Melissa Eslinger

No set recap for this appearance.

Melissa performs about seeing only good in people which makes LA feel lonely, discusses starting a 'killing them with kindness' non-profit but renaming it due to racial implications, and closes with an observation about bipolar disorder being like a box of chocolates.

• Almost started non-profit 'killing them with kindness' but it was one k-word away from being racist.
• Bipolar disorder is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you're going to get.

Fragmented set about smoking cigarettes, missing a babysitter, Good Charlotte nostalgia from age 14, multiple false starts and stream-of-consciousness structure.

• Missed babysitter nostalgia connected to Good Charlotte album nostalgia from age 14.

Melissa discussed desk birds (drinking water fountains), made observations about their funny behavior, mentioned Pokemon Go and teenage girls being abducted, but delivered observations rather than structured jokes.

Melissa opens with a 30-second bit about being awkward around people plus marijuana, beer, and fireworks, then discusses premature ejaculation but forgets her made-up word for it, and admits she has other jokes but spirals into self-doubt.

• Being awkward around people plus marijuana, beer, fireworks is uncomfortable.

Melissa does a single-topic set about fire hydrants, how they used to represent puppies and Dalmatians but now just represent parking tickets and frustration.

• Fire hydrants ruined by parking tickets from childhood wonder

Compared herself to nervous turtle from Rocko's Modern Life, joked about overthinking Three Little Pigs, her oppositional defiance disorder, and doctor visit.

• I'm like nervous turtle from Rocko's Modern Life.
• Why couldn't wolf kick the door if he blew houses down?

Melissa does Donald Duck impression from childhood, jokes about driving stick shift to seem like hard worker but being a bad driver.

• Only childhood impression was Donald Duck washing face; it was best friend.
• Drives stick shift to seem hardworking but replaced clutch as bad driver.

Short set about throwing phone in anger, Sprint store calling it 'Space Rock black' instead of just 'black,' reflects on fear and language.

• Sprint called broken phone 'Space Rock black' instead of just 'black'

Melissa opened with nervous energy about being short (5 feet 3/4 inch), checking height at doctor visits, then lost her train of thought and struggled to recover her planned material.

• At 5 feet 3/4 inch tall, checks for that specific inch at doctor visits

Eslinger discusses being a talkative child, counting backwards from 20-29 repeatedly, discovering words sound weird when repeated (Garfield example), mom asking her to breathe and stop talking.

• As kid, counted 20-29 repeatedly instead of past 29 when counting.
• Discovered saying same word repeatedly makes it sound weird; example: Garfield.
• Mom told her to breathe between sentences and stop talking during TV dinner time.

Millennial comedian describes her generation as a disorder rather than generation, discusses growing up with internet and porn, AOL Instant Messenger as therapist, and how calling a new bird was cheaper than skipping school.

• Millennials are disorder, lazy, loud with YOLO and internet porn access.
• AOL Instant Messenger was her therapist teaching her not to use all caps.
• Father had to walk to skip school, she just called a new bird.

Melissa performs new material about attending AA hung over and missing the meeting, growing up Jewish in Germany, hiding in bar bathroom at age 14 when cops arrived, and comparing the experience to Anne Frank's hiding.

• Attended AA hung over and missed it; microphone makes me think I'm alcoholic
• Jewish in Germany at 14 hiding in bar bathroom from cops during raid
• Hiding in bar bathroom at 14, realized I know how Anne Frank felt

Minute about giving up caring due to poverty ($6 budget), sleeping on floor, eating baloney sandwiches, LA high stakes, and observing drunk man on bus. Self-aware about struggle without punchlines.

• Gave up caring but nothing changed because already living poorly
• LA high stakes: can be fine, next day mixing water in juice

Melissa joked about cat liking anal temperature checks at vet. Discussed losing job, car breaking down, air mattress leak in 72 hours. Dark humor with relatable life struggles.

• Cat likes anal, found out during vet temperature check
• Lost job, car broke, air mattress leaked all in 72 hours

Melissa performs a minute about buying Chapstick at a sex shop and noticing there are no shopping carts. She includes observations about sex shops having bulk lube like Costco. High self-disruption and nervous delivery but recovers well.

• Sex shop doesn't have shopping carts; would be weird bulk dildos like Costco
• Went to sex shop to get Chapstick; rewards card question awkward

Bic makes lighters, pens, razors—suicide kit joke, Seventh Heaven's 11-year run with diddler main character, started growing balls, went to show and everything was real, stalling technique.

