Kim Congdon

Roast of Tony Hinchcliffe for Puerto Rico jokes, defended Puerto Rican heritage, claimed Tony's blood is HIV positive, threw paper towels referencing hurricane response.

• Tony's blood is HIV positive unlike her Puerto Rican heritage.
• Only dirty parts of Puerto Rico taken over by white billionaires.

No set recap for this appearance.

Kim performed about shopping at Forever 21 at 32, blood-covered cheap boots, fast fashion, being scared of birds, and controversial jokes about clowns and rape.

• Buying clothes at Forever 21 at 32 is sad, blood-covered $3 boots
• If scared of birds, friends leave you without you at end of night
• Controversial: if scared of clowns, you got raped—get to gym and fix it

Opened with bit about dating guy with kid, ghosting him instead of helping. Joked about realizing lack of maternal instinct when kid expressed fears.

• Ghosted boyfriend's kid instead of helping with nighttime fears

Regular performer (2+ years, new joke each week). Delivers tight minute on awkward conversation during sex, porn costumes, pressure from obese scene partner. Confident closer about 'try to break me.'

• Guys talk too much during sex, asks to reshoot
• Works as comedian not porn star, they're close
• Pressure from obese costar, delivers 'try to break me'

Kim discusses her wild friend who gambles by having sex without condoms, talks about her friend having sex with four guys at once, describes the different hole arrangements, and jokes about the fourth guy in corner and meat consumption.

• Friend has sex with guys without condoms, describing it as 'gambling'
• Four guys scenario - three holes filled, fourth guy in corner tweaking nipple
• Friend probably smelled like dick for days, couldn't eat meat after hearing

Kim discusses her stepdad Shelby whom she hated because of his name, his obsession with cleaning, and refusing to let them talk at dinner, keeping the TV on instead.

• Won't respect anyone named Shelby, includes jokes about his Mustang
• Dad wouldn't let them talk at dinner, kept TV on instead

Kim performs about not getting emotionally attached to hookups, awkward breakup responses about finding new dicks, and Band-Aid availability comparison.

• Finding new dick faster than finding Band-Aid when hurt
• Asking crowd for dick while Band-Aid request gets offered dicks

Kim did a new minute about her absent father, her mom letting her search for him for 4 years, alcoholic parent lessons, and a magician joke about disappearance.

• Mom let her search for father for 4 years without telling
• Father was magician because he disappeared from her life

Kim performed a new minute about awkward moments with homeless people, noting their apparent frailty but unexpected danger potential, and a joke about a homeless vet spending money on animals.

• Homeless vet sign joke: of course he's homeless, spending all money on animals.

Rapid-fire dark one-liners about Gerber baby being 85, suicide hotlines for extreme Muslims, grandmas having ducks, penny being bad orphan name.

• Gerber baby turned 85 so she's eating Gerber food again.
• Penny is a bad name for an orphan.
• Smokes medicinal weed but thinking up dark jokes constantly.

Observations about buying own drink like ugly girl, only ugly guys ask for hugs, hot guys don't hug, guys use hug trick to feel boobs. Discussed unwanted high-fives and BabyBjorn back hug.

• Only really ugly guys ask for hugs, hot guys don't need to
• Guys use hug as trick to feel boobs

Kim performs a new minute about Fifty Shades of Grey, paper cuts while masturbating, her pattern of being attracted to unavailable men, and a Facebook message offering $25,000 for sexual favors that she considers because it would buy Listerine.

• Can't masturbate to Fifty Shades due to paper cuts
• Attracted to unavailable men, may stem from unavailable father or mean guys
• Facebook offer of $25k for sex; uses Listerine as punchline

Headline about guy who smoked weed then sucked horse dick. Joke about friend being promiscuous but picky eater (11 dicks but won't eat cilantro). No longer smokes weed, observations about inconsistency.

