Vanessa Johnston

Self-identifies as atheist but attends church for songs; Silent Night joke about illogical timing of Jesus birth in barn; follows with misdirect about everyone being upset Jesus died at 32, but that was old for the time; people didn't take him seriously until 31.

• Atheist attends church for songs; Silent Night joke illogical given birth circumstances
• Jesus dying at 32 was old back then; people didn't take him seriously until 31

Johnston discusses playing the state lottery for the first time, complimenting a gas station attendant's eye shadow only to learn her boyfriend beats her, and a joke about Make-A-Wish kids being denied lottery wishes.

• Compliments gas station clerk's eye shadow; clerk reveals abusive boyfriend instead.
• Make-A-Wish kids wishing for lottery winnings gets denied; foundation says he'll be dead soon anyway.

Vanessa performed dark material about white phosphorus chemical weapons used in Iraq and their birth defects, compared the imagery to Monsters Inc, and made a joke about suicide bombers needing talent.

• White phosphorus chemical weapon burns skin and causes birth defects
• Iraq aftermath compared to Monsters Inc headquarters
• Being a suicide bomber takes talent if born without arms

Short set about bad driving without looking at road, drunk but not enough to sleep with cop, pedestrians have too many rights, sideswiped a pedestrian to assert dominance. Mix of goofy and serious material.

• Shitty driver who doesn't look at road, still no accidents
• Pedestrians have too many rights, she's driving a tank
• Sideswiped a pedestrian to teach him who's boss

Election humor about Trump/Nazi comparisons, Holocaust/soap dark joke, people arguing politics without expertise, and Mexicans being better at cleaning alive than dead.

• Nazis turned Jews into soap; why turn Mexicans into soap if you think they're dirty
• People arguing politics online don't have expertise; they work at Bloomingdale's

Regular doing new minute: opens with no underwear, jokes about black boyfriend (racist audience reaction), similarities with boyfriend leading to father estrangement, possessiveness, then compares molested girls to piano prodigies at sex.

• Black boyfriend: most people stopped clapping after announcement (crowd-work setup)
• Dating boyfriend made father stop talking to me; comparison to dating effect
• Girls who were molested are great at sex, like piano prodigies starting at age 3

Smart comedy about LinkedIn vs Instagram hotness ratings, researching competition as a hypothetical hooker, and awkward job interviews. Self-deprecating but confident delivery.

• She's an 8 on Instagram but a 10 on LinkedIn because there aren't hot girls on LinkedIn.
• Researched hooker competition on LinkedIn, found insurance companies instead of actual sex workers.
• Hypothetical interview where hooker lists jobs as hand jobs, blow jobs, etc.

Vanessa rants about onions, comparing them to bad tastes. Discusses wanting guys to have tears of joy eating her pussy instead of tears from onions. References ancient Roman philosopher and angry tone throughout.

• Want tears of joy not sadness when eating pussy, fuck onions.
• Sour cream and onion only works for chips, not dicks.

Female comedian discussing LA comedy tropes: can't compliment audience attractiveness in LA, confused about meeting New Yorkers as if they're special, compares them to Papa John's, prefers meeting rare people like those from small Arkansas towns.

• Can't compliment good-looking LA crowd; they already know and dismiss the compliment
• New Yorkers act rare when there's 13 million of them; they're like Papa John's of people
• More impressed by someone from Struggle Bus Arkansas with 50 people and 49 cows

Homeless man asks her on date using pickup lines about boxes. Misdirect: she considers him, then jokes about inevitable 'rescue' narrative where women fix broken men.

• Homeless guy: 'I'm good with boxes...your box in my box'
• Eventually a girl will 'rescue' him, they marry, and she'll be the savior in story

Material about DARE program being ineffective, criticizing their brochures, lion mascot, and suggesting crack baby mascot would be better deterrent.

• DARE program stupid: no kid reads brochures, lion mascot doesn't work
• Need crack baby mascot instead of lion to actually deter drug use

Vanessa performs about her mother's schizophrenia, including anecdotes about her mother seeing demons instead of her father, perceiving demons directing traffic instead of a teacher, and family meals in the forest at night.

• Mother with schizophrenia sees demons instead of father; 'Lucifer is home.'
• Mother thinks Mr. Long is a demon directing traffic at school.

Dark edgy set about Holocaust soap making, criticizing Germans as dirty, making disparaging comments about both Jewish genocide victims and perpetrators.

• Why make soap from Jews if Germans think Jews are dirty anyway
• Germans smell like beer/sauerkraut so soap composition doesn't matter
• Soul Fate soap made from Jewish victims, unclear if disclaimer on box

Vanessa made a 55-second set about Muslim women being blamed for rape in court systems, comparing it to magical wizardry, and joked about not competing with magical powers in the Middle East.

