Kill Tony #756 — Jim Norton, Ian Fidance
Guests: Jim Norton · Ian Fidance
Lineup
Set: Opening set with absurdist jokes about Epstein list rumors, Redband, vacuum cleaner sex arrest, bong collection appraisal refusal, and Ax Twin Spotify listeners.
Interview: William discussed his bong collection (purple abalone with crystals, tangerine, amethyst), his clogged arteries, rowing 20,000 meters daily to justify eating vanilla ice cream with chocolate chips, and his comp ticket problems with upcoming comedy dates.
- Epstein's assistant asked about inviting Brian Riel to island party; Epstein said Red man might frighten kids.
- Man arrested for sex with vacuum cleaner says 'my balls are gone, got banned from Antiques Road Show for bong collection death threats.'
- Ax Twin has more YouTube listeners than Taylor Swift; which twin is it.
- William opens the episode as Hall of Famer with most appearances record, setting energetic tone.
Set: Zachariah performs about his Tourette's syndrome, explaining how children were mean when he said it was a superpower, a kid pointing out he can't even win hide-and-seek, being emoted on, doing Triple H moves, and now working as a Walmart greeter.
Interview: Discussed his 3-4 prior appearances, involuntary use of the N-word in St. Louis with black people present, yelling 'BOMB' at the airport, half-face ticking instead of full, verbal versus non-verbal tics, Tourette's Con in Dallas/UK, expensive convention costs, dating with Tourette's, and his part-time job at Chili's in San Antonio.
- Kids are mean when I said Tourette's was a superpower; kid said I can't win hide-and-seek.
- After Triple H moves, no longer allowed to be motivational speaker; now a Walmart greeter.
- Extended discussion of Tourette's Con, expensive convention, and community for people with Tourette's.
- Chili's employment revelation leads to speculation about Austin/San Antonio location and likelihood of viral visit.
Set: Quinton shares new year resolution to stop dating women with cats, explains cats beat their owners, he tried emulating the cat's behavior through gaslighting and knocking things over, reveals he's allergic and Benadryl makes sex difficult, particularly falling asleep during intercourse.
Interview: Second appearance on show; discussed Benadryl side effects during sex, being laid off from tech, living on $14K in savings, weight loss of 50 lbs from eating less, fitness page 'Q Don't Stop,' living in Austin 2 miles away, planning to learn AI to re-enter tech or grow fitness page, writing quality praised by Tony, lost love life since getting fit, ex-girlfriend in Dallas.
- Women with cats are hoes; cats beat them and she loves abuse; tried to keep it even.
- Hard to have sex on Benadryl because you get sleepy; fell asleep in her crotch.
- Second appearance; praised for linear, cohesive writing focused on single topic about cats.
Set: CJ jokes about homeless man rejecting his money offer with water bottle, driving a beat-up 2002 Honda CRV, being 'dumb broke' and not playing Powerball under $1 billion, and happy Black History Month to those who celebrate (implying not him).
Interview: Did standup one year in Spokane before moving to Austin 7 months ago; started online card-breaking business (dividing sports card boxes by team); makes $72K monthly sales with 40% profit margin (~$25-30K); met current girl at BJ's restaurant where they ordered $5 Pizookies; went to Buckyy's (gas station/bait shop) on first date; still dating her as of today; lives in anti-hose card room with roommate Nick.
- Homeless man put sign down when I pulled up; so bad he tried giving me water bottle.
- Drive 2002 Honda CRV rear-ended as many times as Tony; dumb broke, won't buy Powerball under $1B.
- Reveals highly profitable card-breaking business earning $25-30K monthly profit, much more than previous bucket-pull comedian Quinton with $14K savings.
- First date at Buckyy's (gas station/bait shop) after meeting girl at BJ's restaurant.
Set: Matt discusses getting two degrees in four years by exploiting scheduling loophole where dance appreciation counted as three requirements, friend upset about fragile masculinity paper, and Matt doing mashed potatoes badly for a month.
Interview: 10 years of standup (3.5 in Iowa, then Chicago, now Austin for 2+ years); has hand tremors from medical condition; travels doing shows in small rooms (50-70 seaters) at $20 per ticket; makes promotional videos for cities like Tulsa; made ~$500 from Tulsa run across four shows; was president of Standup Comedy Club in college (registered as sorority, initials 'SUCC').
- Exploited college scheduling software to take dance appreciation for three degree requirements instead of difficult courses.
- Roommate upset about fragile masculinity paper; that's when men are too afraid to be feminist and suffer arbitrarily.
- DMadness audibly scoffs at lack of punchlines; Jim Norton critiques weak set; set deteriorates during interview.
Set: Orhun opens by acknowledging he's less successful than previous comedian, jokes about wasting 9 years in comedy, being from Turkey where happiness is discouraged, living in LA then Turkey then returning to America, and realizing America is spectacular after Turkish comparison.