• Guy probably would suck horse dick regardless of weed
• Friend had 11 dicks in mouth but won't eat cilantro

Material about birth control side effects (nausea, increased libido), Puerto Rican mother's flip-flop hitting abilities, unpreparedness for motherhood, and fear of casual pregnancy.

• Birth control increases libido but causes nausea; thanks for letting guy not come inside.
• Puerto Rican moms have flip-flop superpower to hit face from anywhere.
• Never cleaned someone's face with spit; not ready for motherhood; Puerto Rican pregnancy risk.

Regular performer doing tight 60-second set. Material about people with mismatched names and faces; example about friend named Hope who looked like 'disgrace' and ate dick-shaped foods. Efficient joke structure with strong punch.

• Friend named Hope looked more like 'disgrace,' ate everything shaped like dicks.

Year-and-a-half regular doing new minute; deconstructs 'if you can make it in NY, can make it anywhere' by applying to Middle East comedy, riffing on getting killed/bombed.

• NY saying doesn't apply to Middle East where only light is tunnel and different kind of killing

Dropped out of University of Florida after Kill Tony appearance. New minute about men calling her 'cute' instead of 'sexy,' bad behaviors (not refilling ice, petty jealousy), and friends-with-benefits/401k joke.

• Men call her cute not sexy; confesses petty bad behaviors.
• Friends with benefits misheard as 401k financial account joke.

Kim jokes about saving anal sex for her husband rather than money. She discusses starting an emergency weed fund, dating a Mexican guy, and observations about Walmart shoppers and Phoenix's wealthy demographics.

• Saving anal sex for husband instead of money
• Emergency weed fund more important than emergency savings

Suspicious of man ordering decaf and chocolate milk without a child, implying he's a pedophile. Jokes about not trusting decaf drinkers and reminisces about getting fingered in church bathrooms.

• Man ordering decaf and chocolate milk without kid is obvious pedophile
• Church bathrooms were places to get fingered without suspicion as teenager

College dropout regular does obsessive/creepy material about stalking a guy from improv show, found him online, walking past his house. Multiple punchlines about trying to get him to notice her. Confident delivery.

• Been 'seeing' someone who doesn't know it yet, walking past his place
• Boyfriend says 'stop calling me, I don't know you' when she calls

No set recap for this appearance.

No set recap for this appearance.

Kim performs about going green with carpooling and recycling men, comparing going back to an ex as taking a shit after a shower and needing another shower during a drought.

• Recycling men to reduce penis imprint on reputation
• Exes are like taking a shit after shower during drought

No set recap for this appearance.

No set recap for this appearance.

Regular on show who dropped out of University of Florida to pursue comedy. Set about long-distance relationship existing only in her imagination, failed vibrator purchases on Groupon and eBay, and joke about multiple dicks being available.

• Boyfriend lives in her imagination; long-distance relationship is completely imaginary.
• Lost eBay bidding war on used vibrator to someone else's fake penis.
• Women shouldn't fight over men; there's enough dicks for everyone.

Kim joked about taking quick showers only washing certain body parts, needing a stay-at-home father to balance her ambitions, and realizing she might need to date a woman instead of a man to get the support she needs.

• Quick shower washing only genitals, teeth, and armpits if feeling adventurous
• Need stay-at-home father to support comedy ambitions; realizes need woman instead
• Selfish about ambitions; always call house but only about Emmy care

No set recap for this appearance.

Kim performs about dating a bisexual man, jealousy concerns mixing bisexuality with AIDS fears, and makes controversial jokes about Black women.

• Can't date bisexual men because of jealousy about them with women and AIDS.
• Worrying about boyfriend being with women and AIDS is about Black women.

Story about Instagram girl sending explicit DMs including video of her having sex with her Rottweiler; investigative breakdown of whether incident was real.

• Girl sent DMs escalating from photos to video of her with her Rottweiler
• Justifies investigating by trying to understand dog's perspective on the relationship
• Jokes about calling Humane Society but not wanting to break the dog's heart

Set about grandmother's breast cancer making her fear not having breasts to get cancer, Tupac impersonator at BET Awards, and self-deprecating humor about being a wife prospect but not affair material.