• Muslim women blamed for rape via seduction/vixen wizardry; women are wizards
• Won't go to Middle East; can't compete with magical women

Vanessa performed about the oddness of giving Bibles to young children with violent and disturbing content like crucifixion, questioning how we normalize such dark material for children through religious instruction.

• Giving violent Bible content to four-year-olds is weird and teaches them murder.
• Teachers tell scared kids God protects them despite not protecting Jesus.
• Jesus sacrificed by God contradicts being called God's child (forgotten joke).

Set acknowledging her appearance as dumb white woman, internally identifying as grumpy old man, jokes about guys not liking Steve Jobs roleplay during sex, and sarcasm about her intelligence.

• Looks like dumb white woman but internally identifies as grumpy old man.
• Guys don't like when she says 'fuck me like Steve Jobs' during sex.

Vanessa did material about getting her period from social media stress, critiqued Prince William's receding hairline, and discussed how the world's craziness is reflected on social media.

• Social media stress gave her a period; Prince William at 34 looks 60 with bad hair.

Vanessa discusses not identifying as Republican or Democrat despite atheism, jokes about animal mascots being lame (elephants and donkeys), references political party statistics, and makes commentary on independent voters not being allowed to vote.

• Elephants and donkeys are lame animal mascots; elephants like most Republicans.
• Democrats are stubborn asses; Republicans are fat, hairy, nearly extinct.

Joked about never receiving unsolicited dick pictures despite being receptive, compared herself to Florida/Jews attraction, CIA conspiracy theories about stolen photos.

• My face to dicks is like Florida to old Jews.
• Government reads my texts but ignores my standup.

Vanessa jokes about McDonald's requiring college degrees for cashiers, imagines overly grammatical corrections from educated employees.

• English majors as cashiers would correct drunk orders: 'my friend and I' not 'me and my friend'.

No set recap for this appearance.

Johnston jokes about hating passive aggressive people, wanting Trump to win so they die, compares to third-world problems, argues passive aggression means problems aren't real.

• Passive aggressive people are a first-world problem; third-world people have real issues.

Comedian from Minnesota talks about hating everyone but it comes off as hating everyone, loves her father who hates everyone and doesn't even like her. Father drops her off at preschool telling her he's hoping her mother dies soon so he doesn't have to pay alimony.

• Father hates everyone including her, making him the best.
• Father tells her at preschool he's hoping mother dies soon to avoid alimony.

Vanessa performs new material about taking a vampire quiz online that convinced her she's a vampire. She describes the quiz questions and has been laying out black eyeliner samples to catch Emos, as vampires apparently eat Emos.

• Took vampire quiz that asked about sunburns, dead dad, drinking blood
• Laying out black eyeliner samples to catch Emos since vampires eat them

Confident minute about being attractive woman doing stand-up ('hot girl' dynamic), insecurity about audience approval, dark joke about comedians who committed suicide.

• Attractive woman on stage: hot girl + insecure comic = weird dynamic
• Every comedian who committed suicide probably didn't get enough laughs

Vanessa joked about wearing disposable underwear to avoid laundry, creating panty business 'Pant-arps' with flavors. Committed to one subject throughout, dark dirty humor.

• Wearing disposable underwear instead of washing pants
• Business idea: Pant-arps flavored used underwear in pineapple, clam, chocolate

Vanessa performs material about religious extremists, questioning why omnipotent God would need help from people, and criticizing extremists by saying they should stick to register jobs and bible crosswords. Delivery is theatrical and act-out heavy.

• Religious extremists say God is omniscient but they're his 'helper'—contradiction
• Tell extremists to go back to Arby's register and bible crossword puzzles

Fetishes are scary and secret, afraid to catch one, weird desire to put peanut butter in guy's crevices, can't control fetish attraction involuntarily, example of accidentally developing foot fetish.

• Fetishes are scary secrets, afraid to catch one like a disease
• Wanted to put peanut butter in guy's elbows and creases

Vanessa performs about being pretty creating problems, how being really pretty and ugly are the same because nobody cares about personality, and that average-looking people get credit for accomplishments while pretty women doing great things get called sluts.

• Pretty problems can be fixed with hammer like everything else
• Build rocket, solve hunger, cure cancer - people still call her slut

Vanessa discusses being socially awkward without friends as a child, playing it cool by lying about a solo lifestyle. Makes jokes about blaming parents and playing imaginary charades with fake friends Billy Bob and Thornton.

• Didn't have friends but played it cool claiming to be lone wolf.
• Played charades by myself with imaginary friends Billy Bob and Thornton.

Vanessa discusses sexism in YouTube comments about female aviators, jokes about women's inventions (software, Wi-Fi, paper bags), and comments on women not getting credit.

