Kill Tony #643 — William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim
Guests: William Montgomery · Kam Patterson · Hans Kim
Lineup
Set: Tony makes jokes about Fast and Furious merging with Marvel, uses butt plug humor, and ends with a joke telling the audience to go fuck themselves. He was on the show last week.
Interview: Tony admits he has no job and does comedy. Tony coaches him on physical comedy—jumping, squatting, Mario-themed movements. Discussion reveals Tony has pooped himself multiple times and enjoys Taco Bell.
- Fast and Furious/Marvel merge with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker cast changes.
- Butt plug didn't work; still shit pants and opened his brown eye.
- Tony performs Mario-themed physical comedy at Tony's direction; jumping, squatting, fireballs.
- William accuses Tony of pooping himself in missionary position.
Set: Zac tells a story about dating a 65-year-old woman, being invited to meet her mother, filming a video for Pornhub, and plans to fuck her to death for inheritance. Heavy exaggeration presented as true.
Interview: Tony points out Zac's entire set is made up. Zac admits the exaggeration. Discussion pivots to real experiences with older women; he dated one for six months and was attracted partly because she allegedly was with Andy Kaufman.
- Woman's DM'd him on Facebook, revealing outdated dating preference.
- Will pull up in '83 Buick with pocket full of hard candy and ashes.
- Cam grills Zac about sexual positions and specifics with crude detail.
- Tony coaches Zac on joke structure—Facebook DM is 2023 joke, not leather skin.
Set: Michael makes jokes about the Israel-Hamas war being entertaining, Greta Thunberg supporting Israel kill-the-Jews tweets (false), and conflates current events with entertainment. Gets cut off by the kitten timer.
Interview: Michael is 24, on unemployment, has evangelical mother who didn't like his penis jokes. He's from New Jersey, was a martial arts instructor. Fought a crackhead at a gas station over lighter/cigarette dispute.
- Greta Thunberg supposedly tweeted about killing Jews after BLM/climate tweets.
- Hopes they annihilate each other to set up holy land for Jesus.
- Michael performs slow martial arts moves showing lack of speed/power.
- Cam accuses Michael of making up the crackhead story.
Set: Cole jokes about looking like lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, not dating Latinas due to spicy food intolerance, and finding it weird when girls post childhood photos on dating apps.
Interview: Cole moved from Houston to Austin in November, works in financial sales (dad helped with interviews). Went on one date that bombed—girl got sick after two drinks at loud bar. Discussion covers his lack of brothers, failed bowling team attempt.
- Looks like lesbian Ellen DeGeneres; not masculine; possibly a bitch.
- Girls posting childhood photos on dating apps; attracted to past versions.
- Tony calls out Cole's last name spelling—looks like lowercase 'i' without dot.
- Cole admits to roofying girls starting at drink three or four.
Set: Cheyenne discusses sucking off a guy in a wheelchair for accessibility, abortion/coat-hanger joke, miscarriage while on mushrooms, and birth rates of Mexican women. Dark, graphic, absurdist material.
Interview: Cheyenne met wheelchair guy on OkCupid in Seattle; he was paralyzed from waist down, couldn't do vaginal. Went on 3-5 dates, she drove everywhere, found bra at his place, got jealous of his live-in partner. Miscarried at mental hospital boyfriend's baby.
- ADA-accessible blowjob; guy in wheelchair wouldn't walk out on her.
- Big Dipper looks like unraveled coat hanger for abortion.
- Unborn Mexican baby gave itself cholo accent and exited womb.
- Cheyenne reveals actual miscarriage while on mushrooms; bittersweet reflection on family cycles.
- Baby calls in from hell; Cheyenne receives comedic 'phone call' from deceased fetus.
Set: Michael jokes about needing three liberal scalps to perform, has a white wife and gets mistaken for trans couple by Trump supporters, describes his mustache as 'Mexican middle schooler' style.
Interview: Michael is Filipino-white, works in production on the show, started comedy 10 years ago. Just moved to Austin, had explosive growth this past year. Started podcast 'Ridley Radio,' opened merch store with 300+ unsold shirts in apartment.
- Need three liberal scalps to get tickets: trans, BLM, Barnes & Noble worker.
- Mustache looks like three months on testosterone; too poor to identify as.
- Michael attempts System of a Down impression; completely fails.
Set: Eoghan jokes about redefining 'skinny' to apply to obese people, compares doctors calling people 'dangerously skinny,' and discusses dating a girl who didn't know what Myspace was at age 16.
Interview: Eoghan is 30, mechanical engineer from Worcester, MA, does industrial engineering. Skateboarding and disc golf fan. Was on original KilTony mothership show. Attempted to close with British flight attendant, got rejected at 2 AM.
- Redefine 'skinny' for obese people; they have more skin anyway.
- Dated girl who didn't know Myspace; she was 16 years old.
- Cam, William, and Hans give closing advice; William suggests drugging women at grocery stores.
- Eoghan attempts Spanish accent for ladies; completely fails.
Set: Zachary jokes about sleeping with someone identifying as he/they, discovering it was actually his uncle, dating a girl whose ex-boyfriend died, and uses height difference as punchline.
Interview: Zachary is 22, from Fort Lauderdale, visiting Austin for the weekend. Doing stand-up 5 months. Works at law office but quit law school plans. Scuba dives and swims with sharks. Plays 'name your black friends' game; only names 1-2 real names.
- Slept with he/they; woke up in pain; actually his uncle the trickster.
- Dating girl whose ex died; 'cop-locked by zombie'; six feet above ex always.
- Cam calls out Zachary for adopting black voice/mannerisms without authentic friendship.
- Zachary fails 'name your black friends' game; invents/mistakes names.
Milky
Set: Milky discusses being called by nickname longer than government name, past bullying (fat boy, Pillsbury), getting diabetes as payoff for wish to be skinny, and quotes Ezekiel 25:17 for conflict.
Interview: Milky is 40, runs a BYOB bar/game room in Wells Branch (18 min away). Has a kid in North Carolina he hasn't seen since Feb last year—visited despite restraining order. Has baby mama and chameleon.
- Prayed to be skinny; got diabetes instead—paid the price with tiny organ loss.
- Quote Ezekiel 25:17 if someone gives you trouble; be respectful.
- Milky admits to showing up at child's mother's house despite restraining order.
- Cam plays 'name your black friends' game again with Milky.
Chase Tucker
Set: Chase rambles incoherently about meeting Shaq, someone trying to suck his wiener in a bar bathroom, and a lady saying his chicken was little. Disjointed, barely coherent debut set.
Interview: Chase is from Kansas, works as a bartender for six months (also mentions Oklahoma). First time doing stand-up. Plays 'name your black friends' game; names Trayvon, Deonce, Twin, Isaiah, Isaiah. Claims to know Twin from a bar.
- Met Shaq in Austin; handshake nearly ripped his arm off.
- Someone tried to suck his wiener in bar bathroom; surreal.
- Tony stops Chase's verbal suicide mid-set to prevent further damage.
- Chase plays black friends game; names Twin from a bar.