• Grandmother's breast cancer makes her fear never developing breasts for cancer.
• Tupac impersonator at BET Awards shows how easily people are replaceable.
• She's wife material but not affair material, cusp of being a bad bitch.

Kim jokes about struggling to get a boyfriend despite being smart, funny, and a good cook. Discusses her focus on sex at 23, use of pull-out method, and describes cooking skills as meal that 'tastes like someone should pay rent'.

• Can't trick guys into being boyfriend despite being smart, funny, charismatic.
• Meal tasted exactly like someone should pay her rent.
• Pull-out method called 'push out pull out' because both partners must do their part.

No set recap for this appearance.

Proposes profiling gun buyers based on how creepy their driver's license photos are. Observes mass shooters never look like nice people and have no eyelids. Jokes that women don't commit massacres and shifts to making men bleed.

• Judge gun buyers by driver's license photo creepiness
• Shooters never have eyelids, never look nice in mug shots

Takes audience back to elementary school playground—kid who wore jean shorts in winter who smelled like piss. His mom was probably an alcoholic. Later those cool moms bought alcohol for teenagers.

• Kid wore jean shorts in dead winter; his mom was probably alcoholic.
• Those moms were cool when you got older—they bought you alcohol.

Regular performer with joke about repressed childhood sexual abuse memories and absent father, asking if he molested her instead of other kids.

• May have repressed molestation memories, asks if absent father molested her since easy access

Self-deprecating material about being half Puerto Rican, half deadbeat father, making her a complete asshole. Jokes about avoiding dating Spanish guys to prevent incest, fertility, and new job training on mail orders.

• Half Puerto Rican, half deadbeat makes her complete asshole
• Won't date Spanish guys to avoid incest dating cousins
• Didn't know could order mail dating, now trained at work

Kim performed material about women wanting food and weight loss simultaneously, pheromones and armpit attraction, and confusing behavior. The set was fragmented with weak transitions and unclear punchlines.

• Women want both food and weight loss at the same time
• Matched with pheromone partner July 2012, liked his pit smell

No set recap for this appearance.

Kim discussed Don Sterling racism scandal, critiquing racist friends using 'honky' and 'cracker' as white defenses, then pivoted to observational jokes about strangers and saved by the bell references.

• Racist friends on Facebook using honky/cracker as white defense - when did you hear black comic say this?
• When someone puts bad taste in your mouth that's what you get for letting stranger in.

Kim discusses taking Uber/Lift in LA instead of driving due to frustration, rants about people hanging leis from rearview mirrors, stupid car modifications, and getting frustrated with nice car drivers.

• People hanging leis who can't afford actual Hawaii vacations
• Resentment letting nice cars in front of her 99 Camry

Kim discusses her 45-year-old newly separated mother dating men Kim's age, awkwardness about potential Thanksgiving dynamics, and mother constantly asking for grandchildren as potential dating material.

• Mom dating her age guys; boyfriend might sit at kids table with her.
• Mother asks for grandson; Kim suspects mother wants to date the grandson.

Kim does observational comedy about wanting to be unique and influential, shares motivational quotes twisted into comedy, and makes a joke about underwear and rape.

• Life gives you lemons, complain because you're American.
• Women wear underwear saying you're it to prevent rape.

Set about being female comedian, attractiveness, father relationship, and self-defense. Uses self-deprecating humor about body and parents, includes standing-ground joke.

• Female comedian with rockin hot body, never killed black guy or boyfriend

Self-deprecating jokes about relationship struggles. Claims she's easy to date requiring only food and attention. Uses kegels during sex and cooking bacon after to keep men. Forgets final punchline about letting rich men pull out wallet.

• Only needs two things: food and attention all the time
• Uses kegels during sex and cooks bacon after to keep boyfriend
• Lists positive qualities then asks what else guys could need

Kim discussed her first hookup with a girl, the awkward gynecologist setting, insurance coverage jokes, and misunderstanding birth control timing. Discussion about pregnancy risk at different ages.

