Kill Tony #683 — Tom Segura
Guests: Tom Segura
Lineup
Set: Estonian comedian compares Seattle's progressive culture unfavorably to Texas patriotism; riffs on America being the 'winning side' and jabs at ungrateful Americans who should leave.
Interview: Discussed Buc ee's experience, tried Texas cheesesteak burrito, talked about digestive issues and cold plunge remedy.
- If you don't like America, give me your passport and leave for Ukraine.
- Seattle residents all have green hair, low blood pressure, and complain America is racist.
- Ari ran over 60 seconds significantly (1 minute 45 seconds) but bear didn't interrupt.
Trey Campbell, Lindsey Campbell
Set: Self-deprecating autism joke about stimming rock, contrasts self with Kam Patterson, makes mermaid disease joke after getting cut on lip from rock.
Interview: Discussed move from Visalia California, works at assisted living but sells cupcakes as side business, has two cats and one dog, engaged to Trey.
- I'm retarded like Kam Patterson but different.
- Got mermaid disease from cut in lip after rubbing rock on face.
- Couple made immediate impression; Tony suggested they do back-to-back 5-minute sets at Secret Show.
Set: Alex Jones impression doing I Spice lyrics, jokes about gay frogs, InfoWars references, and Arnold Palmer drink should be called Tiger Woods because he's half Thai.
Interview: Discussed working at pizzeria on 6th Street, two kids (2 and 4), unmarried for 6 years, considering courthouse wedding, previously in Navy stationed in Antarctica.
- Alex Jones reciting Spice Girls lyrics about gay frogs.
- Arnold Palmer drink should be Tiger Woods because he's half Thai.
- Defended bombing set; Tony and Tom critiqued impression quality negatively.
Set: References traumatic brain injury (TBI), compares self to Gary Busey and killers, discusses mental health facility experience mixed with drug rehab, jokes about four-hour girlfriend with multiple personalities.
Interview: Explained TBI from head collision 10 years ago, changed taste preferences and impulse control, developed new love of polka music, recently kissed girl at cidercade who disliked banana pudding.
- Mental health and drug rehab facilities are like Taco Bell and KFC combo.
- Had girlfriend four hours a day until Caroline got healthy.
- Tony and Tom couldn't understand 'TBI' acronym; thought he said TV Guide.
- Discussed suicide hotline and promoted 988 crisis line; mentioned using fake name 'Mickey'.
Set: Growing up Catholic meant ignoring problems; never done anal; priest called asshole a 'flower'; jokes about getting called faggot by homeless people in Austin.
Interview: 22-year-old, doing stand-up 2.5 years, moved from Madison Wisconsin 8-9 months ago, was altar boy, shoots gel blaster at homeless from balcony, recently kissed blonde girl on 6th Street.
- Growing up Catholic means ignoring obvious problems like priests.
- Gets called faggot by homeless people asking for money.
- Second appearance on show; strong crowd reception both times.
- Tony encouraged Roman to lean into dark side; called him 'sick, demented person'.
Set: Attempted acting auditions without success, bought 2003 Acura as 'thug car', contrasts old cars with new beeping 'pussy' cars, car broke down requiring screwdriver to start.
Interview: Real name Chris Clemente Garcia, doing impressions and comedy bits with Tom Segura, discussed failed British accent audition attempt and moose voice acting role.
- Old 2003 cars are thugs; new cars are pussy with excessive beeping.
- 2024 Tesla beeps constantly demanding seatbelt; 03 Acura wants to die with you.
- Performed a full sketch acting bit with Tom as patient, including cancer diagnosis.
- Played multiple characters in improvised doctor/patient scene.
Mike Ivy
Set: Loves Chick-fil-A, jokes about fast food chains based on cults (Scientology tacos, Jehovah's Witness DoorDash), tempts Chick-fil-A employees with Sunday openings and upside-down sandwich orders.
Interview: 14-year comedy career starting in Cleveland for speech therapy, worked at Hilarities Comedy Club more than any other comedian in history, recently moved to Austin three years ago.
- Why not fast food chains based on cults like Scientology tacos.
- Jehovah's Witness DoorDash shows up; burger tastes like Jehovah.
- RedBand visibly upset about Chick-fil-A joke; revealed crew ate there before show.
- Asked for and received small joke book after being told he doesn't ask.
Set: Walked in on parents having sex 17 times, turned 50 nineteen months ago, joked about '50-year-old fuckboys' (FFBs), dark joke about father's death and appropriating Black culture.
Interview: 51 years old, only 20 times on stage (3 months), father had stroke one week after vaccine, cared for him 24/7 for three years, bought RV and truck to move to Austin to pursue comedy.
- Walked in on parents having sex 17 times as a kid.
- Turned 50 nineteen months ago; pushing '50-year-old fuckboys' (FFBs) term.
- Emotional reveal that father requested he do Kill Tony before dying; father's stroke after vaccine.
- Left RV with dog at 71 degrees to perform; planning to return to Sacramento to sell house.
Scotty Hime
Set: Friend moved from Compton to Iowa; found fighting Bloods easier than living in Iowa; jokes about conservative friends with Latina girlfriends and border as 'Mexican glory hole'.
Interview: From Quad Cities Iowa, visiting since Friday, went to gay bar danced in circles, shared king bed with best buddy (claims straight), works in Coca-Cola sales, hit self with baseball bat as kid.
- Crip friend moved from Compton to Iowa; fighting Bloods easier than potholes.
- Conservative friends want Mexican glory hole: sex with border as wall.
- Danced 'gay dancing' on stage after discussing gay bar night; Tony had band play dance music.
- Accidentally hit self in head with baseball bat trying to do cool move.
Interview: Referenced as 'famous wears shorts and a lunatic' regular who performs in shorts and looks at notes on stage; called 'unorthodox weapon'.
- Tony discussed his first time wearing cargo shorts at open mic 17 years ago and never again.