Interview: 9 years standup (7 in America, 2 in Turkey); started in Orange County/LA after studying film; moved back to Turkey for 2 years then returned to Austin 6 months ago; works part-time for Mercedes luxury car brand; plays piano badly, learning wood carving (abstract/expressionist), single by choice to focus on comedy; gave up job opportunities for mics; saved people from suicide; has special shot but unedited (too dangerous to release in Turkey).
- Turkey's state motto: if you're happy and you know it, give it back right now.
- How to make America great again: live in Turkey 2 years, return, suddenly spectacular.
- Turkey's trick-or-treat game: money or stab children; afraid of kids with bats thinking they'll hurt me.
- Golden Ticket awarded for exceptional set; Tony praised his likeability, demeanor, and acceptance of nervous 60-second format.
- Extensive discussion of Turkish military service requirement; men must either serve 3 years abroad or send proof of homosexuality (video); many sent BJ videos that didn't work.
Set: Dedrick does bits about buying $200 pregnancy tests when he knows he can't get pregnant (needs good news), pretending to be gay with best friend for cheaper couples therapy, having a black widow spider he treats like his black mom, going to church window seals playing Kirk Franklin, and the spider being a liar who can't read (Wilbur from Charlotte's Web).
Interview: Regular on show who's been touring extensively across country; dislikes flying; selling lots of tickets in every city; mentioned Drake watches every Kill Tony episode with crew in Toronto; praised for creativity and dark humor; discussed tour success and Black History Month greeting to the 'seven black people that watch Kill Tony.'
- Buying $200 pregnancy tests to get good news that I can't get pregnant.
- Pretending to be gay with best friend for cheaper couples therapy.
- Black widow spider in room treated like black mom; go to church window seals playing Kirk Franklin; spider is liar who can't read.
- Regular and established performer; demonstrates expertise and crowd command; Jim Norton praised his creative dark humor.
Set: Nicholas jokes about bachelorette party woman telling him to shave (looks like rapist), responds 'you look like a victim,' she says not funny, he says 'Shut up, bitch. Yes it is,' then adds she was anorexic so 'got her again' by saying he's not into fat chicks.
Interview: Works as door guy at the mothership in Austin; recently became father to baby girl Shirley born with bowel obstruction requiring emergency surgery removing 17cm of intestines and ileostomy bag; lived in NICU for 5 months; wife upset with nickname 'Shit Bag Shirley' but it comes up every holiday; discussed prostate exam and doctor not wanting cough in his face; invited to secret show Thursday.
- Woman at bar said I look like rapist; I said you look like victim; she complained; I said shut up bitch yes it is.
- Can't kill spider because of white girlfriend; found out it's black widow; on mushrooms realized it's my black mom.
- Doctor told me to turn head and cough; asked why; he said doesn't want cough in face; fair point.
- Discussed daughter Shirley's medical emergency (bowel obstruction, emergency surgery, ileostomy bag) with dark humor; wife dislikes nickname 'Shit Bag Shirley.'
- Invited to secret show Thursday by Tony; received big joke book; closed set on high laugh.
Set: Kirstie jokes about not having a house, living through house-sitting app (Hinge, not dating app), cat chewed up only her dirty underwear discovering yeast infection, and joke about puss and panties.
Interview: 8 years standup starting in Dallas, moved to Austin 1 year 4 months ago; 30 years old; makes money pet-sitting, cleaning/organizing houses, selling clothes on Depop; 100% sober (off Zoloft for 1 month); experiences 'brain zaps' from cold-turkey SSRI withdrawal; was on Zoloft 3 years for depression; got depressed while on it so quit; learned coping skills while medicated; single, doesn't use dating apps, does yoga, plays pool, sings karaoke (Shania Twain, corn songs); no suicidal ideation post-withdrawal.
- Living in stranger houses through Hinge app, not dating app; cat chewed only underwear.
- Found out about yeast infection weird way when cat destroyed dirty laundry; joke about puss and panties.
- Discussed cold-turkey SSRI (Zoloft) withdrawal, brain zaps, and mental health recovery; doctors advise against this approach.
Yaqiao Yang
Set: Yaqiao performs bit about white things being better (White House, white collar jobs, white lies); Diddy throwing white parties but not white enough to get pardoned by White House after arrest.
Interview: Returning golden ticket winner from Netflix special 'Once Upon a Time in Texas'; scheduling shows around US states; has Austin March 21 show and San Antonio April 11 show; previously did Uber as 5-year driver with 5,000 trips and high ratings; Jim Norton complimented writing; Ian Fidance roasted as looking 'Drew'; discussed being Chinese vs. Japanese, nuclear weapons/bombs, trains, building infrastructure.
- Everything better when white: White House, white collar jobs, white lies better than other lies.
- Diddy hosted white parties in Hollywood; A-list celebrities, unlimited baby oil; arrested, not white enough for White House pardon.
- Returns to show as prior golden ticket winner from Netflix special 'Once Upon a Time in Texas'; shows improved stage presence and crowd comfort.
- Delivers roasts of panel members with adorable, innocent delivery; told Redband he looks like his kidneys don't work; told Ian he looks 'Drew' (Jewish).