• Bic makes three things: lighter, pen, razor—suicide kit
• Seventh Heaven lasted 11 years with diddler as main character

Melissa performs about playing baseball for twelve years and being the only girl, discussing awkward head pats from coaches and being asked out with 'I'm packing' by a 12-year-old boy on second base.

• Only girl in baseball, coaches slap dudes' butts then awkwardly pat head
• Boy asked her out saying 'I'm packing' at age 12 playing shortstop

Didn't poop in toilet until age 5; parents bribed with dollhouse; pooped pants in DuckTales pajamas; ate chalk as child wanting to make poop pretty; ate a nickel/dime.

• Didn't poop in toilet until 5; parents bribed with dollhouse.
• Ate chalk as child thinking it made poop pretty.
• Ate a nickel to prevent brother buying eraser.

New regular minute about discovering middle finger in LA, flipping off drivers, nervousness, and historical speculation about Native Americans and Columbus.

• Didn't know middle finger existed until LA; accidentally surprised herself flipping off.
• Wondered if Native Americans used middle finger greeting before Columbus stole it.

Self-described fake Jew. Talked about why she does comedy: drugs unsustainable, making people laugh is, and she was visibly shaking throughout.

• Mom is Jewish so she's a fake Jew explanation.
• Does comedy because drugs unsustainable but making people laugh is.

Jokes about becoming more lesbian each time she goes to the store, recurring dream about having cancer cured by penis, waking up in bathtub with penis, and breaking up with her friends-with-benefits.

• Every time at store become more lesbian; had cancer dream with penis cure
• Woke up in bathtub with penis in dream, played with it one day
• Just got dumped by my friends-with-benefits guy; if upset better be good

Melissa discusses her 2009 Christian phase when she was 19 and searching for identity, including getting baptized in the South, joining ROTC, and transferring to a private Christian school. She lost her friends and got kicked out for playing video games instead of chapel.

• Started doing 'bumps of G's of Jesus' when she got baptized sophomore year.
• You can tell it happened in South because 'got baptized' means 'I speak English real good'.
• Got kicked out of Christian school for video games instead of chapel—games were more realistic.

Eslinger talked about choking on a lifesaver, flunking out of therapy after being too paranoid to discuss her issues, and arguing with her therapist about who was more professional.

• Choked on lifesaver which fortunately has a hole in it
• Flunked therapy by discussing mommy issues instead of paranoia
• Argued with therapist about who's more professional after 7 years in therapy

Star Wars-themed material about getting a lightsaber with dead batteries for Christmas and wearing a helmet as an adult to avoid trouble.

• Got Jedi lightsaber with generic batteries; parents had to go buy real ones.
• Wearing helmet at 26 prevents anyone from messing with you, even villains.

Jokes about being dehydrated never growing past childhood, nearly jumping off cliff at age 3 chasing lizard, overalls saved by father, comparing cliff edge feeling to stand-up comedy.

• Never grew past 11 because completely dehydrated entire life
• Overalls saved life when dad grabbed them at cliff edge

No set recap for this appearance.

Comic discusses adult coloring books, commercial tailoring, Subway's slogan change from 'Eat Fresh' to 'Fresh Is What We Do'. Observational humor about everyday experiences.

• Adult stress coloring books from Michael's are Portland thing
• Subway changed slogan from 'Eat Fresh' to 'Fresh Is What We Do'

Set about Hulu boyfriend, binge-watching Seventh Heaven, PSA injections in episodes, learning about cutting from TV, wanting to escape parents via field trip.

• Binge-watching Seventh Heaven might be worse than terrible sex
• Learned about cutting from Seventh Heaven PSAs at age 14
• Field trip in Seventh Heaven made her want to get away from parents

Set about calling suicide hotline for jokes, attempting suicide at 14 with Prozac, cutting herself with office supplies, and mental health issues.

• Called suicide hotline not to kill herself but to test jokes and feel better
• Tried to kill herself at 14 with Prozac bottle but never followed through
• Cut herself with office supplies; only punishment was being banned from Office Max

Melissa performs about parking tickets, trying cocaine for productivity, and the difference between being an adult and a kid.

• I've been in LA for nine and a half parking tickets
• Cocaine made me adult for 4 hours, did taxes and insurance

Melissa joked about parking garage validation machines and therapy, sleeping with a Barney doll, and breaking the Barney doll's voice function.

• Parking garage validation machines could replace therapy visits.
• Still sleeps with childhood Barney doll, may attract pedophiles.
• Broke Barney doll's voice function trying to squeeze it.