• Hookup was gynecologist, made uncomfortable but insurance would cover it
• Gynecologist suggested birth control preventing pregnancy for 15 years
• Confused about when women can't get pregnant after 30 or 45

Kim tells a story about growing up poor where classmates steal earrings and use erasers as backs. She describes a friend named Kenesha who brags about "genuine cubic zirconias" while using eraser earring backs, asking for her erasers back.

• Friend brags about genuine cubic zirconias while wearing erasers as earring backs

Kim discusses losing weight last year but now people compliment her while she feels terrible. Makes comparisons between pairs (peanut butter/jelly, Winnie/Piglet, Asian women/peace signs). Joke about Asian women having small boobs because parents didn't let them have B's and C's—only A's.

• Lost weight but feels terrible despite compliments; diet is serious sacrifice
• Asian women always do peace sign in pictures like parents taught them
• Asian women have small boobs because parents only let them get A's not B's/C's

Kim does magic trick bit: dad was magician who 'disappeared' and never came back. Also discusses how dad prohibited rated-R movies for violence but hit her mom. Claims domestic abuse gave her cat-like reflexes and TV volume strategy.

• Dad was magician who disappeared, best trick ever
• Dad banned rated-R movies for violence but hit mom
• Domestic abuse gave her cat-like reflexes, loud TV coping

Kim does material about how boners are flattering, compares them to seeing dad's proud face at Christmas school performances, jokes about watching high school friends' weight fluctuations on social media, and connects weight gain to giving up on life.

• Boners are flattering, like dad's proud face at Christmas school performance inside you
• Watching high school friends' weight fluctuate on social media makes you feel good about yourself

Regular performer does elaborate material about evil baby gangs with color-coded gang signs based on diaper contents (green=breastfed, brown=formula).

• Evil baby gang hierarchy based on diaper content colors and poop types

Set about college heartbreak, boyfriend wearing her t-shirts to bed, and realizing boyfriend was unfaithful with someone named Chunks. Jokes about knowing what she wants vs doesn't want in partners.

• Boyfriend blew chunks; two weeks later found out 'Chunks' was a fat guy.
• Boyfriend wearing her t-shirts to bed was sign he was unfaithful.
• Now knows she wants loyal partner, not another guy.

Woman cuts off husband's penis when he leaves, keeps it. Absurdist bit about custody hearing for the penis on weekends/holidays. Reference to other penis-cutting incidents and man with two functional penises.

• Wife cuts off husband's penis on leaving, wants weekend custody.
• Woman argues she raised it, deserves partial custody with holidays.

Shared a statistic about sitting vs standing percentages. Joked about being single, relationship being abusive, and the guy should have made her a sandwich. Brushes teeth and rinses with orange juice.

• 50% of people sit, 50% stand (false statistic joke)
• Single, was dating someone abusive, should have made sandwich
• Brushes teeth then rinses with orange juice

Dropped out of college, jokes about elevator close button not working, tough cookie simile flawed, tough pussy better, pageants attracting child molesters/rapists, janitors made from rapist rejections.

• Elevator door close button doesn't work; other buttons work just as fast.
• Tough cookie simile fails; should say tough pussy since those birth humans.
• Pageants attract child molesters; rapists seek ugly people; discusses janitor origin.

Kim does observational material about 'blessed' tattoos on trashy people, describing their lifestyle (jorts, wifebeaters, no sheets). References Nightmare Before Christmas font. Dropped out of University of Florida to pursue comedy full-time.

• Blessed tattoo wearers: jorts, wifebeaters, no sheets, trashy lifestyle indicators.

Kim describes dating a Jesus freak who uses drugs and adderall, contrasts with her abusive childhood where father hit mother. Jokes about twins and codependency.

• Dated Jesus freak who asked for weed, now gets adderall from him.
• Father hit mother but allowed her to watch; mother stayed for health insurance.
• Hates codependent people, particularly twins who couldn't even split their own egg.

