's molestation revelation, threatens baby on billboard, makes DUI/drinking and driving jokes.
Interview: Audrey has been doing stand-up for almost 2 years, is unemployed and just moved to Austin from Roanoke, Virginia 3 days ago, ran a comedy mic in Roanoke for over a year, lived on a farm.
- Had diarrhea for 3 weeks, now it's gonorrhea, so a medical upgrade.
- Saw baby billboard that said 'I could kick' - interpreted as threat to beat up baby.
- Audrey vague about who died in her life, suggests it might not be family member or might be robbery victim.