Kill Tony #674 — Sam Tallent, Ari Matti
Guests: Sam Tallent · Ari Matti
Lineup
Set: Martin discusses cat calling stray cats, a porn ban following him around, and babysitting his sister's kids by starving them for energy control.
Interview: Discussion of his Virginia roots, bent dick jokes, taking stairs instead of elevators due to fear of getting stuck, and his status as a substitute teacher doing comedy full-time in summer.
- Cat calling stray cats instead of women, they never come when called.
- Porn ban follows him from Virginia to Texas; sister's kids have energy from food so he starves them.
- Golden ticket winner opening the show; Martin discussed with Sam Talent and Ari Matti about past clip circulating in 'hood memes' context.
- Extended riff on Martin's bent/squiggly body and masturbation techniques with panel joking about his appearance.
Set: Phoenix discusses conservative men's restroom concerns masking desire to see trans women, compares transition decision to wearing choices, jokes about capitalism enabling her multi-gendered access.
Interview: Extensive interview covering her 10-month hormonal transition, drag career as Carmela Delight/Phoenix Provocateur, failed Cowboys cheerleader attempt due to genitalia, crane operator boyfriend, and uncomfortable high school experience with defensive father.
- Conservative men don't want trans women in restrooms because they want to see titties there themselves.
- Transition decision: having tits, dick, and grip means access to anywhere and ability to fuck anything.
- Extended crowd work about restroom access and locker rooms; revealed traumatic Nacogdoches competition experience with hostile father.
- Panel fixation on Phoenix's genitalia and sexuality; multiple attempts to get her to reveal physical details.
- Phoenix handles aggressive panel with charm; Ari jokes she would be euthanized in Estonia.
Set: Adrian tells observational jokes about the devil moving away, Netflix scrolling, AOC/Horsefly remake, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Chris Rock dedication month paralleling Lincoln assassination.
Interview: Adrian works as payment processor, donates plasma twice weekly for $300, hasn't told jokes on stage in long time, relies on performance art with a 'scooper' prop that plays copyrighted music.
- Man worshiped devil until girlfriend moved out with kids; now comparing devil worship to Netflix movie scrolling runtime.
- AOC getting remade as 'The Horsefly' science fiction film; compares to filthy animals you can ride.
- Adrian forced to demonstrate his 'scooper' prop on stage; props department has to retrieve it from entrance.
- Scooper requires separate musician to play music; Adrian cannot perform act independently; Sam Talent has to sing/carry the comedy.
- Ari jokes Adrian would be euthanized by Estonian Arts Council; Tony criticizes prop as safety hazard and commitment to gimmick.
Set: Bobby discusses wanting to be Nickelodeon actor as kid (implies sexual abuse), Dan Schneider requirements, Netflix documentary about Nickelodeon trauma, and mom cock-blocking his exploitation.
Interview: Bobby clarifies he lives in apartment with one roommate (disputed), works at airport pushing disabled/elderly people in wheelchairs, met blind woman who encouraged his comedy, previously mentioned as homeless.
- As kid begged mom for Nickelodeon audition, didn't know he was asking to get sexually abused.
- Mom showed him Netflix documentary about Nickelodeon victims who made $3M; Bobby says mom cock-blocked him, not saved him.
- Sam Talent mentions booking Bobby; references prior episode where Cam Patterson mentioned Bobby was homeless.
- Bobby describes pushing blind woman in wheelchair; she kept saying she wanted to see him on Netflix despite being blind.
Set: Cam performs 60-second bit about attending tractor pull in Fort Wayne Indiana, observing Amish people, and interactions with white crowd who warned he wasn't the target of their booing.
Interview: Sam Talent discusses Cam's rider requirements including Kool-Aid, beef jerky, Black and Milds; Cam explains Kool-Aid preferences based on venues; extended bit about wanting to have sex with Amish women.
- At tractor pull in Fort Wayne, white people welcomed him; one said 'don't worry, we not booing you' sarcastically.
- Saw Amish for first time in Florida; they reacted with 'oh fuck, it's a nigga'; wants to have Amish sex.
- Sam reads Cam's rider aloud; includes Kool-Aid (flavors unspecified), beef jerky, Black and Milds, homemade Kool-Aid requirement, Oprah reference.
- Extended discussion of proper Kool-Aid preparation; Cam explains high sugar content, references Patrice O'Neal 'drinking the Kool-Aid' expression.
- Cam discusses wanting to have sex with Amish women despite no internet/Myspace knowledge; Tony joins in on Amish sex fantasy.
Set: Dallas discusses weight loss from 230 to 185 pounds over 18 months, sleeping with overweight white girls and mixed-race kids in Pflugerville, sexual jokes about not being a block of cheese.
Interview: Dallas admits he's not a Kill Tony guy despite fourth appearance, has been doing stand-up 3 years in Austin, claims he's horrible after bombing heavily.
- Lost 245 pounds, now fucking beautiful fat white girls and mixed-race kids over Pflugerville; wants to be stepfather.
- Dick is not block of cheese, more like little smoky; girl grating it like cheese.
- Severe bombing; Dallas repeats 'I suck' starting at 47 seconds, continues apologizing throughout, admits he's ashamed and not good at Kill Tony format.
- Tony suggests Dallas getting fat again would help his comedy; Dallas is on his fourth appearance with consistent poor performance.
Set: Drew discusses energy drink DMs, girls in DMs, health influencer warning about heart explosion, shotguns energy drink and blocks her, performs as newly promoted rotating regular.