Kim Congdon discusses her roommate's loud sex on weeknights, using it as prayer and lullaby, and eventually needing it to sleep. She jokes about watching lesbian porn and masturbating.

• Roommate's loud sex becomes her prayer and lullaby for sleep

Regular dropped out of University of Florida after four months to pursue comedy; jokes about college teaching wrong values like giving coked-up friends more coke instead of help.

• College teaches bad values: give drunk friend more coke, not help; encourage pregnancy.

Kim does material about her office job vs. a girl who started a cuddling business, expressing jealousy. She discusses her workplace injuries (stapler finger) versus the cushy cuddling gig.

• Girl makes $600 cuddling; I got stapler injury and stiff neck from naps

Kim discussed her sister turning 18 and becoming prettier, feeling jealous about teaching her how to do makeup and hair. She worried her sister would outshine her in all areas.

• Sister turned 18 and became hotter, taught her everything

Short material about life getting shitty, suggesting Asian women at predator-prevention doors, 4D ultrasounds, dating, and environmental concerns about diamonds and lithium batteries.

• Suggested Asian women at front doors for predator prevention; made jokes about 4D ultrasounds and dating.

Set about Miley Cyrus breakup using twerk/working pun, birthday approaching age 23, and jokes about trading body for upgrades. Focus on material about trust funds and relationships.

• Miley/Liam breakup because twerking/working wasn't twerking out, tried to fix but failed
• At 23, need to flash tits for cars instead of ice cream, want trust fund from lover
• Want to hear 'I put you in my will' from lover instead of relationship statements

Used to have a spoiled white rich boyfriend. Still scrapes deodorant from underneath plastic when it runs out. Owes Verizon money.

• Still scrape deodorant from plastic when it runs out because I'm poor

Performed extended mother joke about dating: mom asks about kissing, then weeks later asks if she 'made ace him' (had sex). Character voice shifts.

• Mom asks if she kissed boyfriend; weeks later misunderstands 'made out' as sex question.

Kim performs about being single and it going really well, her boyfriend dressing as a crab for Halloween and her copying him, meeting people and immediately hating their faces based on facial features like big nostrils, and being 'racist against faces'.

• Boyfriend dressed as crab for Halloween, she copied him as imitation.
• Hates people's faces without talking to them, racist against big nostrils.

Kim discusses her mother's home daycare. She imitates a Black girl's dialogue about nap time. She transitions to abortion jokes, suggesting Florida as a dumping ground for unwanted children.

• Mom's daycare with black girl who wouldn't take nap
• If pregnant try having kid, change mind post support in Florida

45-second defending champion set about being 22 and people saying she's naive. Material about watching Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, Titanic ending, and drinking Stella Artois as markers of adulthood.

• People say she's naive at 22 but she's seen major cultural events
• Knows Britney and Justin story, Titanic ending, drinks Stella Artois

Kim discussed growing up poor and not understanding milk brands, then finding white friends valuable for learning about appetizers and ordering before meals.

• Growing up poor, didn't know milk brands—all tastes the same.
• White friends had appetizers before meals—something poor family never experienced.

Kim discussed growing up poor and not understanding milk brands, then finding white friends valuable for learning about appetizers and ordering before meals.

• Growing up poor, didn't know milk brands—all tastes the same.
• White friends had appetizers before meals—something poor family never experienced.

Kim discusses the disrespect of waking dead people, dislikes the phrase 'win it to win it,' discusses wearing dresses despite comedy store stigma, and touts Kill Tony.

• Holding funerals is disrespectful, like having charity bonfire with kids roasting.
• Nobody shows up to game saying they'll be mediocre.

Kim performs about visiting the gynecologist, mother calling during exam, doctor laughing while examining her, and awkward moment realizing the doctor's laughter may have been caused by hair tickling her nose.