Melissa discusses her first Vegas trip, comparing the city to having a friend with bad parents where you can do whatever you want, and draws parallels to Chuck E. Cheese casino behavior.

• Vegas is like having a friend with really bad parents
• Chuck E. Cheese casino behavior parallels explains Vegas kid confusion

No set recap for this appearance.

Set about a joke written at age 8, public restroom anxiety, and a self-created song to cope with pooping in public. Discusses Star Wars spoiler interactions and personal bathroom habits.

• Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to Shell Station (age 8 joke)
• Created song to sing to self when needing to poop in public

Melissa discusses accidentally joining the Scientology-affiliated Museum of Psychiatry, padded rooms, warning signs, and buying a t-shirt that gave her membership.

• Accidentally joined Scientology cult by visiting Museum of Psychiatry.
• T-shirt saying 'Childhood is not a disorder' got her free membership.

Eslinger jokes about social anxiety at parties, feeling like she's in a minefield of judgement that doesn't exist. Uses childcare and interruption humor to illustrate her nervous energy and overthinking.

• Walking into rooms feels like social minefield despite no actual danger present.
• Walks into daycare, feels judged by drooling toddler Tommy.

Military brat comedian discusses growing up on military base with PSAs, seeing George W. Bush in Harry Potter screening, and soft brainwashing.

• Military bases made their own PSAs with characters like Safety Hamster
• Field trip to Harry Potter screening with George W. Bush as nanny

Melissa performs short bits about being short, riding the short bus, thinking outside the box, dictionary definitions, and automatic doors not opening for her. Set consists of brief one-liners and premise jokes.

• People ask if she rides short bus; she thought it was size joke.
• Still trying to figure out how to get in the box.
• Automatic doors don't open for her because she's too short.

New material about car accident, dating in LA, Walmart visit where homeless man returns items for refunds. Strong second premise but weaker opening and delivery hampered by nervousness.

• Got T-boned in car accident, glad to at least get boned
• Homeless man at Walmart returned items from trash can for refunds

Melissa performs as the show's regular, delivering new material about not liking people, meeting her Mexican neighbor named Jose, and a joke about redheads hearing ginger ale in the bathroom.

• Meeting Mexican neighbor named Jose triggers stereotype in her head
• Redheads hear 'ginger ale' when they go to the bathroom

No set recap for this appearance.

Material about going to dentist and getting angry, suddenly feeling like leader of the world; joked about waving cars ahead at four-way stop when it wasn't her turn; quipped about dentist comparing drilling to relaxing on couch.

• Dentist said drilling is like chilling on couch; not if paying $2,000 for it.

Melissa jokes about her stripper cousin named Britney who has a cowgirl up tattoo, claims baby was from rape but father has custody, and discusses her own 17th birthday cocaine offer.

• Cousin is stripper named Britney with cowgirl up tattoo, responsibility feels like rape.
• Offered cocaine at party, said celebrating 17th birthday to avoid it.

Melissa discussed people not meaning what they say, house-sitting and being told she could wear anything but only venturing to the underwear drawer, and an awkward transition to playing Dungeons & Dragons on Labor Day.

• House-sitting host said wear anything but only tried underwear drawer
• Playing Dungeons & Dragons awkward explanation and laundry situation

Regular performer discussing knee injury from fall. Material about femur crashing into kneecap, childhood Dimetapp lollipops shaped like teddy bears, and mother saying she talks too much to be kidnapped.

• Mother wasn't afraid of kidnapping because she talks too much
• Dimetapp lollipops shaped like teddy bears from childhood

Set about dog-sitting one-eyed dogs and identifying with them due to being crippled. Jokes about walking the dogs, ruining a child's ice cream, warm poop bags. Discusses mother's sex talk occurring on way to get birth control.

• Dog-sitting one-eyed dogs, identifies with being crippled; two one-eyed dogs worse than one.
• Mother's sex talk happened on way to get birth control after first pregnancy scare.

Melissa performs about Facebook making fun of her Kentucky past, LA as a sandbox with cat turds, mother's weird toast rules, and dating a man who leaves toast in wrong toaster position.

• Facebook makes fun of her Kentucky past on soulmate app
• Mom's weird toast rule: only right side of toaster if making one piece
• Boyfriend leaves regular toast everywhere, making her a swinger by association

Eslinger discussed looking young, infiltrating kids' baseball games, needing a fake ID at 24, and confusion about her appearance in casual social situations.

• Looks so young that parents wave her along with their kids at baseball games.
• Had to get fake ID at age 24 because people don't believe she's of age.