Interview: Drew clarifies only 4 girls in DMs vs 7 energy drink companies, no real romantic interest, got friend-zoned over Spicy Nuggets by Uber driver, enjoys mall shopping and arcade Big Buck Hunter.
- Energy drink companies sliding in DMs recruiting him like Billy Mays; health influencer warns heart will explode.
- Girl in DMs worried about his heart; Drew shotguns energy drink and blocks her instead.
- Tony notes Drew pulled the show out of bomb following Dallas Irvine's terrible set; described as 'bomb squad' superhero.
- Sam Talent welcomes Drew as new rotating regular; Tony jokes that it took a guy with head injury to replace Hans.
- Ari jokes Drew would be euthanized in Estonia; extended riff on Drew being an 11-year-old trapped in adult body.
Set: Chloe opens with Yale diploma rape joke, discusses women giving men benefit of doubt like 9/11 hijackers, criticizes pedophiles stealing jobs from children.
Interview: 11-year comedian, recovered alcoholic celebrating one year sober on June 11, extensive story of rehab escape from Malibu Promises facility stealing vodka and infiltrating UCLA SAE fraternity while on medical hold.
- Guy raping her until she saw Yale diploma; assumed she was being fucked by achievement.
- Women always give men benefit of doubt like 9/11 hijackers were just on boys trip.
- 11-year stand-up veteran with extensive sobriety story; escaped Malibu Promises rehab, stole vodka from Ralph's, infiltrated UCLA fraternity SAE house in hospital gown.
- Detailed recovery narrative; ran from alumni meeting, got blacked out at skate park, showed up to UCLA frat at 7AM in hospital gown saying 'Phi alpha brother' to enter SAE house.
- Tony praises interview skills for 11+ minute improvised set; notes her ability to follow leads and roll with everything as rare comedy veteran quality.
Set: Ahren discusses religious people trying to cure cerebral palsy through prayer, taxi driver comparison to ear infection healing, tried praying away body odor, jokes about apologizing for remaining disabled.
Interview: Golden ticket America's Got Talent semi-finalist, getting stem cells tomorrow, claims would only want them from neck down, first word if able to speak starts with 'n', living in fan-provided apartment unit.
- Religious taxi driver tried to cure cerebral palsy by praying, same method worked on his ear infection.
- Apologized to taxi driver for still being disabled after prayer attempt; tried to pray away his body odor instead.
- Golden ticket winner; AGT semifinalist; discussed getting stem cells tomorrow with only cervical restriction.
- When asked first word he'd say if able to speak, Ahren indicates it starts with 'n'; panel immediately understands racial slur reference.
- Ari predicts disability-related euthanasia joke before it happens; Tony makes same Estonia euthanasia callback.
Set: Jacob discusses Apple Watch notification that ex-girlfriend finished 17-minute cardio workout; friend notes she was being 'ran through', implying she was having sex post-breakup.
Interview: Dallas sales/marketing job, lives 3 years stand-up, house-sitting for aunt in Austin, mother recently started country music career at 54 with album on Spotify called 'Kissing Frogs'.
- Apple Watch notification showed ex finished 17-minute cardio after breakup; friend clarifies she's being 'ran through' not running.
- Red Band follows Jacob's mother D'Lee on Instagram live during interview; discovers she has country music career.
- Extensive tangent about Jacob's hot 54-year-old mother; Red Band DMs her, discovers she has 62 Instagram followers, plays 'Kissing Frogs' song.
- Red Band suggests checking OnlyFans for different D'Lee; Jacob mentions mother recently bought Audi without clear income source from music.
Tom Feeback
Set: Tom discusses tough football coach father, modern dads being pussies, store scene of dad failing to discipline kid named Carson with countdown method, misses old school parenting intimidation.
Interview: Chicago comedian 3.5 years, just moved to Austin 3 weeks ago for comedy expansion, does Uber Eats delivery, girlfriend since high school works as nurse, limited sexual adventure in relationship.
- Dad was tough football coach even at Christmas; would just say 'hey. The fuck.' instead of repeating name.
- Modern dads are pussies; store example of dad saying 'Carson?' repeatedly instead of disciplining misbehaving kid.
- Tom's boring missionary/doggy sex life gets mocked; girlfriend tired from nursing shifts; Sam notes he's on biggest podcast admitting to boring sex.
- Ari suggests Tom go to Estonia to get choked and fucked; Tom admits he doesn't know where Estonia is.
- Panel makes Estonia flag joke (blue, black, white); Ari notes it looks like Blue Lives Matter hat.
Set: William discusses 2024 presidential debate, Biden's six handicap/stage six dementia claim, 72% poll on cognitive impairment vs 28% thinking he's dead, Kim Foxx Big Gulp incident, golf arguments.
Interview: AC broke at apartment, ate two Dairy Queen Blizzards today (toffee and animal cookies), Sam discusses William's tour rider with bottled water, Kool-Aid reference callbacks, William quit drinking 12 Miller Lites nightly, lost 45 pounds.
- Biden six handicap golf/stage six dementia; 72% said cognitive impairment, 28% thought he was dead.
- In Kim Foxx poll after Big Gulp thrown on her, one poll choice was 'man, I thought that old ass man was dead'.
- William aims for exactly 60 seconds; hits 59 seconds; Tony notes he was one second away.
- William discusses AC broken, ate two Blizzards, animal cookie one was pink; Red Band says same thing.
- Sam mentions William lost 45 pounds after quitting 12 Miller Lites nightly; no Ozempic; sober journey discussed.