• Mom calls during gynecologist exam; doctor laughs while examining
• Doctor's laughter caused by pubic hair tickling nose, not the joke

Kim discusses drunk sex with text message snooping, women's revenge nature, Bill Clinton/Hillary oval office joke, intern cunnilingus reference, and dark political humor.

• Crazy sex equals checking boyfriend's texts while sleeping
• Hillary won't get eaten out if elected, intern sacrifice

Set about a friend with a girlfriend hitting on her, Vegas gambling and unprotected sex, dating a guy who plays blackjack, and detecting his lying via his tells at blackjack. Also discusses putting on sunglasses at night to look cool.

• Guy with girlfriend hits on her; he's not rich enough to deserve cheating.
• Vegas dating guy who plays blackjack; can tell when he's lying via his tells.
• Wearing sunglasses at night to nightclub creates illusion of being cool.

Set about avoiding kids as long as possible because she's Hispanic and period gets late easily, kids embarrassing, took mom to free fountain park where she sat on water fountain hitting her vagina yelling it feels good, had to get ready for prom that night.

• Hispanic so hard to avoid kids, period late just from making out
• Sat on water fountain at park, yelled 'it feels good,' had prom that night

Congdon discusses the Confederate flag debate, pivoting to bigger issues like homelessness and corporate welfare, then focuses on joint Facebook accounts and how they reveal infidelity—joking that someone must have cheated if a couple created one.

• Joint Facebook accounts raise question: which one cheated?
• Joint accounts require couples to clarify who wrote comments (e.g., 'from Sandy').
• Parents made joint email (Gary and Mary) just to see nephew photos.

Kim performed about dating a guy with an attractive female friend he calls his sister, jokes about Game of Thrones and incest, and bits about condom availability and relationship tricks involving safe sex.

• Boyfriend says friend is like sister; I have HBO so I know about incest
• Guy without condom will suddenly find one when you start leaving

Set about getting lead in horror film shooting in black church, dark joke about Charleston shooting victim never growing up, joke about abandoning kids.

• Got lead in horror film shooting in black church, dark joke about Charleston shooting victim

Congdon discussed a guy in crowd reminding her of her absent father, compared him to Snow Leopard, mentioned father's cocaine use and current millionaire status from lawsuit.

• Guy in crowd reminds her of dad; only seen pictures, mom said he loved cocaine.
• Father wasn't around when young but now sounds cool since she knows where drugs are.

Regular performer set about Florida visit with family. Stories about smoking weed with mom who gets paranoid, grandpa owing money, and roasting younger sister about softball and needing money.

• Mom paranoid about cop, considers hiding pipe in vagina, I say pipes won't stay.
• Roasted sister about playing softball in middle school, leading to high school women.
• Grandpa getting old and dying worries me because he still owes me money.

Self-deprecating material about sucking dick too soon in relationships, father abandonment issues, seeking online therapy with crashed webpage, and computer abandoning her for new family.

• Bad at forcing boyfriends; sucks dick too soon and ruins potential relationships
• Dad walked out when she was young but kept coming back to be fed
• Sought online therapy for abandonment issues but webpage was unavailable; computer packed and left

Broke up with bisexual boyfriend, jokes about strap-on, compares rape to cancer, reveals she was raped and climaxed during rape, jokes about 'no means no' with sexual punchline.

• Broke up with boyfriend for being bisexual, not homophobic
• Cancer worse than rape but at least people happy when cured
• She was raped, climaxed during it, 'no means no' but she moaned

Regular doing new material. About two 24 Hour Fitness locations in Hollywood (gay gym and straight gym); works out at gay gym until sexy enough for straight gym.

• Two 24 Hour Fitness in Hollywood: gay gym, straight gym, working way up
• Working out with lesbians, fingers getting strong, impressing comics at mics

Congdon, a regular who dropped out of college for comedy, talked about joining a gym to find men rather than use dating apps, quoting Sir Mix-a-Lot lyrics, claiming she likes normal dates like minigolf, but guys think she's crazy because she's Puerto Rican.