• YouTube commenter called Amelia Earhart a whore; suggests she do porn instead
• Women invented computer software, Wi-Fi, first paper bag; ugly woman explains why bag invention unsurprising
• Her IQ is room temperature; reframe as nice day rather than insult

Set about mother forcing classical music listening as child raising her as villain. Discussed Beethoven Symphony 7, difficulty decorating evil lairs, losing voice from Facebook comments, and country division preventing love and sex.

• Mom made her listen to classical music to raise her as villain, succeeded.
• Hard to decorate evil lair invitingly and terrifying while using pastels.
• Lost voice writing Facebook comments, country divided so we can't love or have sex.

Observational comedy about fear of aging, explaining Little John to children, illegality of handicap parking vs. bathroom stalls, and crude humor about bathroom activities.

• Teaching kids about Little John skeet-skeet-sin, how accidents happen in clubs
• Handicap parking spaces illegal but not bathroom stalls where more crime occurs
• Vagina described as 3D printer incorrectly, room is printer, vagina is tray

Material about getting fired from restaurant management job in Beverly Hills, workplace apathy, and observational humor about office chairs and their controls. Relatable content about losing career ambition.

• Getting fired shocking when you're smarter than boss, but you already knew you were fired.
• At work you have no control except making office chair go up and down like CEO.
• Only official office job is one week annually for Comedy Central Roast writing.

Disneyland cancer warning signs joke, tourists not wanting God's word as souvenir, preaching in children's hospitals where kids on morphine will believe anything.

• Disneyland has cancer warning sign greeting, combines with religious preaching joke
• Preach at children's hospitals where morphine addicts believe anything
• Swingers couples at Disneyland want to slip you a mickey

Material about not having a college degree affecting job prospects and a controversial joke about people with Down syndrome working retail.

• Interviewed for assistant job; interviewer implied coffee makers complicated without degree.
• College useless for 80% of jobs; offering degrees to people with Down syndrome.

Jokes about LA tap water toxicity, black plastic balls in reservoir, Brita filters, CDC rocket fuel and birth control in water supply, blue ten-legged homosexual frogs.

• Sunlight hits LA water becomes toxic, million black balls solve nothing
• Ten-legged blue homosexual frogs from rocket fuel and hormones in water

Comic does two stories: set up on blind date with rich old white man (made uncomfortable advances about daughters), and similar joke about CEO at work. Sexual harassment themes.

• Blind date with rich guy with daughters same age, won't go out with pedophile
• At Mastro's steakhouse vegan, told date she wants to touch his daughters

Set about being perceived as a hooker based on appearance, being called out at corporate party, witty comeback about looking so good someone would pay.

• Woman at party called her a hooker, witty comeback about looking that good
• Shows two inches of skin in dress, gets called hooker despite nice appearance
• Would be worst hooker ever with bad customer service

Set about TGIF phrase, unemployed Instagram influencers, nine-to-five jobs including lunch breaks, and working eight hours straight.

• LA people say TGIF but don't have jobs; they just photograph themselves all day
• Nobody actually works 9-5 straight; there's always a lunch break making it 9-5:30

Vanessa performs about white people's memory of historical events, white guilt, and lack of community compared to other ethnicities.

• White people remember Holocaust but forget slavery despite Black History Month
• White people have white guilt because we always need to own something

Vanessa performs tight atheist material with unique perspective: celebrates death of Jesus via cross, wishes for God to blame for daddy issues, and questions God's need to keep creating replacement children when 7 billion exist.

• As atheist, only holiday is Black Friday
• Wears cross celebrating death of Jesus as atheist
• Wishes God exists to blame him for daddy issues

No set recap for this appearance.

First minute about racial stereotypes and NASCAR, noting the only Asian NASCAR driver (Hideo Fukuyama) finished 33rd due to an accident. Second minute about going down on women and the difficulty of finding the clitoris.

• Only Asian NASCAR driver finished 33rd and caused the accident moving up
• Going down on women is hard to do right; girls are liars about satisfaction

Vanessa does new material about her mother having schizophrenia, seeing demons, being sent to barricade house, and speculation that her mom is having affair with Nicolas Cage.

• Mom sees demons, when asked if dad's home says 'Lucifer is'.
• Nicolas Cage connection to bad movie ideas caused by mother's schizophrenia.

Johnston jokes about dating a 'fixer-upper' with poor health habits; he uses doggy style as exercise. She also critiques racial stereotypes, noting white dancers and black mathematicians exist, with a joke about lack of Asian NASCAR drivers.

• Dating fixer-upper boyfriend; doggy style is his workout routine.
• Best dancers are white, best mathematicians are black, no Asian NASCAR drivers.

Vanessa's set is cut short at 47 seconds. Content not fully captured in transcript but appears edgy based on panel reaction.