• Joined gym to find boyfriends instead of using Match.com
• Guys scared to date Puerto Rican women thinking they're crazy

Kim discusses Florida sports teams named after things that hurt Floridians (Hurricanes, Gators, Dolphins). Claims friend was raped by Dan Marino. Compares herself to UF football players (3 years then pros).

• Florida teams named after things that hurt Floridians
• Friend raped by Dan Marino, dolphins aren't safe
• Did 3 years of college then went pro like athletes

College dropout struggling with debt and artist life. Jokes about confusing bill collector calls with audition callbacks and Sallie Mae's persistent phone calls with changing area codes.

• Never know if unknown call is callback or Sallie Mae bill collector
• Sallie Mae more committed than any of her relationships

Female regular performing new minute about 50 Shades of Grey, unrealistic job prospects for college grads, women who only get along with men (characterizing them as selfish), and cutting off boyfriend's sex after tiring of oral sex.

• Most unrealistic part of 50 Shades is girl gets job after college
• Women who only get along with guys are selfish
• Punishing boyfriend by not having sex but tired of blowing him

No set recap for this appearance.

Self-deprecating material about trust issues, accusing boyfriends of cheating when she has no boyfriend, observational humor about voodoo and hair playing.

• Thought 'friends with benefits' meant 401k.
• Has trust issues, accuses boyfriend of cheating despite not having one.
• Guy plays with her hair cute, she does it back and it's voodoo.

About gender inequality in dating: women called sluts for ignoring guys, men just called fathers. Jokes about equal rights but also wanting free dinner.

• Women ignoring men called sluts, men ignoring women just called fathers.
• Want equal rights and free dinner from men.

Kim jokes about getting on birth control as a Puerto Rican woman, doing stand-up in Florida for the first time, and telling jokes in front of her grandma. She discusses her mom's concerns and jokes about Facebook and family.

• Puerto Rican women need birth control; guys can come near
• Can't tell if Facebook crush is cousin or not

Regular comedian's new 60 seconds including topical joke about Charles Manson marriage, jokes about boyfriend weight/sex, new birth control method (having friends with kids), dislike of parenting, and crowding in LA due to fake breasts.

• Charles Manson got married, finally got the punishment he deserved
• Boyfriend is heavy, 'times are hard' from a lot of sex
• Birth control is having friends with kids, parenting is terrible

Comedy about childhood weirdness and overblown outrage culture. Discusses Lena Dunham controversy about inappropriate sibling contact, normalizes kids doing strange things, jokes about government suing AT&T.

• No milk with PBJ sandwich tastes bad; references Lena Dunham sibling touching scandal.
• Kids do weird stuff normally; cousin put carrot in ass at age four.
• Government suing AT&T is terrifying; how does anyone fight that.

Regular performing new 60-second set on bartender calling her ma'am and cutting her off, Chris Brown Ebola comment, flip phone joke, and throwing your heart.

• Bartender calls me ma'am when cutting me off; can suggest alternate words?
• Chris Brown says Ebola is population control; shocking part they called him musician.
• If you love someone throw your heart at them; if they don't catch it they play for Raiders.

Kim discusses pregnancy scare, taking BuzzFeed quiz confirming she's not ready, then getting abortion. Jokes about gay people ruining society and cavemen. Mean comment about gay men's voices.

• Pregnancy scare, BuzzFeed quiz said not ready, got abortion
• Gay people ruining everything but have always existed since cavemen
• Meanest thing to gay guy: how did your voice know the condom broke

Complains about weird idioms like 'plenty of fish in the sea' and 'apple doesn't fall far from the tree', discusses friends' assumptions about her sore back being related to beauty.

• Plenty of fish in sea is weird thing to say about dating
• Apple doesn't fall far from tree - parent had midlife crisis
• Why does my sore back get sympathy when I'm attractive?

Congdon performs about turning 24, Vegas trip where she drank heavily and mother questioned her drinking habits, gambling away money. She contrasts losing money with being a Patriots fan and makes topical sports joke.

• Mom said I might have drinking problem; I said algebra was hard, not drinking
• Gambling away money is less depressing than being a Patriots fan

Kim jokes about mothers gaining weight and not wanting grandchildren, discusses the pullout method, and makes references to dating NFL players and division one college athletes.

• Mother's weight gain means future looks bad, threatens no grandchildren care
• Boyfriend was careful about pulling out, spit out D1s like disdain

Kim discussed Mother's Day and Father's Day existing but no day for people pursuing dreams, wondered if there should be a 'pull out day', made jokes about paranoia from past cheating affecting her workplace interactions.

• No Mother's Day/Father's Day for people chasing dreams or pulling out
• Paranoid coworker printed something, assumed he's cheating with someone else

Kim compares finding a roommate to getting a dog, noting the roommate is like a puppy that sheds in the shower, doesn't pay attention to her, and creates problems. She concludes a human roommate is worse than an actual dog.

• Landlord said no dogs, so she found a roommate; roommate is like terrible puppy that sheds in shower.
• Roommate comparison to puppy: doesn't sleep in bed, up-to-date on vaccinations, doesn't poop in car.

No set recap for this appearance.

Kim discusses being tricked in relationships, men pretending to be single, and a date where she was suspicious about a fresh drink left by a guy. She makes a rape joke where she says she'll 'rape' him back and jokes about her mom teaching her to 'give good stuff.'

• Guys pretend to be single but are actually married; suspicious of drink left by date.
• Guy left her wine while she was in bathroom; she made him drink it instead.

Kim discusses her dating preferences, not dating thugs anymore, wanting a guy in a wheelchair who can still work, and her perfect 'thug in wheelchair' concept.

• Can't date thugs anymore, perfect guy is thug in wheelchair
• Thug in wheelchair gets tired and says 'baby I think we need a break'
• Wheelchair guy gets Timberlands stolen, always vulnerable at amusement parks

Kim joked about a 15-year-old orphan seeking a family who ends up being adopted by an Iranian family, with consequences including weight gain, dropping out of school, and losing a hand.

• Orphan Davion accepts any family, ends up in Iran with bad outcomes

Set about catching her 12-year-old sister sexting and helping her download Snapchat. Dark material about young sister's sexual behavior.

• 12-year-old sister sending sexual texts about her waxing routine
• Sister offered their other sister for a threesome to impress a boy

Material about being 23 and expecting responsibility versus financial reality, bringing dishes to parties for free food, dating poor people, and nuvaring theft during makeout.

• At 23 expected to be responsible but still goes to parties just for free food
• Boyfriend stole change from her pocket while making out and pawned her nuvaring
• Dating people her age with no money creates mutual financial disappointment

Dating bit about pretending to be sane with new boyfriend, comparing early dating behavior to later decline in attention and intimacy.

• Pretending to be insane in beginning of relationship, boyfriend declines calls later.
• Comparing early intimacy promises to later decline.

Kim performed about being on a new diet called 'Comic' that guarantees 3-pound weight loss but makes you hungry. She joked about being a 7 who thinks she's a 10.

• New 'Comic' diet guarantees 3-pound loss but constant hunger
• Just want perfection and balance while being a 7 thinking I'm a 10

Kim performed a quick set that was incomplete or brief in the transcript provided.

Jokes about women having to cover up or dress differently; sandwich/lesbian comparison; friend Kate who loves sex but no anal; masturbation joke.

• Women have to cover up to be taken seriously unlike men
• Friend Kate loves sex but won't do anal, call her stinky

Set about smoking affecting her faith, praying high and getting misdirected, putting $100 in church offering instead of $10, asking God for change back.

• Praying high gets misdirected, asks God about hundred dollar offering change

Kim tells a story about her landlord discovering she and her friend Alyssa are splitting a studio apartment illegally, leading to threatening voicemails and sneaking around.

• Landlord threatening eviction; friend hides in suitcase to avoid being seen